Her Leaves

I have not loved the changing of the season. I knew it meant it was just that much further away from us seeing her, and that upset me, but I knew it was something more than that.
This morning, I was pulling out to take Kate to preschool, and the leaves were being racked up in my front yard. At that moment, I knew. Those leaves were leaves that Kate, Ruby and I laid under during the hot summer. Those are the leaves that shaded us in our backyard planting while Ruby sat in her bouncy. Those are the leaves that she watched while laying on the couch. Those are the very leaves that we walked under when I took her outside to get her to stop fussing. It took a lot for me not to run over and explain just how precious those leaves were to me.
We have big, tall windows in our family room. We moved in this winter, and the trees were bare. I remember coming home from a 2 week stay in the hospital in the Spring, and the trees had tiny light green buds all over. It was symbolic for a lot of things for me. It seemed like every time we would return after a hospital stay, the leaves were the first thing we noticed. They were always greener, always bigger. Maybe since my baby was getting weaker, and sicker, perhaps that was a little hope for me. I don't know, but I have an attachment to those leaves!
At the park the other day, I had the same feeling. We spent a lot of time at that park. I sat on the bench, under the trees, nursing, and watching Kate play. The leaves will all fall. And new leaves will come. But those leaves have never watched us play. Those leaves have never seen those sparkly blue eyes. They have never created the shade that danced across her face. They aren't hers.
I know this must sound so strange. But, it is how I feel.
I feel the same way when I toss out food I bought when Rubes was with me at the grocery store. Or when I emptied the bottle of shampoo I used at the hospital. Even buying a new shirt, I feel like, Ruby never got to see this shirt! I guess these are all just signs that life moves on. The leaves change. Food goes bad. Who knew those things could be such a trigger?
I would be forever content rewinding to those hot summer days, laying under the trees with my girls.

When I vacuum.

Everywhere I turn, I am reminded that she is gone. I can't escape the constant reminders.
When I am vacuuming, I get to the spot where her swing was, or her bouncy seat, and my heart breaks.
I was cleaning out my pantry last week. In the back of one of the lower shelves, I found all her baby food, and puffs I had bought before she was even born. I was so excited for her to come to our family. Bananas were her favorite, so kept one in the cardboard, it just felt right.
Every night when we tuck Kate into bed, my stomach is just doing flips. I use to have two kids to tuck into bed. I use to nurse Ruby and get her into her jammies, and rock and sing her to sleep, while Matt got Kate all ready. Then we would have family prayer together, and Kate and Ruby would snuggle for a little while. It is just so obvious that she is not there.
Doing the laundry is strange. Ruby went through a lot of outfits in a day. The amount of laundry is so much smaller, and a lot less pink. I miss folding those tiny onesies.
Kate started preschool. When I signed her up 6+ months ago, I was excited to have that one on one time with just Ruby. Every time I get into my car after dropping Kate off, my car seems SO empty. I think, "What am I suppose to do now?" That is always the moment when it is very obvious that my life is not what I thought it was going to be.
Family outings are getting hard for me. Kate always declares, "Family HUG!" or says, "the whole family!" And my breath catches. It feels strange to be able to be out all day, and not worry about naps or bottles, or TPN, or meds. I WISH we had those things to worry about. Being spontaneous is not very fun anymore.
I know she is with us in spirit. I really think that she is around us all of the time, and participating in things we do, and making memories right along side us. BUT, I want her there physically as well. I want her in my arms. I want to be busy and stressed out, and tired and have spit up in my hair.
I see mothers everyday that look so upset and unhappy.
Do you know how lucky you are to have spit up in your hair? Do you know how lucky you are to have TWO crying babies in your cart? Do you know how lucky you are that you get to buy diapers? Do you know how lucky you are to have circles under your eyes from being up all night with your baby, and not from crying all night from missing your baby? Do you know how lucky you are that you get to nurse your baby? It takes everything in me not to walk up to mother's and just make sure they know!
Even though Ruby was just a baby, she had such a big place in our lives. I like that. I like that there are reminders around our home of her. It is painful, but it helps me feel like she really was and IS a part of our family.

Wristband and Picture Notice:

We apologize for the delay in shipping out wristbands and pictures. Due to the overwhelming response we ran out of wristbands and had to order more which are scheduled to arrive around the 18th. At that time we have volunteers coming to help us pack and ship them. So again, sorry for the delay and you should have it by the end of the month! Thanks!

Between the lines

There are certain conversations that are just very painful and I just want to scream and pull my hair out. But I just breathe and breathe, and then I don't feel like I am dying after while. I give the answers they are looking for, but inside I am having a battle with myself because I want to pour my heart out and make them understand.

Long story short, our insurances use to pay for massages on our old plan, and I had some I never used because I was pregnant, and had to use them up by a certain date. So, for the past 3 weeks, I have gone weekly. The massage therapist always asks me, "Are you hurting any where in particular?" UM YESSSS!!! And then comes, "Are there any injuries I should know about?" YES, A TERRIBLE INJURY! Then I spend the next 10 minutes taking deep breaths and trying not to cry. I just want to be a lady who comes in and is sore from lifting her children and pushing on them on the swings all afternoon. I want my injury to be my leg or arm, or anything but my soul.

I just got off the phone with someone in the medical field. She said, "And you had a neonatal death, correct?" Well, my beautiful, sweet, funny, and amazing daughter passed away 8 weeks ago today. She was 7 months and 1 week old. Is that what you were referring to? And then she later asked me how many weeks I was when I miscarried. I CARRIED HER in my ARMS! She was 7 months and one week old! And then went on to ask how many pregnancy I have had. Two, a 3 year old, and Ruby. "So you only have one child?" NO! I just told you. I HAVE TWO.

I have two children. I have a deep and serious injury that may never ever heal. Can someone make me a shirt?

9 Months

My little Rubes would have been 9 months old today. I can't help but wonder about what her tricks would be this month! I think she would have had a lot more teeth. That girl had 3 teeth, and was going strong! If one of those liver would have worked out, she would have been home and healthy by now. I think she would have been sitting up, and maybe trying to crawl. She loved applesauce and bananas, and by this point, I am sure she would have been eating lots of other yummy things. She was a pretty good sleeper when she felt good. I think she would have been sleeping through the night for sure. Baby girl loved to nurse, and I am sure she would be still loving that.
You know what stinks? It stinks that I have to wonder about these things. It sticks that she is not here in our home to physically see and watch, and laugh with. It just plain stinks. I don't want anyone under the wrong impressions that I am doing this well. It is SO hard. It is hard for 99% of the day. There are a few moments, sometimes only one, that I can understand. I am thankful for that relief in the grief.
Ruby, you are truly amazing. Everyday I am still learning from you. I know you are hard at work on the other side, and making sure your family and friends and being cared for. I know you are our little angel, and touching our lives in more ways than we understand or notice. I love you so much Rubers.

What Makes it Bearable

We went on a little getaway for the weekend with my parents. Everyone left the pool for a minute and I was people watching. I immediately spotted a baby girl, around Ruby's age, sound asleep on her mom's chest. The tears started to flow, and then came the body convulsions. When you feel like your a missing your insides, it makes you convulse I've learned. It is so hard to look around and see so many healthy, happy babies, and then feel the heaviness that is my empty arms.

Just a few minutes later, I received an email from a mother who had just lost her son days before. She shared with me that the choice to donate his organs, were made easier because of Ruby. I can't even describe the joy that brings to me. It is hard to understand most of the time why Ruby is gone, and why we have to endure this, but her impact on thousands leaves me speechless. It is hard not to feel comforted and more peaceful hearing a story like that.

And today, I bumped into a mom with a cute baby at Target. I have never met her before, but she shared with me how much Ruby's story has touched her life, and made her want to be a better mom. She also said she was now an organ donor. I tried hard not to cry in the middle of Target, but the tears came.

That is my Ruby girl touching people left and right. I am so proud of my daughter. I am so lucky, in so many ways.

When I see and hear the tangible ways that Ruby has touched lives, it reminds me of her purpose on this earth, and reminds me that our Heavenly Father truly has a plan for every one of us. Ruby has a pretty amazing plan. I am so happy to be a part of that.

I love you Rubers.