Run for Ruby!

 

We have spent the last 6 months planning Ruby's run. Last year it was the perfect thing for us to pour our grief into. When my heart ached, I would sit down and make plans for the run. This year it has been more fun planning it, and making it be a day of celebration. The Run for Ruby comes on her 2nd Birthday this year. I know it will be hard, but I can't think of a better way to spend it. We will have friends and family all together, doing something to make a difference in honor of our girl. 

I realized this morning I haven't posted anything on my blog yet about this year's run, and it is only a week away. 

I know a lot of you do not live near, or are out of state, but we wanted to make sure to let everyone know they are invited. It is January 5th, in Rancho Santa Margarita, CA.  If you are close, please come! We have a 5k, 10k, and a Kids Run. Red Cross will be there doing a blood drive, Be the Match adding people to the bone marrow registery, and of course Donate Life, to register people as organ donors. We have a radio station, AMP 97.1 coming to play music and do giveaways, and we have bounce houses, face painting and an awesome raffle! 

If you live far away, and can't come, you can still participate! If you register as an "Out of State Participant" we will mail you the Run for Ruby T-shirt, the medal, bib number, and some goodies from the bags next week. You can run on your own, or with friends that day, and send us pictures that we can post on our Facebook page on on here! Last year we had about 50 people do this, and it was so fun to see pictures from all over of people running for our Ruby girl. 

Blog readers can use this Promo Code: BLOGREADER to get $10 off registration making the 5k: $30, the 10k: $40 and the kids run only $5.00. Out of State would be $15, but the cut off to register out of state is the 1st. We will then need to mail these out in time for the 5th!

This is our main fundraiser for the year to make sure we can keep putting on our events, and most importantly raise awareness about organ donation, and to help families that are waiting, weeks, months, and even years on end waiting for transplants.

Holding her

The first days were filled with thoughts of Ruby suffering. In the weeks that passed I tried desperately to train my thoughts to skip over those awful days. As the months went on, I was more in control of what I thought about, and what I skipped over. 

 

It had been a long time since I have let myself go to that place. I was laying in bed, trying to go to sleep. I was missing my little baby, and thinking of her sweet face and happy eyes. I remembered that right before she was to be intubated, I asked for a few minutes that we could hold and love on her. Once intubated, it would make it very hard to hold her, and I knew she would be sedated, and sleeping. I figured it would be a little while before we saw her awake again, since she would be intubated through this rough time, and through her transplant and in the days after. 

I remember walking over to the side of her crib, and she reached for me. She had never done that before. She grabbed my fingers and squeezed them. I held her and loved her and she looked so deep into my eyes. The was the last time I saw her awake. That was the last time I held her living.

These memories first came sweet to me, but were then followed with the hours and days after our sweet moments with Ruby. Each flash of a memory felt like a brick dropping onto my chest. One after another, relentlessly. I had not been to this dark place for so long, and I was untrained for the heaviness and hurt that these memories were inflicting on my soul. 

After I could take no more, I asked God to help me. Please take this pain from me, it is just too much. I got out of bed, and walked quickly into her room, thirsty to be reminded of her existence in our home, and in our family during happy times. I curled myself up in her rocking chair, and wrapped myself into one of her blankets and looked around her sweet room. A sticky smudge of Tylenol on her dresser, her clothes from the hospital, still not put away. I could see her in each of the outfits, and it brought happy memorials back into my mind, of dressing her each morning... of laying under the trees at the hospital... and showing her off to the hospital staff. Sometimes, just going off memories alone is not enough. I need to see the physical evidence that she was here. It happened. She was my actual daughter, in the flesh. I cared for her, I touched her, I nursed her, I mothered her. Those things in her room remind me of that. 

After wiping my tears with a burp cloth I kept in the pocket of the rocker, I felt peaceful again. Sometimes going through such a dark and deep grief can leave me feeling closer to Ruby. I am beginning to think it is necessary every so often to just let down my guard to my thoughts and emotions, and let the hurt sink deeply in. It is a good reality check. It puts my perspectives back into place. I reminds me of what is most important, and confirms my testimony of eternal families, and a plan that God has created for my family. I don't like it right now, but I have hope that one day it will become beautiful to me.

Service Project

 If you are local, please come help us!!!



Info for Service Project on Thursday

Date: Tuesday December 6th
Time: 10am-when we are finished!
Where: El Toro Memorial Park
5751 Trabuco Road Lake Forest, CA 92630
What: We will be cleaning, and placing a flower at each of the angel’s places.
Please Bring: Watering can, washcloths or towels, scissors, a potting shovel, and a grocery bag.
This is the perfect project for children to help with. Hope to see you there!

Last year we were in a lot of pain, having lost Ruby only 4 months earlier. We found a lot of comfort in visiting her "place" as we call it, at the El Toro Memorial Park. We also found a lot of peace when we found ourselves doing service as well. When we learned about the Angel of Hope ceremony, we thought it would be the perfect opportunity to spruce up each of the children's markers, and leave a flower for their families as our first official service project for our newly formed Ruby Jane Foundation. Having lost a child, one of the hardest things to deal with is feeling like your child will be forgotten. Some families do not live close enough to visit often, and we wanted them to find their child's place looking beautiful. We hoped that we could lessen the sting of the families coming to visit that night, and help brighten their day knowing that their child is not forgotten, and their “places” were cared for.

Last year was our first year attending Angel of Hope Ceremony, having just become parents of our Angel Baby, Ruby. We were nervous it would be painful and too hard to see so many families in the same position as we were; one family member short. As we pulled into the gates of the cemetery, we were overcome with peace. We saw so many families, just like ours, holding candles, and surrounding the beautiful lit Angel of Hope monument. Losing a child can feel very lonely at times, and that night we realized we were not alone. It gave us the strength we needed to see all of the other families that had made it through such terrible grief and could still function.