Missing her Ruby

The last time Kate held her baby sister. It was a very special moment, and one I will never forget.

Every morning I walking into Ruby's nursery, and opening up the blinds, and say,
"Good morning Rubes!"
Most of the time Kate is with me, and she says it too.
At night we close her blinds and turn on the lights in her room.
It just makes us feel good.
This morning when Kate and I walked into her room, Kate saw the box of Ruby's clothing and blankets that was just returned to us. Her whole demeanor changed. She ran her hands across the box, and gently touched her clothes. She looked up at a picture of Ruby and then back down to her things. I asked her, "What are you feeling Kate?" She looked at me and very quietly said, "I am feeling very.....I am feeling like I really want to see her."
So we sat down on the floor and went through her things and talked about Ruby. I pulled her into my lap, and we just rocked and were quiet until Kate said, "I really miss that Ruby."
Me too Kate, me too.

Nap on my chest

I remember this perfect day, it was about 8 months ago. Ruby was so tiny. Kate was so thrilled about her baby sister. Matt had gone back to work. I was feeling a little more like myself again, and so content with my role as a mother and wife. I was proud of myself because I had gotten ready that morning, and gone to the park with the girls. After a fun morning, I put Kate down for a nap, and nursed Ruby Jane.


I was about to lay her down in her cradle, but I just couldn't! She feel asleep on my chest. She was so sound asleep, and was curled right into me. She also had my necklace in the palm of her hand. She loved playing with my necklace. I thought I would just enjoy holding her for a bit, and then lay her down and get things done. But, I had a little voice tell me to just hold her. So I did. I held her for 3 straight hours while she slept. Kate slept the whole time. So it was just me, and my sleeping newborn on my chest. Oh how thankful I am that I did not go lay her down. I would not be sitting here recalling that perfect afternoon. Oh how I wish I could go back to that day.

Preschool

Kate has been excited for Preschool for months and months.
I actually remember taking a walk with her when she was probably 20 months old, and she heard a school bell, and said, "I want to go to school!" We have been counting down to this day, and it finally came. We laid out her clothes the night before, and talked about how to be a friend, and she was beaming! She was so excited all morning, but then got really shy when we walked in. It was so fun to see her in a school setting, and interacting with all the kids. I am so thankful for my big preschooler!













This girl is impossible to get a normal picture of! But I sure love her silly faces.

One Month

It has been one month. One month since my world changed forever. Well, to be more accurate, it has been 8 months, and 2 weeks since my world changed forever.
We spent the weekend being spiritually nourished. The feelings of peace were welcomed, and the things I have learned have given me much to think about.
I feel stuck. I don't want time to move forward, because it means it was been that much longer since we were with our girl. But, I want time to move forward, bringing us closer to her. I am just not ready to do anything. I am functioning. I am getting up, I am getting dressed, and I am staying busy with friends and family. I am eating. I am drinking. I am running. I am breathing. But that is really it. I am going though the motions, and trying to avoid the emotions.
Last night, when all was quiet in our home, we ended up on the couch watching little videos of Ruby on our phones. That is when it hits me the hardest. Pictures or videos of us with her. She was REAL. She was our baby. We held her and bathed her and sang to her. She knew us, and loved us, and smiled and laughed at us. That is when the reality of our life hits me. We won't get that back for a long time. We have our memories. We have thousands of pictures (thank goodness I was obsessed with taking pictures of her). We even have videos. We have read books, and talks. We have talked to other families in our situation. We have talked to a general authority even. We have testimonies. We have SO much. But, we at the end of the day, we still don't have her in our arms. It doesn't matter what we do, how much we suffer, how much we learn, how much we cry or scream...she is still away from us.
So, one month out...where are we? We are here. We are just here. The longing and missing are worse. The memories of those last 48 hours, are getting foggier, thankfully. We have strengthened testimonies. We are closer as a family. But we have a huge gaping whole in our home right now.

Today I am missing Ruby so much I feel like I am slowly dying inside. We went to Target today, and just being there, walking the isles, just felt wrong. To me, going to Target was always my way of show myself that we were a normal family. We might have been hooked up to pumps, and have Ruby hidden away in her seat, but gosh darn it, we were normal.
Today I didn't feel normal. I felt like I had a big black X on my forehead. I felt so wrong to be acting like a normal little family shopping around, when all I wanted to do was cry. I could not look at the baby section. I almost went down one of the isle by habit, and when I realized I wouldn't be needing anything, it felt like a huge pit in my stomach, and a fresh wave of grief washed over my whole body.
You know where I feel the most normal these days? The cemetery, at Ruby's place. If I look sad, or I am crying, whoever is watching knows the reason why. If I am smiling and happy, whoever is watching knows I must be remembering a sweet moment.
I haven't accepted that she is gone. I am realizing this. When I allow myself to really think about what has happened, I can't describe what goes on inside of me. Sometimes I honestly think it is a dream. How could it NOT be a dream. Oh please be a bad dream. But, it is not. This is my life now.
I have moments where I think everything makes some sort of sense, and I relish those moments. I know I will get to the point where I will be more healed, and more at peace, but I am just not there yet. I feel my Father in Heaven. I feel His arms around me. But, I know there are times that he has to back up a little bit, let me feel, let me grieve, let me ask "WHY!!!?". He knows that I need those moments to heal. But he is there. He is there when I need him.

She would have been 8 months today. You know what? I am not strong. I am not doing this well. How does one grieve the lost of a child well? You don't. You survive. One excruciating second at a time. I just want her in my arms. I want to stare into her eyes, and have her look back, straight into my soul so she can feel how much I love her.

The thing about waves is that they continually come in.
Sometimes the sets are huge, and close together, other times they are small and spread out. But they are always there.

I feel like I am standing right on the edge of the water. Sometimes the tides come up, and I feel panicked, and scared. A huge wave hits me, and I am drowning. She is gone, my baby. I have to live a lifetime without her. How will I do this?

Other times, the tide is out a ways, and I see my toes in the damp sand. The pain is there, but not taking me over. I can enjoy the beauty of the ocean, and the small waves that barely reach my feet. She is always mine. Families are forever. I have 7 months worth of precious memories.

Standing at the edge of this vast ocean is something I have never experienced before, but have been preparing for my whole life. I can swim. I won't be swallowed up, even if it feels like it. I have the faith in my Savior and faith in the Plan of Happiness. That gives me the strength that I need to swim when I am drowning, and to enjoy the beauty when I am not.

Do I wish I wasn't standing in this place?
Yes.

But, I know that my Heavenly Father has me just where I should be.

Waves

Waves of pain and grief and agony seem to keep rolling in.
It seems to be the little things that set the waves into motion. Looking in the backseat of the car, and seeing only one car seat. Tucking Kate into bed, and then sitting in Ruby's empty room. Looking under the kitchen sink and finding her Burt's Baby Bees baby wash. One week I am bathing my sweet baby in my kitchen sink, and now she is gone. My mom asked me to drop my grandma off at the airport at 11am, and I automatically thought it was nap time. It is just impossible to wrap my head around. She belongs here. She belongs with me fussing and caring and loving her.
Usually when you are going through a hard time or trial, it seems like you can proactively help yourself to get though it, and then it is over at some point. I know that this missing will have to last a lifetime. That is a long time. There is no way around it, just have to go through it.
Ruby was so time and labor intensive, that it just seems too quiet around here. I went from constant go go go go, to nothing. I am trying so hard to be the mom I need to be to Kate. She took a backseat to everything for 7 months, and I know I need to gain her trust again. It is a process. This whole new life is a process. I am trying to just take it hour by hour. And most times, minute to minute.
Breath in. Breath out.

The Ruby Jane Foundation

Hi, this is Mike again. Ani and Matt have started the official movement of Ruby's legacy, "The Ruby Jane Foundation."

The foundation has a goal of promoting organ donation awareness, enacting legislation to enable families to make informed and educated decisions regarding organ donation, and to raise money to support the cause.

We have started planning a "Run for Ruby" that will hopefully take place each year on Ruby's birthday. We couldn't be more excited about this and feel like it is a great way to keep the fire burning that our little baby started. We anticipate having a 5k, 10k, and half marathon. Proceeds will go to the foundation and help us to enact the legislation we believe is necessary to help save thousands of people.

Join the movement. Join with us and help make a difference. Visit our page on Facebook and click the "like" button to receive news and updates about our mission.

Go Rubes!

Or click here:

The Ruby Jane Foundation

Last week, exactly at this time, I had the nurse moving tubes and wires and making way for me to lay down next to Ruby in her bed. I had been wanting to so badly, but thought it wasn't possible with everything going on. I was so excited to be able to snuggle up to my baby girl. I carefully climbed up into the bed on her right side. It felt like heaven to be so close to her when she needed me the most. I held her tiny swollen hand with one hand, and rubbed her warm soft tummy, and chubby legs with my other hand. Sometimes a girl just needs her mama, and sometimes a mama just needs her girl. It was a tender mercy. I am so thankful for those moments so close to my Ruby, because 12 hours later she would slip away.

Wrist Bands and Pictures

This is Mike. I have taken the responsibility to oversee the rubber wristbands and pictures of Ruby for my sister. A lot of people have asked so here is the information:

1. Rubber Wristbands: If you would like a Ruby Jane rubber wristband with her name on it you need to sign up to be an organ donor here. Once you are a registered donor in your state visit aniandmatttaylor.blogspot.com and click "yes" at the top right to indicate you are a donor. Once you have done that please email: rubyfoundation@gmail.com and indicate you have become a donor and indicate size (small or large) and color (gray or pink) and your mailing address. If you have requested one and it has not arrived please email us and let is know. Obviously a lot of emails from last week got lost in the shuffle with everything that occurred and probably will not get answered. The best way now is to email rubyfoundation@gmail.com and place an order.

2. Photo of Ruby: At the service we discussed Ruby's beautiful life and and her mission. We recognized that she changed us all and we want to remember that. We have printed copies of a beautiful Ruby picture that we have asked everyone at the service to take home and frame to serve as a reminder of all Ruby did and to remember her legacy. That is all we are asking to receive a picture. Ani has asked that we extend this to all, not just those present at the service. If you would like your own 4x6 Ruby picture simply email rubyfoundation@gmail.com and indicate you would like the picture and your shipping address. This will be sent at no charge to you.

Thank you so much and please help spread the word! Questions: rubyfoundation@gmail.com.

A lot of healing has taken place over the past few days. Yesterday was just what we needed. The amount of love and respect for our sweet daughter was so awe inspiring. Ruby loves being outside, and loves the sunshine on her face, so that is what we will be doing today. We are taking a "Ruby Day".

my arms are so empty. so, so empty. 7 months i held that baby in my arms, and now they are empty. it is such an awful feeling. no words can describe the pain my heart feels. a few days before her passing, i was trying to think of words to describe how my heart felt watching her suffer, and the only thing i could think of was my heart being dragged over hot coals. hot coals sound pretty good right about now. there is just no way to write out the anguish i feel. not only does my heart just ache and hurt beyond expression, but my whole body.
all day long i am in a constant battle with myself. one moment being overcome with grief and sorrow, and the next feeling complete comfort in the Plan of Salvation. i have to keep reminding myself of what i know to be true. it is what i cling to. oh, i am so thankful for eternal families.
the spirit was so close the day she passed on. i knew it was coming. i tried to convince myself otherwise, but it was whispered to me so clearly.
nothing really fell into place with her health. it was one road block after another. she was not meant to make it through her struggle. when the "what if's" and the "if only's" creep into my mind all day and night, i have to remember the prompting from the spirit. my father in heaven knew that i needed that. i fought so long and so hard for my baby, and i needed to hear that last day that He needed her Home with Him.
my arms will continue to long and ache for my daughter, but at least i know that she is in the loving arms of our Father in Heaven.

CORRECTION

We incorrectly listed the address of the chapel for tomorrow. Here is the correct one:

30522 Via Con Dios

Rancho Santa Margarita, CA 92688

how has Ruby changed your life?

This is Ani's sister, Danielle. Over the last few months, I have heard story after story of how little Ruby touched so many people's lives. I am working on putting a book together- where all of these precious memories can be in one place. If Ruby has helped you, is some way, will you please send your thoughts to me?

It can be anything big or small... I have heard stories of how people have started praying again, have gone back to church, have committed to a different lifestyle, have stopped doing dishes/folding laundry and snuggled their kids instead, have taken an extra minute at bedtime to read another story and give an extra kiss. For me, I made a promise to Ruby that I would be more patient and gentle with my children. Every day, I remember my promise to my niece and I am committed to not letting her down. If you can take a moment and send those thoughts to me, I know that Matt and Ani would love to read how their little baby has changed your life. Ruby was an example to us all and I know that she changed more lives in her 7 months, than I could ever hope to in my lifetime.

You can send me a message on facebook: Danielle Bewsey Edmonds
or email at: dne29@hotmail.com

There will also be a table set up at the service on Tuesday- where you can write your thoughts down.