Milestones

Lola Bloom, 7 months old

Milestones. They are always there. They haunt. They creep up, they linger, and sometimes they scream in your face. 

I have been dreading this milestone for a long time, even before I was pregnant with Lola. Lola is older than Ruby was when she passed away at 7 months and 1 week. It might sound silly and insignificant, but I thought about that date creeping up on us a lot. The anticipation of these dates are usually harder than the actual day. 

The past couple of months as Lola has reached the size that Ruby was, I would be bathing her, or changing her diaper, or lotioning up her little sturdy body, and my heart would just break. I would look at her perfect tiny body and without any warning I would have flashbacks of Ruby's precious little body. When I think of all that she went through physically at such a young age, I just want to curl up into a little ball and cry. Ruby has been gone for 2 and half years, and sometimes she seems larger than life. Does that make sense? So when I really look at Lola, and think that Ruby was here just like Lola is now, and she was as small as Lola is, and went through so much. It makes my mama's heart break over and over again. 

When we woke up to Lola's 7 month, 1 week, and 1 day birthday, I felt gratitude. It was an  unexpected emotion. I was bracing myself for fear, for regret, for longing and pain, but it was just gratitude. That day was a day I never got with Ruby. It is a blessing that we have our Lola. WE KNOW how precious each day is. So the fact that we had this extra day with Lola that we missed with Ruby, was a big deal for me. 

We went to Disneyland as a family. We had fun together, watched the fireworks, and thought a lot about our 2nd little daughter that we wished was there.

We have been through the first of a lot of things now, and that feels like a big accomplishment in our grief. We survived the first holidays, birthday, angel day, the birth of a new baby, and this new milestone.

Every day I miss Ruby, and every day I look at Kate and Lola and know just how lucky I am to have them here with me.