Today is my Ruby's 3rd Birthday.
The anticipation of these hard days seem to be always worse than the actual day.
The past two birthdays, we have celebrated with the Run for Ruby. We have been so busy and stressed with the big event, that we had little time to feel sad.
This year was different. We didn't have any grand plans, but I knew that I wanted to do something to celebrate on Saturday. We ended up going to Islands for dinner, and we brought along Ruby's picture, at Kate's request. We even told the waiter we were celebrating a birthday, and had a yummy treat and sang to Ruby('s picture).
We decided that Ruby would have liked to go to Chuck E Cheese, so we spent the rest of the night playing games and winning tickets. As we were getting out of the car at Chuck E Cheese, I realized that we had taken Ruby and Kate there when Ruby was about a month old. I like to be places that she has been before. It just felt right that we celebrated there.
Last night I made a quick run to Target alone to get a few things for a picnic for today. I started to feel a little sorry for myself as I was picking out some party plates in the birthday isle. I don't often feel like that. I am sad that things happened the way they did. I wish it were different, but right then and there I felt so sorry for myself. I felt pathetic. I was really hoping no one would asking about the party decor in my cart. I felt embarrassed, but why should I? It is my baby girl's birthday, and it will be celebrated! I even went to the toy isle and picked out a birthday gift for Ruby with the intention of donating it to another 3 year old. After a stop at the grocery story to pick up a "3" balloon, I asked Matt to get the birthday box down, and then staid up decorating! It felt good. It felt right. Ruby is part of our family, her birth is worth celebrating! I went to bed feeling a little less sad by going through the motions that I would have normally done, had she still been here.
Today was very peaceful. I know that there were many that were thinking about our family, and praying for us, and I truly felt those prayers. We visited Ruby's place, and had a picnic. We brought flowers, and balloons, cupcakes and candles! We had our very own little birthday party, in the middle of the cemetery. After we sang "Happy Birthday", Kate was making her way over to the candles to blow them out for Ruby, when the wind (read: Ruby) blew them all out!
Usually I am ready to leave after we have been there for a while, but today was different. I didn't want to leave. I just felt so peaceful at her place. I think I must have felt her near. It was such a different feeling than I normally have there. The sun was setting, and the breeze was blowing her balloons around, and I just wanted to stay, and keep that feeling.
I am so thankful for my sweet Ruby girl, and the gift that she continues to be to our whole family.
Happy Birthday Ruby!
XO
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