It has been one month. One month since my world changed forever. Well, to be more accurate, it has been 8 months, and 2 weeks since my world changed forever.
We spent the weekend being spiritually nourished. The feelings of peace were welcomed, and the things I have learned have given me much to think about.
I feel stuck. I don't want time to move forward, because it means it was been that much longer since we were with our girl. But, I want time to move forward, bringing us closer to her. I am just not ready to do anything. I am functioning. I am getting up, I am getting dressed, and I am staying busy with friends and family. I am eating. I am drinking. I am running. I am breathing. But that is really it. I am going though the motions, and trying to avoid the emotions.
Last night, when all was quiet in our home, we ended up on the couch watching little videos of Ruby on our phones. That is when it hits me the hardest. Pictures or videos of us with her. She was REAL. She was our baby. We held her and bathed her and sang to her. She knew us, and loved us, and smiled and laughed at us. That is when the reality of our life hits me. We won't get that back for a long time. We have our memories. We have thousands of pictures (thank goodness I was obsessed with taking pictures of her). We even have videos. We have read books, and talks. We have talked to other families in our situation. We have talked to a general authority even. We have testimonies. We have SO much. But, we at the end of the day, we still don't have her in our arms. It doesn't matter what we do, how much we suffer, how much we learn, how much we cry or scream...she is still away from us.
So, one month out...where are we? We are here. We are just here. The longing and missing are worse. The memories of those last 48 hours, are getting foggier, thankfully. We have strengthened testimonies. We are closer as a family. But we have a huge gaping whole in our home right now.
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