Sometimes I wish it hadn't happened to me. I was sitting on my sister's couch last weekend, and I looked in her kitchen and saw Ruby smiling down from the fridge. And then I thought, "Dangit, why does that have to be MY baby that people hear a sad story about?" It was much, much easier to hear the sad stories, than to BE the sad story.
Sometimes I wish it hadn't happened to me. When someone asks how many children I have...I wish I could happily reply "TWO!", and not get awkward when I am asked their ages. The words, "Our youngest would be turning 2 in January...but..." hurts, every time. Sometimes I don't feel like explaining to strangers, so I just leave out the "but" of the explanation. It was easier to reply "2 and a 1/2 and a newborn" with a big fat smile on my face!
Sometimes I wish it hadn't happened to me. When I look at pictures from when Ruby is here, I long for my old life. I long for the old me. There are times when I feel like a bystander in my own life. Times when I know something should make me laugh and or bring me joy...and I just can't feel it. I wish I would have been protected from the reality of just how fragile life is.
Sometimes I wish it hadn't happened to me. I find an image of myself holding my baby girl close to me. Her tiny hand resting on my arm, my shoulder, my face, or my own hand. I realize that I had her, she was real, I use to hold her and nurse her and love on her! I could touch her? It seems so foreign to me now. I walked into my house after a busy afternoon and looked at our family picture on the wall, and Ruby almost looked photo-shopped in. It was the strangest feeling. It just looked so odd to see my husband HOLDING Ruby.
Sometimes I wish it hadn't happened to me. I wish I didn't feel resentful towards mothers publicly complaining about their children. It's normal to complain about your children, yes!, but when I am aching for my own child to just BE, hearing about teething, pooping, messes, and sleepless children makes me a little crazy inside. Do you know how lucky you are? No. I really do not believe anyone can realize what they really have until it is gone. I know that I didn't. If I had known, OH, if I had know!... I would have never put that baby down. I would have taken a thousand more pictures. I would have taken video, after video, after video! I miss her mean cry. I miss changing diapers, and I miss sleepless nights. I miss well checks, and the 10 seconds of crying after a shot! I wish I had my two here, and that I was stressed about all the small things. I wish I was the mom complaining, because it sure beats having none of that to complain about.
Sometimes I wish it hadn't happened to me. But it did. It happened. It HAPPENED. My child, my daughter, my baby; died. She was here, and then she was not. In an instant, her heart stopped beating and just like that...she was gone.
Always? Always I am grateful she is mine. It would have been worse to not have had her at all. I am constantly amazed at her far reaching influence. It is a confirmation to me, that she did in fact live, and that she did in fact fulfill her purpose of touching the lives of those who learn about her. I am always, always thinking about her, trying to better myself, trying to become more like her. Ruby? She is always. She is always mine, always around me, and always will be. And that makes a little more do-able.
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For those of you that do not know me in "real-life", I feel like I need to explain something. This blog use to be a place for me to record the stories of my family. Since Ruby came, and went, it has slowly become a blog about her. For right now, it does not feel right to post my feelings about her, and then the next day blog about a fun vacation or a TV show, etc. I have gotten a few emails from sweet people wishing I would feel happiness at some point. I want you guys to know that I DO! We are happy most of the time. We sing, we dance, we laugh! A LOT! We have spent a lot of this year traveling, spending time as a family, and finding joy in the things that we have around us. For some reason, when I am feeling down, this is my place. I feel like Ruby is known on these pages, and it feels appropriate to chronicle the continuation of her legacy here and also my journey of grief. This, oddly, is my safe place.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Sometimes and Always.
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30 comments:
I love that you share. I think of Ruby often. I have 3 kids and my youngest will be a year old in just 2 weeks. Because of Ruby and all of the feelings you share, I am cherishing many more moments with my kids because they grow up so fast. I need to have more patience a lot of the time, but I do squeeze them each more, tell them I love them, and be silly. So thanks again for your willingness to share. Ruby is lucky to have a mom like you.
Because of you and ruby, I hug, kiss, and say I love you a thousand times a day to my babies. I don't take the time we have together for granted. You two are an inspiration. And you, are an amazing mama ani.
Start another log about the good days. Your oldest daughter will have something to look back on and read. I know she'd appreciate hearing all about the joy she brings to the family. But definitely include us :) I'd love to follow the good days too.
I have been following your blog for quite some time but I don't know that I have ever commented. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing Ruby with us. Thank you for sharing your journey through grief. I have lost 2 of my little boys of my own and the things you write about are near and dear to my heart. It makes me feel not so alone to know that these things we feel after losing our babies is normal. And I agree, I think one of the most difficult questions to answer is "how many kids do you have?". Anyway, thank you again for sharing!
Thank you for sharing your feelings. I admire you and your honest emotions. It makes me want to be a better person and mom. What a blessing it is to know Ruby's story and I am grateful for you sharing this with me. I thought of you today reading an article in the September Ensign. It was about how your heart is never the same after loosing someone close to you. I hope you continue to share your thoughts and feeling with us . What a great day it will be when your sweet family is reunited.
I still check this everyday, I love your posts and I completely understand why this blog is dedicated to just Ruby and I know you guys do a lot of happy, fun things to celebrate Ruby's life, but this is your special place to write about just her. I love it. I am going to walk upstairs and lower the rail on Austin's crib and kiss his sweet face and my other kid's sleeping faces because of Ruby right now.
I am happy to hear you are happy and enjoying life. I love hearing the hard feelings. You give me great perspective.
I think you are doing a great job of keeping Ruby's memory alive. She is changing lives with your help and I need the reminders to hold my children closer and just be grateful for the small routines of life. I see the other side of your life on insta and know you are documenting for Kate, as well. But it is more than fair for you and Ruby to have this space.
I will never stop thanking you for sharing Ruby with us.
how i talk about my kids/life is totally because of ruby and a comment you made here on the blog about it. it was something along the lines of you being at target seeing a mom struggling and obviously getting really frustrated with her kids... and you wishing you could be feeling the same with your two kids. ever since, whenever i'm about to get really upset i think of you and ruby and my "problems" don't seem like a big deal anymore. you and your family are awesome.
ps- it was great seeing you guys at erin's wedding... i wish we had more time to catch up!
You do not know me. And what I know about you is written in this blog. I heard about you from your motherhood essay that Stephanie posted. This is now a place I come when I need to be reminded that the little Issues that get me down, shouldn't. It's always the place I come to remind myself to be thankful for that I have today, because tomorrow it might be gone.
This post of all yours has been the most inspirational and uplifting. We never appreciate what we have and really need to. It's nice to just have a place to be real I'm sure. To just write what you feel because what you went through and still do is in no way easy. You are amazing for all you do and all those ruby has been able to inspire to be a better person. Thank you for sharing your story and helping me to be a better mom.
I am grateful for you and grateful that you use this blog the way you need to use it. I came by today to tell you I got my new licence in the mail and on it was a bright red sticker that said "donor" on it. It felt good to be official. Thank you for sharing your story. Ruby has touched my life and continues to touch my life. Sending love.
Thank you for that sweet reminder of just how precious life is and that the moments that seem hard are just that; moments. I am so terribly sorry for your loss and cannot imagine what you are going through. I think that you are brave, strong and wonderful for sharing your story. I love hearing about Ruby and she has inspired me in many ways and I personally do not know either of you. After reading your posts I have never thought that there cannot be joy in your life. I thought this was your 'safe' place when you needed to let out emotions. I pray and think of your family often. I hope peace and comfort and the knowledge of eternal families brings joy and happiness.
seriously cutest little family.
I SO understand this being your safe place.
I want you to know that not a day goes by that I don't remember your sweet "Rubes" and that smile of hers, and I ache for your loss...and I do, I really really do, appreciate my own just that much more because of the lessons you give on this blog. The messes, the fights between sibs, the sleepless nights...whenever I feel exhausted by it all and I feel like I want to complain, well...I might complain just a bit every once in a while, but mostly I just take a deep breath and think: they are a lot of work, and they drive me crazy...but they are here. They are here with me. And I'm so grateful for that.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions as you document Ruby's legacy and your journey with grief. Thank you for sharing your Ruby with all of us. She has changed the way many of us mamas think and react about the everyday mishaps and stresses that comes with raising little ones. She is so beautiful, so well loved during her short time here on earth. I am SO grateful that you will be with her again one day.
You don't know me and I don't know you but I have been very touched by Ruby's story (like everyone else who posted). I also keep a blog and I intend for it to be a place for my girls to go when I'm gone to know how much I loved them, how much of my time I spent planning fun, family-oriented activities together.. Just how honored I am to be their Mom. I don't put the hugely personal stuff on it (you know.. the major fight between my husband and I.. the fact that we've been trying to have another baby but can't) because I want it to be their happy place and serve as a record of just how much they are loved in this world. You might want to have a blog where you do a lot of this for your older daughter-- if this is the only record she has years from now, she might think of this time as something different than it was, because she won't have memories of it, one way or another.
Just a thought...
As always, Ani, your candid and heartfelt expression of what you're really feeling helps me put my own feelings into a grander and more appropriate perspective. Thank you, as always, for being willing to share, because you have and continue to lift and inspire SO MANY PEOPLE!
Maybe this could be Ruby's online place. A place for your every last feeling about her, a place to write the good and the bad about this process.
I knew a friend who had a similar situation and her family blog sort of morphed into a place to put only certain feelings about what their family was going through. Eventually she just started two blogs, one, to document her emotions about the family situation, and two, to blog about general life stuff. Trips, TV shows, and the silly things she was going through simultaneously.
Because both were worth documenting to her.
Thanks for your constant encouragement! Little Ruby has changed the world.
This is exactly how I feel Ani, but lately I can't seem to find the words to say it. Thank you.
You are incredible. I look up you in your faith, as a mother, a wife, and a woman. You have such courage and still see beauty even when you have looked death in the eye. I look forward to your posts, and you are in the prayers of my family & friends. We love you guys! :D
I am glad you have this blog to help you grieve. We suffered four losses after having three children. Two were little boys. :-( I can totally relate to hating hearing other moms complain about messes, being tired and so on. We went on to have two more babies and they have healed our hearts so much. Your story has strengthened me and reminded me how precious my 5 children are.
http://www.ksl.com/?sid=22461236&nid=148&title=midway-family-says-goodbye-to-daughter-who-falls-ill-in-florida&s_cid=featured-5
http://vimeo.com/32950978
You are an amazing inspiration, Ani. I have been following since you had that sweet little Ruby. I look forward to your posts and the way that you put your feelings into words is incredible. Thank you for sharing your sweet girl with the world.
At the risk of sounding "stalker-ish" (which I promise I am not some weird crazy lady), I have to ask...Were you with your family at Disneyland yesterday? I ask because I was and think I saw you- it was a lot more crowded than it usually is when my family goes, so I was doing a lot of people watching. I think we were behind you in the Winnie the Pooh ride line and you behind us on Pirates. I mentioned to my husband that you looked familiar, but I had no idea why, than later realized it was because of your blog, (which I found through the Morman Bachelorette blog). Anyways,just wanted to say thank you for the posts your write on this blog. Seeing you reminded me to not have a terrible attitude when my daughter was screaming and throwing a fit in line that day. She is about a month younger than Ruby would be, (I think that is why I started following your blog). It was just a good reminder to be grateful for my kids and enjoy the time I have them. Thank you for that important reminder! And, if it was your family I saw, hope you guys had a great day, despite the crowds!
Thank you for another beautiful and poignant post. I'm so glad you have this safe place to write about Ruby and your continual journey with her. I also hope you don't feel you have to explain yourself to those of us who read your blog... You write whatever you're feeling as ultimately it doesn't matter what we think at all!
I am so grateful that your safe place is something you feel comfortable sharing with the rest of us. I love that you allow us to still be apart of you and Ruby. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. Her sweet little precious face smiles down on me everytime I'm in my kitchen and I can see her when I sit on my couch. She is beautiful and a very sweet reminder to me daily of what REALLY matters! She is a blessing. Thank you for sharing her!
While I certainly support your need to keep this blog about Ruby (and know that if I support it or not - It doesn't matter - just background so you know better where I'm coming from), I just want to offer another view. You said you'd feel weird posting about Ruby and then a happy thing... but that's how life is. Sad things and happy things all mixed together. One minute you're thinking about Ruby and the next Kate's doing something cute and you're smiling. I hope you know how much happiness you deserve.
Thank you for sharing. I don't know you but back when little Ruby was fighting her battle, I entered the online auction with a donation because my heart was touched after a high school friend of your husband's reached out to me. I came to your blog today to learn more about how you raised money for Ruby as I am trying to help a friend of mine for much needed stem cell treatments. I am touched again. My heart is full and empty at the same time for my own struggles...and for yours. You've reminded me of our perfect savior and friend and the blessing of eternal families. I hope you find more joyful days as you press forward in the memory of sweet Ruby. Much love.
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