She should have...

She should have started preschool today. We should have gone school shopping and picked out the perfect outfit, probably a dress. I would have put out the “You Are Special Today”, plate, and made her her favorite breakfast. I don’t even know what that would have been. Pancakes? Waffles? Oatmeal? I would have given her a bath, and made sure she was squeaky clean to meet her teacher for the first time. I would have combed her hair, and put a pretty bow in. She would have stood on our front porch, holding the chalkboard. It would have read, “1^st Day of Preschool”. I would have taken pictures, one with me and her, one with her and her dad, and one with all three girls. She would have put her little dimpled hand in mine and we would have walked across the street to the preschool. She would have been nervous, and probably a little excited. I would have been a nervous wreck, wondering if she would be ok out of my care for those few hours twice a week.  I would have watched her sit on the floor, with the other kids, listening to a book, and probably glancing back every so often to make sure I was still there. She should have started preschool today. But she didn’t.

Every day I miss her, but it is days like today, that I know exactly what I am missing out on. I know where we would have been, and what we would be doing today. So today, instead of crying with the other moms that our babies are starting preschool, I am at home, crying that she isn’t.

Serve Together

From:http://www.linesacross.com/2013/05/free-printable-albert-einstein-quotes.html

I have started a project that is all about service. I wanted to share it here, and invite you to follow the project on Instagram, @servetogether. There is also a blog: www.projectservetogether.blogspot.com
Here is a little summary about what we are doing.

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We have found a lot of happiness by serving others as a family. 

Serving together has amazing power to strength relationships and heal broken hearts. 

We want to see love and service spread. 

Each week, we will be suggesting an act of service, and challenging everyone to participate.

We want to SEE the service happening!  We want to see pictures, videos, and stories! It is inspiring to see other serve around us, and far from us. We are all able to serve in someway. Let's share our experinces, and learn from eachother.

 Love and kindness and joy will increase in our homes and in our families.

Most of the acts of service are things you will be able to do with children. Each week will be a new idea. It would be fun to see these acts of service being performed all over. 

Follow @servetogether on Instagram, and use the hashtag #projectservetogether

We will be going through the pictures and would love to share a service experience each week.

As we share our experiences with friends and families, we will help spread the spirit of service!

Somedays are just hard

Some days are harder than others. But to be honest, any day that you have a child in Heaven is a hard day. It might not appear that I am having a hard (or harder) day to others, but it doesn’t mean I am not having one. I have just gotten really practiced at hiding the pain. Why hide the pain? Because it makes people uncomfortable is the simple answer. I mean, can you imagine casually asking someone, “How are you?” and having them reply honestly? My honest answer would be something like, “My heart is aching and my throat feels really tight today when I think of my daughter.”  For whatever reason we all try to act like everything is fine, so that is what I try to do most days.

But then there are the days when I can’t pretend it is ok.  The day I saw a rant on Facebook about someone’s misbehaved 3.5 year old…The day we met with the headstone company…The day I cleaned out the pantry and found baby food covered in a layer of dust pushed to the far back…. Those days feel like I got sucker punched in the gut. Literally, it physically hurts.  Those days leave me doubled over in pain and with deep sobs coming form the part of your soul only your child can fill. Those moments feel like panic, and anxiety, and fear. And then usually my sweet 6 year old pulls me out of that place with insistent questions of, “Mom, are you crying? Why are you crying? Do you miss Ruby? I do to. It is ok! We will see her again someday. Please stop crying mommy. Your mascara is running!”

After those moments, (and I have wiped my mascara off!) I feel more connected to Ruby. It is necessary for my soul to feel the raw anguish of losing part of it’s self.  I don’t like to get to that point of grief very often, because I don’t like to focus on the “death” part. I have really been able to separate her life and her death in my mind and in my memories of her.

I wonder about Ruby a lot. I wonder if she feels the longing for us, like we do for her? It must be different where she is. She must see the bigger picture and have more patience for our reunion. I wonder if she misses me holding her? Her sister playing with her? Her Dad talking sweetly to her? I have to think she does.

I know all things will be made right one day. I hold on to that. My loses will be returned to me.

Until then, we have faith. We have hope. We have memories, and we have a perfect little daughter watching over us, and waiting for us. And we have two more little daughters keeping us in the present here. I am so thankful that God has given me these three girls. I feel the deepest amount of appreciation to be their mother. 

Grief is...

Grief is unexpected. 

You can never be prepared to handle grief. It comes sudden for some, and for others is looms in the shadows; creeping in slowly. However it arrives, it is never welcome. 

Grief is physical.

 It is not just the emotion of intense sadness...it actually physically hurts. It feels like a ton of bricks pushing down on your chest. It feels like the moment you lost your child at the park, but it never goes away. It feels like a nightmare, but it is real life. 

Grief is to be endured. 

There are no short cuts. You can't go around, under or over grief. It is there, like an unwelcome guest, that will never go away. Grief cannot be escaped. 

Grief is lonely. 

There are thousands of books, talks, and suggestions...but none just for you. Grief is personal, individual and different for everyone. No one has lost what you have. You can grieve along side someone, but there is no sharing your portion of pain or heaviness. 

Grief is love.

 It is because we love so deeply and intense that we then grieve so deeply and intense. The only way to avoid grief is to not love. The love we have for those we have lost, outweighs the grief. Always. 

Happiness

Kate is off at school. I just laid Lola down for a nap. Matt is at work. The sun is shining and the wind is blowing through my bedroom window. I am happy. I was just making my bed and I just had an overwhelming feeling of happiness and my first thought was to thank my Father in Heaven for the prayers he has answered, and the blessings I have been given. And then I felt like I needed to write. So, here I am. 

Those things I am thankful for today, may seem really insignificant, but for me it is a big, fat, deal. It means that life is returning to our {new} normal for the Taylor family. To me it means that I have a healthy, smart and joyful Kindergartner that loves to go to school, learn, play and be social. It means that I have been blessed with a perfectly healthy, happy, and darling baby girl that gets to be with me all day long in my home. It means that my husband has a job (after 7 months of being unemployed!), a promising career, and is providing for our family. 

After the trials we have been through, we are happy for anything at this point! We have learned to find joy and happiness in the small things, and feel extremely blessed for the bigger things. We are able to recognized that everything, EVERYTHING, is a gift and a blessing from Heavenly Father. 

We are also able to recognize that the things that have been taken away from us, are not a punishment, but a trial, given to us from a loving Heavenly Father. He loves us, he does not leave us, and he will always, ALWAYS, bless us. God is good. 

I am thankful for today.

Milestones

Lola Bloom, 7 months old

Milestones. They are always there. They haunt. They creep up, they linger, and sometimes they scream in your face. 

I have been dreading this milestone for a long time, even before I was pregnant with Lola. Lola is older than Ruby was when she passed away at 7 months and 1 week. It might sound silly and insignificant, but I thought about that date creeping up on us a lot. The anticipation of these dates are usually harder than the actual day. 

The past couple of months as Lola has reached the size that Ruby was, I would be bathing her, or changing her diaper, or lotioning up her little sturdy body, and my heart would just break. I would look at her perfect tiny body and without any warning I would have flashbacks of Ruby's precious little body. When I think of all that she went through physically at such a young age, I just want to curl up into a little ball and cry. Ruby has been gone for 2 and half years, and sometimes she seems larger than life. Does that make sense? So when I really look at Lola, and think that Ruby was here just like Lola is now, and she was as small as Lola is, and went through so much. It makes my mama's heart break over and over again. 

When we woke up to Lola's 7 month, 1 week, and 1 day birthday, I felt gratitude. It was an  unexpected emotion. I was bracing myself for fear, for regret, for longing and pain, but it was just gratitude. That day was a day I never got with Ruby. It is a blessing that we have our Lola. WE KNOW how precious each day is. So the fact that we had this extra day with Lola that we missed with Ruby, was a big deal for me. 

We went to Disneyland as a family. We had fun together, watched the fireworks, and thought a lot about our 2nd little daughter that we wished was there.

We have been through the first of a lot of things now, and that feels like a big accomplishment in our grief. We survived the first holidays, birthday, angel day, the birth of a new baby, and this new milestone.

Every day I miss Ruby, and every day I look at Kate and Lola and know just how lucky I am to have them here with me.

3

Today is my Ruby's 3rd Birthday. 

The anticipation of these hard days seem to be always worse than the actual day. 

The past two birthdays, we have celebrated with the Run for Ruby. We have been so busy and stressed with the big event, that we had little time to feel sad. 

This year was different. We didn't have any grand plans, but I knew that I wanted to do something to celebrate on Saturday. We ended up going to Islands for dinner, and we brought along Ruby's picture, at Kate's request. We even told the waiter we were celebrating a birthday, and had a yummy treat and sang to Ruby('s picture). 

 

We decided that Ruby would have liked to go to Chuck E Cheese, so we spent the rest of the night playing games and winning tickets. As we were getting out of the car at Chuck E Cheese, I realized that we had taken Ruby and Kate there when Ruby was about a month old. I like to be places that she has been before. It just felt right that we celebrated there. 

Last night I made a quick run to Target alone to get a few things for a picnic for today. I started to feel a little sorry for myself as I was picking out some party plates in the birthday isle. I don't often feel like that. I am sad that things happened the way they did. I wish it were different, but right then and there I felt so sorry for myself. I felt pathetic. I was really hoping no one would asking about the party decor in my cart. I felt embarrassed, but why should I? It is my baby girl's birthday, and it will be celebrated! I even went to the toy isle and picked out a birthday gift for Ruby with the intention of donating it to another 3 year old. After a stop at the grocery story to pick up a "3" balloon, I asked Matt to get the birthday box down, and then staid up decorating! It felt good. It felt right. Ruby is part of our family, her birth is worth celebrating! I went to bed feeling a little less sad by going through the motions that I would have normally done, had she still been here. 

Today was very peaceful. I know that there were many that were thinking about our family, and praying for us, and I truly felt those prayers. We visited Ruby's place, and had a picnic. We brought flowers, and balloons, cupcakes and candles! We had our very own little birthday party, in the middle of the cemetery. After we sang "Happy Birthday", Kate was making her way over to the candles to blow them out for Ruby, when the wind (read: Ruby) blew them all out!

Usually I am ready to leave after we have been there for a while, but today was different. I didn't want to leave. I just felt so peaceful at her place. I think I must have felt her near. It was such a different feeling than I normally have there. The sun was setting, and the breeze was blowing her balloons around, and I just wanted to stay, and keep that feeling. 

I am so thankful for my sweet Ruby girl, and the gift that she continues to be to our whole family. 

Happy Birthday Ruby!

XO