She would have been 8 months today. You know what? I am not strong. I am not doing this well. How does one grieve the lost of a child well? You don't. You survive. One excruciating second at a time. I just want her in my arms. I want to stare into her eyes, and have her look back, straight into my soul so she can feel how much I love her.
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51 comments:
Oh sweet baby girl. We all miss her so much Ani. I think about her every day. I'm so sorry you and Matt are suffering. Close your eyes and imagine her little arms around you, she is watching over you.
I couldn't be strong either if I were you. I can't even imagine your pain. Hugs!!!
I am so sorry Ani. Reading this made me think of this song... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zt0BKDOe3x0. Please know that we still think about you guys a lot and pray for the strength that you need.
No one expects you to do it well. Just survive, and we will all hold you in our hearts. And we will also hold Ruby Jane there, remembering her and loving her. My arms ache FOR you - I want her there in your arms so badly, too. So not fair.
I have been following your blog and haven't ever commented on anything because I wasn't ever quite sure what to say. I admire your bravery and your honesty, you can see right thru that baby girls eyes that she was a special little girl. She is absolutely beautiful! It's okay for you to feel the way you do, I believe it's totally normal. Because if our faith (I'm LDS also) I think people sometimes think I can't grieve and be mad because I'm aware of the plan of happiness and what will people think of me if I'm completely down in the dumps and miserable. I'm a mother of 4 and want you to know, it's OK, grieve the way you want nobody can take that away from you! I'm sure it will be a long road ahead, but you have been so strong thus far (even though I'm sure you don't think so) but you have. Life isnt fair and it sucks a lot sometimes but you will get thru it one second at a time if needs be. I think your baby was one of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen in my life, seriously! Take care, love from Rocklin California!
I don't know who could be doing well with losing a child and no expects you too. Just because you know the Plan of Salvation doesn't mean it makes you miss her any less. I pray you can find some moments of comfort during this time.
Ani, You are very strong. You are sharing your very painful story with the world in hope to make a difference. You are very, very strong.
Ani,
You sweet thing. I just wish I could take you in my arms and hold you tight. I know what it is to feel loss. I know what it is to feel sorrow. But I do not yet know what it is to mourn my own child.
Some burdens are just heavy. Even with the Lord easing the pain, they are still really, really hard to carry.
You have to cry, and scream, and pray and laugh. You have to hold you sweet Kate in your arms and tell her how lucky you are to have her. You have to still be brave and not give up. You have to be patient with yourself. You are aloud to pray and ask all those hard questions. Like "why Ruby?"
And we are all here praying with you, wishing that somehow we could help lighten your burdens and comfort your soul.
Live for the Moment. You will feel Joy again. You will be happy again. It will be different though. And it will take time.
Kate will get you through. She will give you a reason to keep pushing through the grief each day. We love you.
You don't have to be strong. You just need to endure.
Es imposible ponerse en tu lugar cuando no se ha pasado por tu experiencia, no se si las palabras te pueden consolar, solo puedo decirte que tu niña seguro que ha sido muy feliz porque ha sido afortunada, gracias a la familia que la ha querido y protegido.
Ojala puedas encontrar pronto la paz y la tranquilidad.
Besos desde España
Fabiola
Sending you sweet hugs from Ontario, Canada. Not sure how I came upon your blog. I've been here for over an hour. I just read a line you wrote the day Ruby was born " I can't imagine our lives without her". That's when it hit me hard Ani. I'm grieving with you. Nobody expects you to be strong or brave or anything else.
One of my blogging friends just lost her husband suddenly. He was only 40 ish. She's a cook and has kept her sanity through cooking. You will find strength in your family and friends. Your sweet Kate reminds me of my Brittany, she's now 22. I also have 2 boys that are 18 and 20. I've never been through anything like you, so I cannot say that "I know how you feel", but please know that someone in Canada is thinking of you and your beautiful family.
Love Claudette
xoxoxoxoxo
praying for you. knowing that our Heaven Father will carve a way for you through this pain. anjuli
Oh Ani I am so sorry. I know that Ruby can feel how much you love her. Even though you can't look into her eyes, she can still feel it! We love you Ani. We are praying for you.
Ani,
Hugs. Just lots and lots of hugs.
I am so truly sorry.
Heather
You don't have to pretend like you are strong. Keep letting yourself feel every emotion. I am pretty sure that is the only way it will ever come close to being any easier with time. Ruby Jane is so lovely. Such a little sweetheart. Keep making posts about her; her sweet little face and spirit is such a day brightener. She is and always will be a blessing. <3
Praying for you. Wish there was more we could do. Everything seems so inadequate.
She knows Ani... she knows how much you love her! I know God whispers it to her every single day and she sees your continued journey FOR HER... she knows darling!
so wishing your family wasn't experiencing this. you are so strong and such an inspiration to thousands of people all over the world.
My heart hurts for you. Please don't criticize yourself for how you deal with something impossible to deal with. The most important thing is to cling to your husband and your daughter. A tragedy like this so often splinters a family as each withdraw to deal as best they can. Cleave to each other to weather the storm. A day will come when the pain begins to ease and you can take a deep breath. Be kind to each other until that day comes.
Jaxx
Ani, I love you and wish I was there to be by your side. And, for the record..you're one of the strongest people I know.
Oh sweet Ani, I have been following your blog and my heart is aching for the loss your family is enduring. I am praying for you all. Breathe deeply, hold each other close, ask for whatever you need. Praying for you to find moments of peace to help you hold on and pull through.
My heart hurts for yours. I can't imagine. I truly can't...
When I first saw the picture of Ruby Jane I noticed her smile, then I looked into her eyes. She has such a depth to her stare, like she was trying to remember all those who she knew loved her. I think of her sharing her Eternal stare with you, letting you know in her own way that she loves you, too, and that everything will be ok. Think of your Heavenly Father's arms around you and I'm sure Ruby will be very close by, maybe even touching your heart!!
Hugs from Utah!
oh Ani,
my heart aches. Sometimes I wish someone would agree with me and my trail and say ya this SUCKS. It does and its heartbreaking, and it's sad. Know one can ever feel the same way you and matt do, but we all care and love for you so much that we are all here for you and wish we could carry a piece of your burden for you. Gosh, I'm soo sorry. Do YOUR best. love you tons!
ugh. lump in my throat, tears in my eyes. i am so sorry, ani.
last year, after my sister died, i watched a film called rabbit hole- in it nicole kidman plays a grieving mother- who has lost her child in an accident.. there's a conversation about grieving/coping with a death that i thought was helpful--
Becca: Does it ever go away?
Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be aweful - not all the time. It's kinda...
[deep breath]
Nat: not that you'd like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And uh... it doesn't go away. Which is...
Becca: Which is what?
Nat: Fine, actually.
I'm so sorry. You're still in my prayers.
I have been thinking about you. I can't imagine what you are going through losing your child has to be unbearable. People say time heals the pain, but doesn't take away your precious memories. Ruby would want you to try to be happy, loving mom she adored, even though it is difficult right now. You will get through this at your own pace...don't ever have any guilt, hold those memories tight.. As tight as you long to hold her. Her beautiful spirit will always becwith you.
My heart just aches for you. I know that although you can't stare into her eyes and show her your love, she still feels it. She loves you. She is grateful for you. And no matter how strong or weak you are no one else could have done what you did. YOU were chosen for Ruby.
Oh Ani, my hear breaks for you. I hope you know how many people are praying for you. Even though Ruby is gone, her prayer army is still praying for you. You are an amazing mama.
I never leave comments because whatever I think of t to say just doesn't seem adequate...I can't imagine the depth of your pain, but at the same time I see you as being on a higher level of motherhood than someone like me. And no matter what, whenever I see you, I will think of how amazing and strong you are because of what you have already done while your littlest angel was here. I think of you and your family often and you're in our prayers. love, amber
p.s. I know of a friend of a friend's blog called agoodgrief.com that maybe you'd like to check out...
My thoughts are with you, I can't even imagine what you're going through. xoxoxox
I truly can only imagine the sorrow you feel. I do not know how I would function in your shoes and you are strong because you have not given up! I wish for a second you would be able to see your sweet Ruby where she is now and be able to stare into her eyes and know how happy she is-truly know, not just assume and feel her sweet presence fully engulf you. So do not worry about being strong, you are a survivor and that is enough. Thank you for sharing your journey and your beautiful family!
You do not need to be strong, you just need to keep going; to endure this. (though you ARE strong in ways you can't see right now). Holding you in prayer, Ani.
I found your blog a few weeks ago and haven't been able to get your family out of my mind. My heart aches for you and you are in my thoughts and prayers. *hugs from Utah*
Oh Ani, I am SO very sorry. I think you are exactly right that you can't grieve the loss of a child well, but what's important is that you just get through it.
I have to say that although you might not feel you're very strong right now YOU ARE! You are SO much stronger than you see and realize.
I can only imagine how much you ache to hold Ruby and for her to see how much you love her, but I believe with all my heart that Ruby can still feel how much you love her and that she KNOWS.
I know she is in a wonderful place with her Father, but I also believe that her heart aches for how much you are hurting. I believe she is petitioning her Father to send angels to surround you and bless you during this time and hope you can feel that.
I pray you can feel some peace and comfort between the ongoing waves.
With love and continual prayers,
Sarah
Let the " light" of her shine in your heart and heal the dark days. We pray you find comfort in knowing that complete strangers mourn with you, we cry our tears as parents who cannot imagine the loss you are feeling in your life. Know that she shines in our heart and that there is not a day that I don't give my kids extra hugs and think of Ruby and know you gave me "just one more" attitude. I kiss my kids goodbye every morning now (I never wanted to wake them up since I leave so early). Not any more I don't care if they wake up. I love you for giving that to me. Thank you. God bless you during this time and for a lifetime.
I am so sorry and no words can help. There was a family in my ward that lost their little boy to sids in April. The blog is http://cruebug.weebly.com/ you need a password to access the updates and its cruebugcrandall Of course the grieving process is not the same but she does have some wonderful quotes that may help. We are all still praying for you family.
I am so sorry, Ani. The love is deep and that makes the hurt deep too. Ruby is blessed to have a mother that loves her so much. Love you! {tears streaming}
Just remember Heavenly Father chose you and knew you were the one who could do it. It's hard and some days unbearable I know it's been 7 years since I last held by baby who passed away at 3 1/2 months. The days will be get easier. All the first will be super hard but some how with the love from those around you and Heavenly Father you make it through. There will be easy days and hard days. You will be blessed and when you looked back you will see. I keep your family in our prayers.
Thinking of you!!!!
You don't have to be strong. It's okay to hate this, to miss her and to wish things were different. Just know that I am still praying for you and your family. I pray that Heavenly Father will guide you through this heart ache and help you find peace! Still thinking of your sweet family daily... even though I don't know you personally... I pray that God will heal your heart!
A friend of mine just sent a link to your blog to me. I have loved looking at pictures of your beautiful little Ruby Jane. My heart hurts for you! I so know where you are sister! I lost my 4 year old son last year. He had gone through over 40 surgeries and his little body just couldn't take anymore.
You are totally right when you say "survive". It is totally what you are doing! I honestly thought I could out-faith grief. I knew where my son was, I knew he was out of pain. I knew he was happy. Wouldn't that be enough?!
The Lord holds us up at first. In the moments when I felt like I would not live through the pain of my broken heart, I realize that without Him with me, I would have! Little by little, He knows that He must pull back so that we can heal. If we didn't have to walk through this grief, we wouldn't heal and we wouldn't become stronger through this experience!
That first year is SO difficult. Somedays I felt at peace. The next...pictures of my Dawson would make me shutter with pain! It would knock the wind out of me, it hurt so bad. Sometimes I go to the cemetary, because it is a special and sacred place. His body is saved there, in a dedicated spot, for the sacred day when he will rise again! We will be together forever! Totally healed. Totally perfect! However, somedays I find the physical desire to just hold him...I can almost feel his head on my shoulder and his breath on my neck. I fear that at an moment I will begin clawing at the ground. I can feel him around me, but I want to HOLD him. I know that isn't logical, but it kills me that he is just right there, and I can't have him.
I want you to know that as you continue to go through all of these feelings, you will work through them, as you totally rely on the Lord. Feel them. When you are angry, talk to the Lord about it. Feel the anger, and then let it go. When it hurts, cry! Let it out! That is the only way to get through. I promise there will come a point that you will have way more happy days. There will be random moments that stir the pain, and you can let it all come out, but those moments are so few and far between. Peace really does take hold. Then, because you have this little person who misses you and wants you with her forever, you will become better! You will do whatever it takes to make it back to her. She will be your eternal perspective! We teach our kids to pray for Dawson, all of the time, and the work he is doing on the other side of the veil. We let them see when we are hurting. We always try to validate their feelings. Having other children makes this experience so difficult. Behaviors and expressions they have...are they because they don't know how to express what they are feeling?! The Lord truly knows their hearts. He loves them so much! He will be yours & your husbands companion. He will give you insight, when it is needed.
This is such a long comment, but I just can't say enough to express how much I want to give you hope! I had a friend who had experienced losing a child. She talked me through so much. Still does. I could tell her what I felt, and she knew it exactly! She was so patient as I tried to reinvent myself. The experience had changed me so much that it required reinvention, instead of just finding my old self. I want you to know that you and your family will certainly be in my prayers!
My blog is yourlifeuncommon.com. I have posted there & on our family blog (Click on the Our Life Uncommon Link) since Dawson was born and YLU after. A lot of my feelings were shared there. Experiences and different ways we processed things, and what we have learned through the process. If you ever want to check it out, or email me. I would totally do anything I could to help you guys through!
So much love coming your way!
Love, Amy Lindstrom
You are a hero to me. I came across your blog via a friend of mine. You are surviving this. You survived your sweet Ruby being so very ill. I can barely take it when my kids have a cold. You are a hero to me. I think of you and your sweet baby almost daily and I pray for your family. Yes, you are definitely a hero to me.
Ani, I can't imagine how hard it is to just move on with life. You just can't. On Sunday a woman shared an experience in Relief Society about losing her son to leukemia when he was four. I imagined my Andrew and then I thought of you and I just sobbed. Something she said really struck me though. Maybe you have already thought of this, but she talked about how during that time she always remembered the scriptures where Christ is speaking and says "Suffer the little children to come unto me." I had never thought of it that way, but you are making a sacrifice so that Ruby can go be with the Savior. He will be with her no matter what and he is with you too. It is a short moment in eternity to be without her, even though I know it can't possibly feel short. Just cling to the knowledge that you will be with her forever after this life and that she is in the arms of someone who loves her dearly. Hang in there.
I'm terribly sorry and can't imagine what it's like having to go on after your sweet baby died :(
".....Heaven's kindness will never depart from you, regardless of what happens......Bad days come to an end, faith always triumphs, and heavenly promises are always kept."
--Jeffrey R. Holland--
I thought of you when I read this.. So sorry Ruby isn't here Physically with you.
Still praying for you guys!
My heart aches for you. God bless you Taylor family. I thought about you the whole time was visiting the Timpanogas LDS temple, and submitted your name for prayers. The Lord is very aware of you.
Ani,
Its okay to feel weak. Its okay to feel angry and depressed. We all know your faith is strong. Even with your knowledge of eternal families, I know you wanted to be with your Ruby in this life much longer than you were able to. No one expects for God's plan to involve taking our little ones home with him. I am sure you thought that you would be the one waiting for Ruby, not the other way around. Its okay to not understand God's plan. No one does. I can't imagine how bad you hurt. This life seems like it will take forever now, because you are waiting to be with your little Angel again one day. It really isn't that long compared to eternity. Once you are with your Ruby again, you will both be with eachother endlessly, and pain free. I know you miss her for now, and thats okay too. You can feel whatever you need to feel, until the day you are able to see and hold your Little Angel once again. I'm still praying for you Ani!
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