rambling thoughts...

If there is anything I have learned about grief, it is that it is constantly changing. Everyday is something different.

The last two months we have taken a lot of necessary time to just "be". It has been really good for me. I wouldn't say it has been healing...but it has been good for me to process my thoughts and feelings, and just take time to think without distractions that we had been using the previous months. Healing is a funny word when talking about grief. Healing to me, has always meant something damaged returning to normal function. That is something that I believe will never happen for me. Nor, do I want it to. Really, how could my life ever return to what it was before. I believe we are slowly creating a new normal for our life, and for our family, but it will never (at least in this life), be the type of normal that most people have, and that I once had.

I envy the mother with my old problems. I envy the blissful mother at the park. I see pictures of myself, even from 7 months ago, when we were in the thick of it, and I envy that girl with the two beautiful daughter by her side. Her eyes were different, and joy-filled.

I have changed. My heart has changed. My testimony has changed. My perspective has changed. I have changed physically. A friend that I have made, that never knew Ruby, saw a video of us from the summer, and made the comment that I that I was a different person then. I was driving when I listened to the message, and I had to pull over, because what she said hit me so hard, because it was so true.

As I write this, I am realizing a lot about what I have been going through these past couple of months. Not only has my life been turned upside down, but my whole self as well. I am trying to figure myself out. I am not sure where I fit in. I am not sure how I will react to certain situations. My friends have taken on different roles. Some people have slowly shied away from us, and the unexpected have stepped up and become like family.

A year ago I was a totally different person than I am today. And that is a lot to process and figure out in such a short amount of time.

I know that the pain will lessen. But, Ruby will always be physically missing in our family, and nothing will ever take her place, nor should it. I have faith that our new normal will be created eventually, and we will find our new way though this life. It just takes time, so time is what we are taking.

"In our song"

Kate talks about her Ruby everyday. I love it. She has such a sweet relationship with her sister, even still.
As we walked out the door yesterday to go to "Ruby's Place", Kate said she wanted to make a card for her sister.

She worked very hard the whole way there, and then when we got there, she dictated to Matt what she wanted the card to say. It was such a sweet memory, that I hope I will never forget.
Kate loves her little sister so much, and nothing will change that.



"Dear Ruby,
I love you once a time. We love you because you are just a Ruby girl! We love your because we are family. We love you Ruby, because we are an eternal family. We love your because you are in our song.
Love,
Kate"

Pieced Together

We spent a good part of June at home with our little family. We loved to be outside, and spent a lot of our free time gardening our little backyard. I remember a particular day, we had all gone to Lowe's, and picked out a bunch of plants and flowers as a family of 4. We then spent the afternoon making our yard look beautiful. Kate was going in and out of the house, and Ruby sat contently in her bouncy seat with the sun warming her little body. Each time we passed a certain tree, a hummingbird would frantically fly out, almost piercing us on its away to freedom. After about 6 or 7 times, I suspected there was a nest, and found one on the lowest branch. From then on, we tried to never go under the branch, as to not scare her. She worked right above us, as we each labored in the sun that day, nesting in our own ways.

The following days, as I bathed Ruby in the sick in the morning, and vacuumed, and changed diapers, and went about my busy mommy life, I watched out the window for busy little bird mama bringing bits and pieces back to her nest to prepare it for her babies. I couldn't help but think we were similar. Each consumed by our motherly instincts, and working hard, all the day long.

We had to go the hospital for a couple of weeks, and when we were able to bring Ruby home, the first thing we did was check to see if there were eggs. There were two teeny tiny white eggs. And a very protective mama!


Again, a hospital visit, and then we returned home to find two tiny little hummingbirds. It was so amazing to watch this whole process happen before our eyes. I had never seen anything like it.

We noticed after the days went on, the mama was gradually getting pushed out of the nest, as her babies grew. And one day, she was completely out of the nest, but only a few inches away from them. And soon enough, the mama was just watching her babies from a nearby branch Giving them room to grow, and a chance to fly. The bigger of the two hummingbirds was strong, and brave, and spent most that day on the branch, out of the nest. And then it was gone.


Later that afternoon, I had Ruby in her sling on me, and I noticed the littlest baby was no longer in the nest, but far up the branch. I grabbed my camera, and we rushed outside to say goodbye to our last little hummingbird.

We watched and watched, as the baby looked all around. It was almost as if it was trying to talk itself into taking flight. We watched for about 5 minutes, until the hummingbird flew right off the branch, out of the tree, and out into the world.


I couldn't help but get emotional watching this happen.

When it was just the three of us that returned to our dusty home in August, I spent a lot of time outside, on our swing. The nest was still there. Perfectly intact. So much had changed. So much had been taken away, but the nest, and the memories of our summer, and our own little baby were still there. Built so strongly, and pieced together, bit by loving bit.

5 months too long

Time.
It is all I ever think about these days. I think about how old she was, how old she would have been. I think about how many days, weeks, months it has been. How many more days until it will be 6 months since she has been gone. How much longer I will have to wait to hold her again.... It is just so hard to grasp.

The very wise man, Neal Maxwell said,

"...time is clearly not our natural dimension. Thus it is that we are never really at home in time. Alternately, we find ourselves impatiently wishing to hasten the passage of time or to hold back the dawn. We can do neither, of course. Whereas the bird is at home in the air, we are clearly not at home in time—because we belong to eternity! Time, as much as any one thing, whispers to us that we are strangers here. If time were natural to us, why is it that we have so many clocks and wear wristwatches?"

Those crazy waves of grief that I talked about before...sometimes consume and take me over. The feeling of panic and despair are almost too much to handle. I think that death is so hard to understand because of the separation, and it hard to fathom that it is only temporary.
It is in those moments that the Lord whispers to me to remember. Remember the plan. Remember we are an eternal family. Remember, she is mine, and she will always be mine. Remember, that even though I cannot see her with my eyes, she is here with us.

I try to grasp eternity. I try to imagine, a limitless amount of time that I get with my family. I think about what a small amount of time, this life here must be in comparison with the life we have ahead of us. It makes this trial seem do-able.

As much as I wish to hasten the time, I cannot.

But, I have an eternity to look forward to.

First Birthday

Today is my little Ruby Jane's first birthday.
I had been planning little details of this day for a year now. I always imagined she would be there, and she was. It wasn't in the way that always thought, but I know she was close.
We started off the day at the Temple, spent some time at her "place" and ended the day with a very special night with family and a few friends, and a beautiful live concert, just for Ruby. The gaping hole that is usually taking me over, was filled with lots of love and peace today. What I thought was going to be a very sad and depressing day was only a few sad and depressing moments. It was a very beautiful day, just for my sweet little girl.
365 days ago, she changed me. And she has changed me for a lifetime.
Happy Birthday to my sweet Rubers.
XO

This morning, I am feeling robbed. I went to sleep thinking of how to make Ruby's little birthday celebration special on Thursday, and dreamed about it all night. But I woke up thinking about how it will never be what I want it to be, because she is not there. It's all I want. It is all I want for FOREVER.
I look at picture of myself from January-August 12 and I feel sick to my stomach. I look so happy. So content. Even with a very sick child, I am content to have her. To have both my girls in my arms. I wonder, will I ever feel complete joy again? Will I ever be content again? It is like a life sentence, this grief. It is just something I will carry for my whole life, and that is that. But truthfully, if I can't have her, I need to grieve her.
Kate talks about Ruby all day. I am so happy she thinks about her, and wants to talk about her like we do. She often prays, "Please bless us that Ruby can stay." It use to make me so sad to hear those words, and think that Kate didn't understand. But, I really think she does understand, and I like to think she is talking about her spirit that we want to stay with us every minute.
I told Kate yesterday that it was Ruby's birthday next week, and she got so excited and ask, "Will there be cake? I love cake, mama."
I am thankful for my Kate. I am thankful for her innocent and pure little testimony of our forever family. I am thankful for Ruby, and that she has instilled into our hearts everything that is important.

Why

Deciding to open this blog to the public was a very hard choice for me. I wasn't even blogging very often, we were so busy with Ruby and everything going on. One day, I had the strongest feeling that I needed to open it to the public, and I needed to start writing about our journey. I questioned this feeling, and stewed about it for a long while. But, I know that the feeling I had was something that could not be ignored.
Blogging about Ruby was very hard. Being honest about her struggle, and how sick she was, was something that was extremely hard to do, and took a awhile to share more openly. I thought at first that I needed to write to help other families that might go through what we were. I was hungry for a real life account from someone else, that had gone through, what we were. But, I couldn't find it.
As Ruby became more and more ill, it seemed like the reason for blogging changed. Being at the hospital full time with Ruby, and a lot of time alone, left me wanting to vent, and write down my feelings. It became therapy for me. I didn't need to pay for it, I didn't need to leave Ruby for it. It helped.
As people started to learn about Ruby and follow her story, I didn't feel so alone. The comments would come in on my phone throughout the day, and it would give me hope. I also felt like Ruby was giving hope to people who hadn't had it for a long time. I would get emails from people who had never prayed, who had never believed in God, saying that they had started, because of my girl. I felt like it was the only thing I could do, for her. I could write, and I could tell her story, and I could ask people to pray for her. It's all I could do.
I remember a particular day, a month or so before Ruby passed away. We were in the hospital, and she was sleeping in her crib. The thought came to me that I needed to write down my feelings for Ruby, while I could still use the present tense. I instantly thought what a silly thing to think, but I did it. I wrote about her, and I got to use the present tense. Something I didn't get to do for very much longer.
Another day, not much longer, I started writing about my new perspective. I never left Ruby awake in her crib. I was always holding her, playing with her, loving on her when she was awake. But that day, when she woke up, something told me to keep writing. I remember the guilt I felt as I put on a Baby Signing Time for her, and kept typing. That post was something that I needed to write for myself. Being a grieving woman, but also a mother to a 3 year old, I needed that reminder. And still do.
In the end, I believed that the whole reason for my blogging, was because we needed that audience to be able to find her donor. If I had never blogged about her, we couldn't have asked for help. Those final 3 people that showed up, gave us hope, until the last minute. Something that Heavenly Father knew we needed as parents to Ruby.
And now? Sharing how I feel, how I grieve, how I survive? Not fun. If you have been around me in the past 4 months, you know I don't like to talk about how we are REALLY doing. I write a lot. And sometimes I choose to share those feelings on my blog. Every time I do it, I wonder why. Every time, I am reassured by a comment, or email that it helped someone.
It's not fun blogging about this. I don't like it. But, I was asked to do it, and I have. And I really believe that I have been blessed with friends, experiences, and love that I wouldn't have, had I chosen to ignore that prompting that day.
There were a few blogs that I have followed since I became a parent. Each of these mother's had lost a child. I feel in a way, they prepared me. After I lost Ruby, I felt so grateful for these mothers for sharing their feelings and stories.
And now? I hope the more people that can learn about Ruby, the more lives will be touched by her sweet spirit that is so strong that it can be conveyed somehow on these pages.
I hope that her story will continue to inspire, and continue to save lives.

Running for Ruby

January 7th
Santa Margarita Ford
Check in Starts at 7am
10k: 8:30
5k: 8:40

We are really excited for the first Run for Ruby. We would love for everyone to come out and support us, and the Foundation. We are so passionate about raising awareness of organ donation. Register here:
http://www.imathlete.com/events/RunforRuby

We are having a blood drive at the run as well. If you would like to sign up for an appointment, here is the link:
https://www.givelife.org/index.cfm?group=op&step=2&opid=932001

Be the Match, the American Red Cross, and Donate Life will all be there. We are all trying to save lives, and it is so exciting that we can do that in Ruby's honor.

Please come!

I need her.

I want to go back.

Sometimes it is hard to not feel picked on.
Sometimes it just hurts to bad, and so deeply, I wonder how I can keep myself breathing.
I know Ruby is so close to me, but I just yearn for her to be here physically. I want her to burrow her head into my neck. I want to give her a bath. I want her smell, her touch, and her giggle.
I want her back, and I want it so bad, it is hard to fathom that my pain and love are not enough for that to happen right now.
I don't want to be the girl who people look at and feel sorry for. Or the girl people admire because I am holding it together. I rather be the boring mom out in the hall at church with a crazy baby.
I want to be planning a first birthday party and watch my baby enjoy it. I want to be Christmas shopping for two sweet daughters.
I want, I want, I want...
And I don't want to wait. It just seems so far away.
It's not alright. I know it will be alright someday...but today it just isn't ok that she is not here.

Update

We have been keeping busy, and we wanted to update everyone!

Service Opportunity in S. CA:
There is an Angel of Hope statue at "Ruby's Place", and every December 6th, there is a candle light service for friends and family of angel children. We will be going that morning and cleaning up the headstone, and leaving a flower for each angel child. It would be a nice surprise for these families when they come to visit that evening to see their child's place looking beautiful. We need a lot of help. This is a great project to bring children to. If you can attend, we will be going on:

Tuesday, December 6th, at 11am.
El Toro Memorial Park, Lake Forest, CA

We are looking for flowers to be donated.
Please bring baby wipes, a grocery bag, and maybe a little broom.
Email me for more information.


Service Opportunity in Utah:
At the Angel of Hope in Ogden, UT, there will also be a candle light service. The cemetery will provide the flowers. It would be very nice to have the headstone looking beautiful here as well.

Tuesday, December 6th
1875 Monroe Boulevard
Ogden, UT

Email me for more info.


Run for Ruby 2012
We have been working away trying to ensure this is a fun day to celebrate Ruby, and to spread the word about organ donation. We would love to see you all there! Registration is open, and just take a minute to do.

January 7th, 2012
Rancho Santa Margarita, CA 92688

http://www.imathlete.com/events/RunforRuby



And to keep up on the latest with the Foundation:

1. Please "like" our Facebook page:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Ruby-Jane-Foundation/163486743725357

2. Visit our website:
http://www.rubyjanefoundation.org/

3. Follow us on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/#!/RubyJFoundation

It's the destination that matters

I use to have my life perfectly planned out. It was a naive life. There was no pain, and no suffering. It was headed down a road that was safe, and pretty, and happy always.
And then real life hit me like a train.

I woke up, and my life was not so naive anymore. There was pain, and suffering. And a lot of it.

It seems like I should be headed down a different road now. It seems like the EXIT for LOST CHILD doesn't exists in this world. On that exit, all painful reminders of my new life do not exist. Target wouldn't have a baby section. There would be no medical shows on TV. The baby toys out at Costco for the holidays would be gone. Everyone would acknowledge my loss. Everyone would know what to say, and how to act. That road, doesn't exist.

I am forced down this same road with a new perspective, nothing else changed, but me. We are traveling with people who are still naive, like I once was. They think big problems are poopie diapers, messy houses, and money. And I can't blame them.

My perfectly planned out life has changed. It's not always safe. The road is unsure and not pleasant at times. But, I am learning that we are all headed in the same direction. That is what I am focused on. Instead of planning out the journey, I am now planning my life for my destination.

My Sunshine

My thoughts are all over this morning. I am learning how to avoid thinking about certain things, and how to distract myself easily, but sometimes, it just takes me over.
This morning when I woke up, it felt so cold, but it was sunny outside. It brought me straight back to last winter. I had both my little babes with me every morning. We would come down stairs and immediately turn on the heater. I would lay Ruby down in her bouncy seat, and then turn on the cartoons for Kate. Then I would opened up all the blinds. The sun was always shining right into our living room. Ruby loved the sun on her face. I would get breakfast, and meds, and change diapers, and get everyone dressed for the day, and then go upstairs to put Ruby down for a nap. When she was tiny, I would nap her in her bouncy seat. I would swaddle her nice and tight, and then rock her and sing to her, and get her very sleepy and then situate her in the bouncy. I usually put her in the sunshine in my room, and she would fall right to sleep.
It makes my heart hurt so badly to think I use to have a perfect sleeping little Ruby upstairs sleeping away in the sun. Little baby.
I am not quite sure how to get through these holidays. I am not quite sure how to get through time, period. I dread moving forward, because it means she is further behind. I dread staying stuck here, because it is painful, and it hurts, and I know I need to progress and better myself, and look forward to the day I can hold her in my arms again.
It still feels like a dream. A terrible dream that I can't wake up from. I know she is so close to me now, and that helps a lot, but there are moments of complete despair when the reality really hits me. Usually when I go into her room, and see everything untouched by my baby. Her empty crib. Seriously? An empty crib? How is that fair? And then I usually find the peace that I long for flood my heart and mind.
I know where she is. I know she is perfect. I know she is happy. I know she is close to me, and looking after our family. I KNOW I will see her again, and have her for all eternity.
I am trying to feel happiness as the memories flood my mind, and not just feel sadness that they are only a memory now. I need to learn that the sun shining in my windows should be a reminder of the sweet little sunshine that we had in our home and in our lives.
And that she is always here.

I miss my girl.

The foundation and the run have been a good distraction from the pain, but when I step back, and realize why I am busy, why we are starting this, my heart just sinks.

Her blanket doesn't smell like her anymore. There is a closet full of clothes with tags on them that she never got a chance to wear. Her sling is hanging in the coat closet, and hasn't been used in over 3 months. There was a little dust on it, and it made my heart break a little more.
I hate that it has been 3 months since she has been in our home. I hate that her bottles are getting pushed further and further back in the cupboard. I hate that the shelves that use to be hers for medical supplies, now shelve bread, and glass vases from all the flower deliveries, and odds and ends.
Want me to be honest? I just want her back. Everyday is just a struggle. If Kate were not here to pull the covers off me every morning, I would still be in bed. I find myself trying to find ways to keep her alive in our home. I want to talk about her. I want her to be talked about. I want her to still have a place in this family, and play a part.
I am not looking forward to the holidays. I secretly want to just hibernate until February. Last year we were preparing to move into our new house, a house that had room for another baby. I was 8.5 months pregnant. I remember thinking how next year I could not believe we would have a baby crawling and maybe walking around, and a 3 year old on Christmas morning. I was so worried about when Ruby was going to arrive. I was worried if it was too close to Christmas that no one would come to her birthday parties in the years to come. We were worried about tax returns, and insurance. Seriously? It makes me sick to my stomach that I was worried about those kinds of things.
I remember turning into a crazy lady about finishing Ruby's room. I was waddling through the mall, during the busy Christmas rush, looking for the perfect curtains, and shade of pink for her lamp shapes. I wanted it to be done and perfect before she arrived. Looking back now, I know that if I had not done that, her room would have never been finished after she was born. I am so thankful every time I go into her room. It was a perfect nursery for her. I loved rocking her in there, and nursing her, and putting her into beautiful girly outfits. Her room is a little piece of heaven. I feel so peaceful in there.
I miss Ruby. I miss her everyday. I miss her smell, her blue eyes, her smile, and her giggle. I miss holding her, and brushing her hair, and changing her diaper. I miss having two happy girls in my home, and two happy girls that need their mother's attention. Instead of planning a huge event, all I really want to be doing is making baby food, cleaning bottles, singing silly songs, and loving on my girls.
For now, I have the next best thing. I have Kate who needs me more than ever. And I have a great cause to put my extra energy into.
I found this in my photobooth. Forgot all about these pictures. I am inhaling her. I am so glad I did that. Every part of pictures with Ruby are so meaningful now.
I see a tired mom from being up all night. How lucky I was. I remember putting those jammies on her, and they were a little too small, but looked to cute on her.
In her left hand she is holding onto her PICC line. Little stinker always did that. Her right arm is on my shoulder. Makes me cry to think of that little hand just resting on my skin. I also see bright yellow stain on her right arm. Her vitamins were that color, and she had thrown up that morning. The flower on the table? Those are from a trip that Kate and Ruby and I had taken to Lowes together. I see the excersaucer I had gone out to buy just a week before. She went in it twice.

RJF Website

We would like to finally announce The Ruby Jane Foundation website. We are very excited about it. Everything is now in one place! Please check it out, and let us know what you think!


We want to thank Tyler Jorgenson of BIZNINJA for helping us with the website, and to Ashly Lark for the graphics!

*fixed the links!

Run For Ruby!

Just a week or so after our sweet girl passed away, the idea for this run started to turn into a reality. It seemed so far away, and so hard to pull together, but we have done it!

This Run for Ruby has really given us something to work for, and look forward to. It has been a great event to plan, at the same time helping us heal. We are so thrilled that it is getting so close. As her first birthday is getting closer and closer, my heart just aches for my baby. I wish I was planning a first birthday party, and in a way, I feel like I now am.

We wanted so badly to have the run in our hometown. When Ruby was home from the hospital, we were always outside, enjoying our community. We spent a lot of time at the lake, the parks, and walking on the trails. The run will be on a trail (paved) that we walked on with Ruby. It will also pass by our home.

There will be a 5k, and 10k race offered. We are going to have the Red Cross truck be there for those that would like to donate blood. Be the Match will also be there with their kits to screen potential donors for bone marrow. The goal of this annual run is to raise awareness about organ and tissue donation. With the help of our family, friends, and community, we can safe lives.

We are planning on having fun booths, great music, and a fun day celebrating Ruby’s first birthday!

REGISTRATION is now OPEN!

http://www.imathlete.com/events/RunforRuby?z=1320187410691

If you sign up before Saturday, Novemeber 5th, you will be entered into a giveaway for a photography session!

All you need to do is:

1.Register for the race.

2. Share the link on your Facebook.

3. Comment on our RJF Facebook page when you are finished.

If you are unable to run/walk with us, and you would like to volunteer, please let us know!

We can’t wait to see everyone there!

Get running!!!

(I hate running, like a lot...but thinking about my Rubes, keeps me going. If I can do it, YOU can do it!)