I was 18, sitting in the passenger seat, and watching the world go on as normal. I had just said goodbye and watched my grandfather pass away. It was so baffling to me that the person driving next to us, had no idea what we had just gone through. The people walking down the street, handing hands, acting like like nothing had just happened. Why would the trash trucks still be in operation? I felt like the world should just stop for a minute. But, it didn't, and it doesn't.
I sort of feel the same way right now. I am sitting on the 5th floor of the hospital, looking down on a busy town. I see Frat houses. I see students on their way to class. I see the the city bus dropping off a load of people. I see someone dumpster diving. Everyone just living their life.
Yesterday I woke up with the sunshine filling my room and my husband kissing me goodbye for the day. Yesterday I made breakfast for my Kate Bug. Yesterday I cleaned my house. Yesterday I watered my flowers. Yesterday I took out my trash. Yesterday I did the dishes. Yesterday I played dolls. That was my life yesterday.
Today I woke up in room 5333 and two nurses and a doctor in my room. Today I have worried. Today I have prayed. Today I have watched my little and wondered if she is in pain. Today I will have a CT scan to see if I can be a donor for her. Today I will meet with her doctors. Today I am away from my Kate Bug. That is my life today.
This new life that I have is starting to slowly feel normal. I can pack bags for the whole family and be on the road in an hour. I am starting to recognize nurses and doctors all over this hospital. I know the janitor's name on the floor. I am not confused when I wake up in the middle of the night in a strange room and monitors beeping.
When this all started, I was angry that I was going through this trial, and the world around me was still turning as it did before my baby was sick. But, now I am realizing that this is my new normal. It is just my life right now. I know it will not be like this forever, but this is it for now. And that is ok.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
A new normal.
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5 comments:
Beautiful. Just beautiful. You have the ability to put into words the experiences that I have had in my own life. I have gone through tragedy and witnessed the world going on and people taking "normal" life for granted. These are memories that will be indelibly etched into your heart and someday they will give you comfort. For me, emotional pain was actually spiritually uplifting and a cleansing for my soul. I love you, Ani, and my prayers are constant for you and little Ruby.
My heart is breaking for you and I wish I could be there to help. I feel like I can't say enough how much we are thinking of you and love you so much. I am in awe of your strength and I hope you guys get some good news soon. I love you
So incredibly proud to be your cousin, friend, and sister in Christ. Praying for all of you daily!!!!
This is so beautifully written. The world really should stop when you are going through something this hard. You are so strong.
Ruby deserves to have the world stop for her! Just because it doesn't stop does NOT mean that she didn't deserve it. She was such a beautiful and precious girl!! Ruby's story as told through your blog will stick with me and I will hug my own children tighter and longer every chance I get. My thoughts and prayers are with your family!!
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