so up and down these emotions of mine.
last night and today i am kinda mad. i want a healthy baby. is that sound greedy?
i'm sorry, i just do.
i want to be able to dress her the way i want, and not worry about her PICC line, and how long she is connected for the day. i don't want to wake her up at 2am, to flush her line and give her a does of antibiotics. i don't want to worry about her line catching on something when i am picking her up out of her bed at night. i don't want to put plastic wrap on my baby's arm each time she takes a bath. i don't want to be in constant wonder why she is fussy. i don't want to be watching her itch constantly. i don't want to worry about germs. i want to take my whole family to church. i want to take kate to story time at the library, and go to mcdonald's to play! all the things i took for granted? i want them back.
i am so looking forward to the day that we are back to our old routines, and can just enjoy our ruby jane without the constant worry.
last night and today i am kinda mad. i want a healthy baby. is that sound greedy?
i'm sorry, i just do.
i want to be able to dress her the way i want, and not worry about her PICC line, and how long she is connected for the day. i don't want to wake her up at 2am, to flush her line and give her a does of antibiotics. i don't want to worry about her line catching on something when i am picking her up out of her bed at night. i don't want to put plastic wrap on my baby's arm each time she takes a bath. i don't want to be in constant wonder why she is fussy. i don't want to be watching her itch constantly. i don't want to worry about germs. i want to take my whole family to church. i want to take kate to story time at the library, and go to mcdonald's to play! all the things i took for granted? i want them back.
i am so looking forward to the day that we are back to our old routines, and can just enjoy our ruby jane without the constant worry.
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7 comments:
We had a lesson on honesty in RS the other day and the point was brought up about how we need to be real with one another. Thanks for being real. What you're going through is so hard and it is totally fine to take time to be frustrated/angry/upset. It just means you are human.
I wondered about her itching. When I'm pregnant, I get jaundice and itch like crazy. Poor Ruby!
Your old life will be back, someday soon. Just keep your head up- you're doing an amazing job. This sweet baby was sent to you for a reason. You're supposed to be her mama- and she's supposed to be your little girl.
We are praying that day will come soon. Hang in there Ani. You may feel weak but I see you as being a strong wonderful Mom. Your emotions are perfectly normal.
so sorry! gosh. i can't say it enough! i just can't imagine what you're going through and how hard it must be. i wish i could say something that made you feel better or something! someday, though. someday you will be going to disneyland and mcdonald's and the park and there will be no picc line and no medications and everything with be perfect and just how you want it. i pray for you and your family and that day! and thank you for the reminder to not take the little things for granted. you are so great! i know i don't know you, but i think the world of you. i hope that's not creeper! haha. anyway, i am praying for you guys!
Your feelings are understandable, Sweetie! All of us want Ruby to be normal and your lives to be back to the way they were before all this happened. We are all praying for you and your little family. I know that you are in His hands, and He loves you and knows better than anyone the feelings you are having.
i love your blog- you are so real and easy to relate to as a mom. Even though I've had completely different circumstances a mom, I still totally understand your feelings and resonate with them.
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