"What do I say?"

I have been asked for advice, a few times, about how to handle, what to say, and what to do for someone after they have lost a loved one. I for sure don't have it figured out, but I can share with you, what worked for me.

1. Talk about the person. The most important thing for me was to feel like Ruby is remembered. Hearing people talk about her, makes my day.

2. Use their name. I love to hear Ruby's name. I miss out on saying it a million times a day, like I say, "Kate". I am excited to use her name, and love it when others do as well.

3. Don't be afraid. Being afraid, and not saying anything at all, is worse than saying the wrong thing. I appreciate a family that I always make eye contact with at church, and they always give me a warm smile. It makes me feel like they know I am hurting, and they want to acknowledge that.

4. Be honest. I loved it when someone told me exactly how they felt. I remember a friend telling me how she really struggled with her testimony for awhile, because of what happened to Ruby. It helped me to realize that Ruby had a really strong impact on not only us, but the people around us. It made me feel more comfortable sharing how I felt, when other people told me how they felt.

5. Share how that person has touched you. Getting emails about an exact example of a way that Ruby has changed their life was the most meaningful things to me. Knowing that my friend put down her laundry, and decided to play with her children that afternoon because of my baby, meant the world to me to hear.

6. Don't minimize the pain. Yes, time is helpful, but it doesn't make it ever go away. I think time changes those left behind, and enables them to better cope with a loss, but doesn't heal it. Hearing, "Oh, you will be fine in a year!!" doesn't make me feel better. Don't say, "Well, you will have another child." Or, "At least you don't have a lifetime of memories to be sad about." What most people say is, "She is in a better place."Any loss is a great one. A miscarriage, a stillborn, a toddler, or a grandpa. There is always pain and sorrow involved. When people minimize the loss, it had made me feel like I should not be mourning so much.

7. Everyone grieves differently. Allow others to grieve how they are comfortable. No one can tell you how to grieve. People cry at different times. Emotions are triggered by different things. People take different amounts of time to mourn, and be depressed, etc.

8. Don't judge. One of the hardest part of grieving for me has been to feel like I am being watched. I remember the first time I laughed out loud after Ruby passed away, and I instantly felt guilt, and looked around to see who had seen me.  I might be broken and crying on the floor in the morning, but I get my self together, and can be a playful mom an hour later. It doesn't mean I have healed. It doesn't mean I have forgotten, or moved on. It just means I am having an ok moment! When I have had a break down, I have appreciated a little pat on my back, and a tissue discretely handed my way.

9. Don't ask, just DO.  Yes, I needed my bathroom cleaned and I was too tired to even lift my arm, but if you ask what you can do, I wouldn't have said, "Please clean my bathroom." It was more meaningful when my friend showed up, stormed through my protest, and cleaned my bathroom and then left. Drop off dinner with out asking what they want. They only thing they want is their loved one back, thinking about dinner is the last thing on their mind. Play with their kids. Mow their lawn. Replant flowers.

10. LOVE. If you love someone, and expect nothing in return, you can't go wrong. There has been so many acts of love and kindness to our family. It was physically and emotionally impossible to thank everyone, and express how much we appreciated them. But I knew that they didn't expect that, and it made the acts even more appreciated. Love is the only thing that can lessen the pain, and by expressing your love with acts and words of kindness, you will make a difference.




(I will eventually post a more detailed guide of what to do for a family in the hospital, and other things that are hard to know, unless you have been through it. )