My little Rubes would have been 9 months old today. I can't help but wonder about what her tricks would be this month! I think she would have had a lot more teeth. That girl had 3 teeth, and was going strong! If one of those liver would have worked out, she would have been home and healthy by now. I think she would have been sitting up, and maybe trying to crawl. She loved applesauce and bananas, and by this point, I am sure she would have been eating lots of other yummy things. She was a pretty good sleeper when she felt good. I think she would have been sleeping through the night for sure. Baby girl loved to nurse, and I am sure she would be still loving that.
You know what stinks? It stinks that I have to wonder about these things. It sticks that she is not here in our home to physically see and watch, and laugh with. It just plain stinks. I don't want anyone under the wrong impressions that I am doing this well. It is SO hard. It is hard for 99% of the day. There are a few moments, sometimes only one, that I can understand. I am thankful for that relief in the grief.
Ruby, you are truly amazing. Everyday I am still learning from you. I know you are hard at work on the other side, and making sure your family and friends and being cared for. I know you are our little angel, and touching our lives in more ways than we understand or notice. I love you so much Rubers.
You know what stinks? It stinks that I have to wonder about these things. It sticks that she is not here in our home to physically see and watch, and laugh with. It just plain stinks. I don't want anyone under the wrong impressions that I am doing this well. It is SO hard. It is hard for 99% of the day. There are a few moments, sometimes only one, that I can understand. I am thankful for that relief in the grief.
Ruby, you are truly amazing. Everyday I am still learning from you. I know you are hard at work on the other side, and making sure your family and friends and being cared for. I know you are our little angel, and touching our lives in more ways than we understand or notice. I love you so much Rubers.
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First thing this morning I said a special prayer for you knowing that Ruby would be 9 months old today. Heavenly Father, please bless Ani with the comfort of your presence. Be with her Lord today as she struggles for peace and misses her angel. May your love surround her and lighten her burden. I ask this in Jesus name...Amen.
Hang in there Ani!
xoxox
It does just plain stink!
you guys are still in our prayers, and she is still touching so many lives every day. this weekend during conference, one of the last talks of the sunday afternoon session made me think of you. i don't know who was speaking because we were listening in the car, but he talked about the trial of losing a child and how important their work on the other side is. about how with time, we will learn to understand more and more they were taken from us. anyway, i'm sure you heard it, but i wanted to let you know that i was thinking of you and yoru family the whole time and that i am still praying for you guys. what a blessing to have been able to have ruby in your life (and ours!) for the months that we did. thank you so much for sharing your feelings and her life with us. thousands and thousands of people have been blessed because of it.
IMMEDIATELY when I seen this picture it brought a smile to my face... I'm deeply saddened by your loss Ani. I have been following your blog for about 3 months now. I cried with you and for you when Ruby's sweet spirit met our father. I pray for your family nightly. PLEASE KNOW Ani you and sweet Ruby are an inspiration to thousands. I made sure to correctly sign up to be a organ donor online and I give blood every few months. I hopr to meet you for Ruby's walk in January. Forever Ruby is in my heart...xoxo
What an adorable picture. I can't imagine how much your hurting right now, but I am so sorry that you are. I think of you and your family all the time. Sending love from Arkansas.
Very cute picture. It does just stink. I can't imagine how you get through your days without her. I hope writing helps some and her beautiful memories and pictures.
My thoughts are drawn to you so often. I am glad you feel moments of peace no matter how brief they may be. I will continue to pray that you will feel more and more of those. Thinking of you always.
Oh that smile is such a beautiful one! I HATE that you have to guess at what she is doing. I can not imagine being in your shoes and I wish that no one knew what you were going through :(. You are doing this well, because no matter how difficult you are making it through each day. I wish she was home playing and getting in to everything, just a healthy and happy baby. I do know that every sadness and loss will be more than made up, but I wish you did not have to wait for that time.
Happy 9th months to sweet Ruby! I am so glad you are blessed with such an amazing talent to have such beautiful photographs of your beautiful baby. But those are nothing in comparison to having her in your arms, so you are right that it just plain stinks. My heart aches for you and I know that doesn't even remotely compare to the aching in your heart. I cry with every photo you post, she is truly, stunningly beautiful.
She is so beautiful. Happy 9 months Ruby!
Hi,
I just found out about your blog from Make It and Love It. I've only read a few of your posts and I'm a blubbering mess! You must be one of the strongest women on the planet. My heart goes out to you and your family. I have two little girls also, one is 4 and the other is 16 months. I hope and wish the very best for your family and their futures =)
What a smile that little Ruby has! Love to see her smiling face. Happy 9 months to your little angel. She won't be forgotten. Her picture is in our nursery. We say good morning to her each day and good night to her when we tuck Sawyer in for bed.
Keep holding on.
Ruby truly has touched the lives of many. I have only been following your blog for a short while, but my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
How could it NOT be hard to lose that beautiful girl? I expect it will still be hard years to come, at moments. But if the grief breaks for a moment here and there and you can smile or even laugh, no one will think less of you for relishing that moment. I think when we grieve we can almost feel guilty if we have moments when we can enjoy life again. Like we are disrespecting their memory. But you have to have relief. You just have to. No one could continue to live with the razor sharp bite of livid grief every moment of every day. Eventually it will begin to pass and the awful burden will lighten. Please allow it to happen without guilt.
Jaxx
hi ani, i found your blog last night and although i have no words that can go anywhere near expressing the saddness that i feel for you all, i just wanted you to know that you have been in my thoughts all night and day. thank you for the beautiful inspiring words on being a mother that i read last night, i will think back to them for the rest of my life. my prayers are with you all xxx
My girls turn 9 months today...the 7th...I think of Ruby everyday, esp on their month anniversaries bc I know its only 2 days from hers. I cant imagine there is a single minute thats easy...it isnt easy for me to read about or even begin to try to understand and I never met any of you. I cant imagine how the MOTHER would feel going through this grief. I wish you didnt have to wonder these IF's too...I really wish...I prayed and pleaded to God to not take her from you. Sometimes things are just beyond our comprehension and this is by far one of them. I am so sorry for your saddness.... :(
Hi Ani,
I don't even know how to write this comment because I feel like there's so much to say but no words to say them.
I don't know you or your family but share several mutual friends. (I'm originally from Mission Viejo and think you might live in the area?)
I didn't start reading your blog until right after Ruby passed away. I know it doesn't help and at this point you're probably sick of hearing it, but I am truly so sorry for you've gone through and are going through.
I've been so amazed at how you are "handling" all this. I put that in quotes because I know on a recent post you said you're not handling it, or doing well...I can't remember the exact words.
I admire your complete honesty on your blog and hope you are able to continue to learn whatever it is Heavenly Father wants you to learn from this.......to even call it a trial or situation or circumstance seems almost offensive because I know it's so much more than that.
Anyway, I was going to comment on the next post, about your insurance, but wasn't able to so I'm leaving this here.
There were two things you mentioned in that post that reminded me of a blog I used to read a few years ago. An LDS family in Las Vegas lost their little one year old baby girl and she blogged very openly through her grieving process.
One of the things that made me think of her while reading was your mention of going in to get a massage, I remember reading the mother had gone in to get a massage and how her experience was similar to yours. Also, I remember her saying how it was so awkward when she'd meet new people who didn't already know her story and would ask how many children she had. Her baby who passed away was her fourth. She didn't want to make the situation awkward by saying her daughter had passed away, but also didn't feel right saying she only had three children, leaving out her fourth. So she would say, "We've been blessed with four children."
I have no idea what sort of things help people when they're dealing with the loss of a child, but I just wanted to direct you to her blog in case it might help in the slightest bit. Other moms who'd lost children used to frequently comment about how they found strength in her words, and I hope you might too. The posts about her daughter start here:
http://adailyscoop.blogspot.com/2008/06/pray-for-camille.html
I hope nothing I've said has offended or hurt you in any way, and I hope something today makes your pain a little lighter.
I don't know you but wish I did. You are adorable and I admire you so much. You have the most beautiful children I have ever seen. I still pray for you and your family daily. xoxo Cindy
You are surviving so I'm glad at how you're "handling" it so far. Forgive yourself for not handling it in the "perfect way" because whatever way you find to grieve is the only way. What I wouldn't give to make this easier for you...
Oh Ani it really does stink. Plain and simple.
So glad you have little tender mercy moments... I will pray for more of those for you. And that you don't have to have any more conversations with insensitive people like that awful lady on the phone in the post above. So sorry you had to go through that.
I just came across your story today. My name is Stephanie and i am from Edmonton Alberta Canada. A little drive from you but your story is now close to my heart. I have 2 girls aswell and i cant begin to know how you must be feeling.. Know this, your story has touched me and my thoughts are with you are your family. hugs across the boarder!
Stephanie
I sob (snot running out of nose and all) every time I read one of your posts. I hurt for you so much. Ruby was a part of you. A big piece of your heart. Death wasn't part of God's plan and I hate it. There are no right words to say because what can possibly be said to ease the pain of a grieving mother who had to bury her child? God understands, but the wound is still there. He can give us strength to keep living, but it doesn't take the void away that something is not right. Let the tears come. Being strong doesn't mean ignoring the pain, it's enduring the pain. Working through it, sobbing, accepting it as it is and being able to say that everything it not alright. Time will help you sweet girl. I promise. But forever until the day you are with our heavenly father and reunited with your little girl, the sting will be there.Your Ruby will always have a piece of your heart. So, I cry for you, missing your little girl with you and hope to carry this burden with you some way.
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