Last week, exactly at this time, I had the nurse moving tubes and wires and making way for me to lay down next to Ruby in her bed. I had been wanting to so badly, but thought it wasn't possible with everything going on. I was so excited to be able to snuggle up to my baby girl. I carefully climbed up into the bed on her right side. It felt like heaven to be so close to her when she needed me the most. I held her tiny swollen hand with one hand, and rubbed her warm soft tummy, and chubby legs with my other hand. Sometimes a girl just needs her mama, and sometimes a mama just needs her girl. It was a tender mercy. I am so thankful for those moments so close to my Ruby, because 12 hours later she would slip away.
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80 comments:
I love the way she is looking at you in this picture. Praying every single day for your family.
Many prayers to your beautiful family!
I am so sorry for your loss. This post is both beautiful and heartbreaking. I'm glad you got that time with your little love. She is absolutely gorgeous.
I'm new to your blog, but I've gone back and read it from the beginning. You and your family are in my prayers.
So tender. You are very, very right about needing each other. My heart and prayers are with you.
What a beautiful picture! Praying and thinking of your family, although I do not "know" you. I am so grateful you got that moment with your sweet girl.
Ani ~ I was made aware of your blog via a friend of a friend and it has touched me deeply. Thank you for your transparency. I am so sorry for your loss. Ruby Jane - such a beautiful baby and now a beautiful soul rejoicing in her completely healed/restored/perfect body in heaven next to her Creator. Take comfort in that. No more pain or suffering for her little body. Thank you again for sharing with us your journey and the road ahead. My heart is heavy for you in this time - so many 'why's" in this life. Christ promises Hope for today, tomorrow and the next day though Jesus. Cling to him! I'll be praying for your family and asking God to surround you with His love, comfort, peace and healing. God Bless.
The love and admiration in Ruby's gaze is breath taking. IT is obvious how much you loved and adored each other that is a bond that will never be broken and will keep you going when times get hard.
Our love and prayers are with you all always Ani.
xx
I can't even tell you how heartbroken I am for you. I just miss Ruby so much and I didn't even know her. It's so powerfull for me and I don't know why. Maybe because I was blessed with my second little girl not even 3 months ago and can't even begin to imagine what you are going through these days.
I know that there is nothing I can say to make you feel just a tiny bit better, but I do want you to know that I am praying for you every night before I go to bed, I think of you and sweet little Ruby every single day and I am a better mom because of you and Ruby. I used to ask my husband to get up with our little baby at night, now I LOVE and truly enjoy snuggling her at 4am.
I love you Ani even though I don't know you, we are both moms so I feel like I do know you.
Please know I will never stop praying for you.
I would also like to suggest visiting this website whenever you feel like it.
www.agoodgrief.com
I wish I could do more, but hope this helps.
Love, Erika
I am so glad you had that special time with her. I am sure it was a big comfort to her and you both! I'm grateful you had such great care at the hospital.
WOW! from the look in this pix you can tell she KNOWS she is LOVED..... and always will be. You and Matt made sure of that. Love, Gramma Dawn
I'm so glad you got those precious moments with your sweet girl. I definetly agree...I think I need my girl more than she needs me...
in our hearts.
xo
Dani
You're a strong, strong woman Ani. Praying for you and your family!
you are an amazing and strong mother! i am beyond touched by ruby and your family's testimony! please know that i am praying for you and your family every single night! ruby jane is and will always be a special little spirit! all my love!
amber cornell
What a sweet picture. Ruby sure loves her mom. I think about your family and pray for you in every prayer.
What am amazing moment this photo captured. I pray for you and your baby girl everyday. I know she is in Heaven, but she is still in my prayers!
So wonderful. I was just reflecting how another tender mercy in all of this was the fact you guys lived with your parents with Kate for a while. I'm sure this helped her feel more secure when she would stay with them through all the shuffling around. God does work in mysterious ways.
I have been following Ruby's story for a while now. Today I checked your blog for the first time in a week. I am so dearly sorry for your loss. You are so brave and have such strong faith. Through reading your blog I have been given a reminder of how precious life is, and to not take a single moment for granted with my own little girl. I am also inspired by your faith and courage. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers.
You are a wonderful mom! You write with such love, it makes me cry every time. Your baby girl is looking down at you from Heaven in the exact same way.
Wow...I love the way she is looking at you, and you at her. There is so much wisdom and love in her sweet little face. I'm so glad you had that special and much needed time with her, I wish you had all the time in the world.
Such a beautiful tender mercy. I also love how she is looking at you in this picture. So tender. Love you!
What a sweet, sweet picture of you and your precious Ruby. Continuing to think & pray for you. Ani, you are such an amazing & srong mama! You have your girl & your girl has you... forever! xo
I love this picture. Look at her look at you! She knew you were her mama. The bond between a mother and her baby is so strong that it can never be broken. What a sweet moment you had together.
I'm so sorry.
The picture is beautiful, it showes the mother daugther bond, gorgeous. That's love.
Thinking of you and your family. Sending love and hugs. I am a mom too. I am in tears. I can't imagine the pain and the sense of loss. Gentle hugs for all of you.
This is a beautiful photo of the two of you. The way she is looking at you just says it all. She loves you so much! I'm so glad you had those 12 precious hours of cuddling her :)
Love this photo, what a beautiful portrait of the two of you. My heart aches for you, Ani. I don't even have better words...
Oh I just wish I could give you a hug right now so badly... praying for you all, that God will hold you close in this hard time and that He will use this trial in your life to bring others to Him. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like... God bless you all for remaining so faithful to Him, even through these hard times. He loves you SO much more than ANYBODY on this earth EVER could!
Isaiah 40:31
Psalm 36:5, 7
Jeremiah 29:11, 31:3
Romans 8:35-39
Ephesians 2:4-5
These verses say more than I ever could with my human tongue. God bless you all.
This is such a beautiful post. Just reading it has made me so happy and thankful for eternal families. I know that if something were to ever happen to myself or anyone in my family we WILL be together again one day. I am so sorry for your family's loss. I do not know you but I have been extremely touched by your story. I will continue to pray for you and your family and little miss Ruby.
I love this photo. It shows, so well, all the love Ruby had for her mama! :) And, I have every day, for a week now, and I can't imagine your pain. I wish, somehow, everyone could take some of it away from you and we could all carry it. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so glad you got to lay beside her, a week ago today. I'm sure she felt the peace of her mama being there, right next to her, too. You're such a good mommy, Ani!
Look at that sweet girl looking at her pretty mama. She is smitten with you. I'm so glad you had that moment with her in the hospital that day.
What a beautiful photo. I only stumbled across your blog yesterday. You are such a strong, admirable woman. Praying for you and your family.
I know I just left a comment earlier, but I just wanted you to know that my dorm, my brother, and my sister dorms are all praying for you and your family. I'm praying right now that He will give you all a peace that passes all understanding and that He will hold your hearts and comfort you.
You're such a wonderful mom Ani. I just adore this picture.
I love this picture so much!
What a sweet moment you got to share with her. I am so happy for you both that you had that.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine the strength it takes to be in your shoes. I was brought to tears. Reading this made me never want to let go of my 2 month old. Its amazing that you were given those moments to have with your beautiful angel. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
This is the most precious picture. The love shines through in her eyes! I am brought to tears by your Sweet Little Ruby's strong will to fight. Your blog is beautifully written and I wanted to say Thank you for sharing your story. I write this as my 12 year old is reading my 3 year old a nighttime Bible story and I am reminded that I am truly blessed. May God hold you tight and know that you will all be reunited one day...for now you have a beautiful Angel watching over you! God bless you!
She is so beautiful in this picture, Ani. You both are! Kirk and I are constantly thinking of you, Matt, and Kate. Ruby is such a special spirit and I feel blessed to have met her the few times I did. Lots of prayers and love for you guys always.
Yep, she needed you as much as you needed her. It is clear why Heavenly Father sent her you--not just because she needed to be a part of your family, but also because she needed a mother like you to take very good care of her. You are a good mommy, Ani!!
You don't know me and I have never met you or your family, but I want you to know that I have been touched by your story and by your darling daughter Ruby Jane. She has made me appreciate my family and the precious moments I have with them. Thank you. Families are forever.
Such a beautiful picture. She loves loves loves her Mama right back. My heart and prayers are with you.
You don't know me, but I came across your blog. My heart was so touched by your words, and your love for your sweet baby girl. May heavenly father give you the comfort that you need. You are in my prayers. Eternal families, I pray that gives you peace. You really don't know how many people you are blessing with your faith and testimony of the gospel, and his plan for us. You've lifted me.
Love, jaci (from Utah)
Dear Ani,
You don't know me either, but I wanted to let you know how much your journey with Ruby has touched me and my family. Thank you for reminding me of the important things in this life. Dishes, cleaning, etc. can ALWAYS wait. Family is more important than anything else. Thank you for sharing your testimony of the gospel too. I admire your faith during this difficult time. Because of little Ruby, I have started saying my prayers again on a daily basis! Much Love Always...Sierra Parke
Ani, you gave more to Ruby in 7 months than some ever give in a life time... you achieved so much! You were and are so blessed. Ruby adored you! That special bond Matt spoke of in your blessing did happen - it is clear and evident in her vision - in your eyes and hers. How very very special! God bless you all - for you deserve every good thing... peace, happiness, harmony... and I wish the days away so you can have your sweet baby again! xxx
My family gave me the news of your daugher's condition only a few weeks ago. I feel such a loss for your family. My prayers and my heart are with you in this time of loss. Good thing Heavenly Father has a plan for Ruby.
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." I am glad you and Ruby had your moment. Love and prayers all the way from Michigan. ~Sarah
So beautiful... tears flowing once again. But with sincere happiness and gratitude that you've been able to recall such a tender mercy in the middle of undoubtable grief and heartache. May those thoughts continue to fill your mind and overwhelm the memories of hardship and struggle. She is the most perfect angel, my goodness. There's a beautiful sunset here in AZ tonight, and my husband just said, "I think Ruby made it for you." I think she made it for all her adoring "fans" worldwide!! Enjoyed my "Ruby time" outside tonight staring at the sky. Love you Ani.
Lauren
This is such a beautiful, sweet picture. It made me tear up big time. Then reading your thoughtful words about her snuggles made me tear up again. You are a strong woman. Someone Heavenly Father knew could handle this trial. Not all woman could do it, and he knew that you could, because you're amazing. Ruby is in Heaven blessing your family with a special spirit and love that will bond your family together even tighter than before. What an inspiration she is to everyone. I love that sweet little face and pray for your darling family all the time.
Hugs
I am so, so impressed that you are able to cherish the good moments! Hang on to those.
I don´t know you in person but like so many I have read the all the blog entries and all the love you have for your family! (And how much they love you).
I feel lika I know at least a little bit of you and you pop up in my mind every now and then, especially at work when driving past the LDS church I pass quite often!
All the love from Sweden!
ani, this is such a beautiful picture, the look Ruby is giving her mama, staring into your eyes, loving you. I'm in tears it's so beautiful. so many tears...Gosh that little girl is deeply missed.
And to read how you describe the last time you laid with her, breaks my heart at the tenderness of that special moment.
So happy you had that moment. Praying for you all the time. You are inspiring.
i bet that was such a special moment for the both of you. i love this picture of yall, it's so precious!
Such a precious bond. I am glad that you had that time to snuggle. Thank you for your example and for sharing!
You are so amazing Ani! I am so happy that you were able to snuggle with her. I love what you say about sometimes a Mama needing her girl. So true. Praying for your family. She is such a gorgeous baby!
Thank you again for sharing your story. I can't tell you how much this has affected me. You are an amazing family. Thanks for sharing your hope and light with me.
I am sorry this happened to you. you do not deserve it.
but, unfortunatly, and fortunatly, her death could mean good things, and making sure another baby doesnt die.
keep your head up. things will get better.
What a wonderful gift to have and a memory to always cherish. Thank you for sharing your journey through this sad and difficult time and for inspiring us to value every moment of our lives with our loves ones.
So beautifully said. Keep holding on to those precious memories and tender moments. This picture is so full of love. Ruby is inspiring me to speak softer, hug tighter, and love deeper.
I love this picture. You can see the love that each of you has for one another. Imagining you snuggled up next to your sweet Ruby brings tears to my eyes and love and peace to my heart. She was so blessed to have you as her mother during her short time on earth. You continue to be in my prayers and thoughts daily.
Joanna Salmon
She's is so beautiful! My heart aches for you every day and it makes me so thankful for The Atonement knowing that someday you will hold your precious baby girl again!
Hi Ani...We've never met, but I feel a very strong connection with you after following Ruby's story for months. This picture says it all...the love between you and your baby girl is so obvious. What a beautiful momento to treasure forever. Your family is in the thoughts and prayers of my family.
I recently found your blog and was touched deeply by reading your loving sweet posts about your beautiful family. I am so sorry for your loss and pain at this time. I am inspired by your faithfulness and strength. It is so wonderful that Ruby was sent to a wonderful family that loved her so much and took such good care of her. Thank you for sharing your story, for giving us a glimpse into such a wonderful life. Even from our tiny glimpse, it is easy to see what a wonderful spirit Ruby is. Srong and beautiful. It is wonderful to have her in your eternal family.
you are so strong Ani. i have learned so much from you and your family. you're in our prayers. xo
It's so true that sometimes a girl just needs her mama and a mama just needs her girl. When my Mom was home on hospice (and I was 7 months pregnant with my second), I couldn't resist any longer and I climbed into bed with my Mom. She wasn't really coherent at that point, but I just NEEDED to be close to her. She barely had any strength left in her and I just told her the things on my mind and how I felt. When I went to get up she squeezed me a little with whatever strength she had left. I'm so glad I hopped in bed with her. She passed that week.
you and precious ruby have been an inspiration to so many. my prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. know you are loved even by those you don't know! xox
Your pictures capture so much beauty in such a difficult situation. My heart bleeds for your family daily...but I know God will take care of you. You have my prayers.
What a beautiful picture. Thanks for sharing such a special memory with us. I know it is hard to write about these moments, but you will be glad you did. And I am glad you did, because it is so touching and such a good reminder to cherish the ones we love. . .every minute.
She is so precious.
What a touching story you have shared with the world. I can't imagine the pain you feel and I wish you had her in your arms now. I just wanted to say thank you. I know I went straight to the donate life site and registered to be an organ donor. I had always had intentions of doing so but just never got around to it. I'm sorry you had to suffer such a trial but I'm grateful for your strength. I know there are others than are in a trying situation that have gleaned strength from your words and actions. I don't know you but I know you are an amazing mom. Hold to the rod and you will see that cutie again.
My heart goes out to you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. May God comfort all of you.
That picture of you holding that precious little girl of yours is perfect. The look she has on her face says it all, how much she is in love with you. I believe your brother was right God has picked a very special set of parents for that little angel! She is now watching down on all of you and she has touched so many peoples lives. Stay strong you seem like an amazing little family!!
What a gorgeous picture of mom and baby Ruby...it just brought tears to my eyes instantly. She knows that you are her mommy and the look in her eyes is so full of love and awe. Your family is so blessed to have this to look back on, such a special moment in time for all of you. She was a lucky little girl to have you as her family to love and cherish her during her time on this Earth!
beautiful picture. beautiful sweet ruby jane.
lots of love, hugs and prayers...
I'm so glad you go to spend that precious time with your little girl. I wanted to tell you, her mommy, that for whatever reason, I needed to be at that funeral. It was special and the Spirit was so strong. She truly was a fighter, really did serve a significant purpose even in just 7 months of life and really is an angel now. You guys are in my prayers.
ani i just absolutely love the way you two are looking at eachother reminds me of one of your blogs earlier that you mentioned that it felt like when ruby was looking into your eyes like she was looking into your soul, i think that's what you wrote. baby ruby picked you to be her mommy before she entered this earth she knew you would fight for her until the very end she knew that you would love her unconditionally. it's so precious the relationship you shared together & that in the future when you are met in God's kingdom you will have many more to share. God bless you & your family!!
I do not know you but followed a link to this blog. I spent time getting to know you and your family and the amazing Ruby Jane through your beautiful posts. My heart is breaking--but what a blessing it must have been to have this beautiful angel in your life. Ruby Jane will not be forgotten. I will be holding my daughter a little closer tonight, in memory of Ruby Jane. Sending peaceful, loving prayers to your family. Thank you for being so courageous in sharing your story,
Can I just tell you how much I L.O.V.E. this post. It made me sob and sob and sob but I just loved envisioning you and your precious Ruby all cuddled up together in her final hours. I can only imagine what a tender mercy it was for you and continues to be to have been able to have that time with her in your arms. It also made me think about how happy it must have made Ruby to be wrapped in the safe and loving arms of her mother with her mother's hands gently caressing her. Just imagine the comfort and happiness that brought her...for babies there is nothing like being in the arms of their mother. Thank you for being willing to share such a special and tender moment with all of us.
I also have to say how much I love this picture. It just makes me so happy for you that you have it. I can only imagine how priceless all your pictures of Ruby must be, but especially those that capture the love and special bond the two of you had.
Thank you again Ani for sharing your choice daughter with us...we are all much better for having known Ruby and learning from your wonderful example. I count it a privilege to be able to join you in mourning her passing.
Prayers and love as always!
I love this. I love that despite your grief and pain, you are posting what you are thankful for. Optimism is your middle name.
Ruby's cute smiling face is pictured in our kitchen. In our house, she is a reminder to simply love more. Thanks for sharing her Ani.
I'm crying. I'm so sorry, Ani. I'm so so so so so sorry. Sometimes things make no sense at all. I'll be praying for hope and peace for you and your family. Love, Ellen
The picture is beyond gorgeous. And that moment you described is beautiful. I'm so glad you and she had it together. My heart aches every day for you and your family. I literally think of Ruby and all of you every single day...my heart is with you....
I am so so so sorry for your loss! :..(I just read ruby's whole journey and story and was brought to tears with so many of your beautiful entries. I especially loved the blog entry you wrote on perspective. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the everyday business and hectic-ness of life. I can say that I will think of your precious angel when I'm feeling moments of ungratefulness or unthankfulness for all of the blessings I have in my life. I snuggled my little man for extra long today and felt so so thankful to have him and his health. I honestly could feel that you and Ruby have an unbreakable bond and she is very lucky to have you as her mama<3 Thank you for sharing your story, I am praying for your sweet family and lil angel healed in heaven! I also registered as a donor too:)
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