This morning, I am feeling robbed. I went to sleep thinking of how to make Ruby's little birthday celebration special on Thursday, and dreamed about it all night. But I woke up thinking about how it will never be what I want it to be, because she is not there. It's all I want. It is all I want for FOREVER.
I look at picture of myself from January-August 12 and I feel sick to my stomach. I look so happy. So content. Even with a very sick child, I am content to have her. To have both my girls in my arms. I wonder, will I ever feel complete joy again? Will I ever be content again? It is like a life sentence, this grief. It is just something I will carry for my whole life, and that is that. But truthfully, if I can't have her, I need to grieve her.
Kate talks about Ruby all day. I am so happy she thinks about her, and wants to talk about her like we do. She often prays, "Please bless us that Ruby can stay." It use to make me so sad to hear those words, and think that Kate didn't understand. But, I really think she does understand, and I like to think she is talking about her spirit that we want to stay with us every minute.
I told Kate yesterday that it was Ruby's birthday next week, and she got so excited and ask, "Will there be cake? I love cake, mama."
I am thankful for my Kate. I am thankful for her innocent and pure little testimony of our forever family. I am thankful for Ruby, and that she has instilled into our hearts everything that is important.

Why

Deciding to open this blog to the public was a very hard choice for me. I wasn't even blogging very often, we were so busy with Ruby and everything going on. One day, I had the strongest feeling that I needed to open it to the public, and I needed to start writing about our journey. I questioned this feeling, and stewed about it for a long while. But, I know that the feeling I had was something that could not be ignored.
Blogging about Ruby was very hard. Being honest about her struggle, and how sick she was, was something that was extremely hard to do, and took a awhile to share more openly. I thought at first that I needed to write to help other families that might go through what we were. I was hungry for a real life account from someone else, that had gone through, what we were. But, I couldn't find it.
As Ruby became more and more ill, it seemed like the reason for blogging changed. Being at the hospital full time with Ruby, and a lot of time alone, left me wanting to vent, and write down my feelings. It became therapy for me. I didn't need to pay for it, I didn't need to leave Ruby for it. It helped.
As people started to learn about Ruby and follow her story, I didn't feel so alone. The comments would come in on my phone throughout the day, and it would give me hope. I also felt like Ruby was giving hope to people who hadn't had it for a long time. I would get emails from people who had never prayed, who had never believed in God, saying that they had started, because of my girl. I felt like it was the only thing I could do, for her. I could write, and I could tell her story, and I could ask people to pray for her. It's all I could do.
I remember a particular day, a month or so before Ruby passed away. We were in the hospital, and she was sleeping in her crib. The thought came to me that I needed to write down my feelings for Ruby, while I could still use the present tense. I instantly thought what a silly thing to think, but I did it. I wrote about her, and I got to use the present tense. Something I didn't get to do for very much longer.
Another day, not much longer, I started writing about my new perspective. I never left Ruby awake in her crib. I was always holding her, playing with her, loving on her when she was awake. But that day, when she woke up, something told me to keep writing. I remember the guilt I felt as I put on a Baby Signing Time for her, and kept typing. That post was something that I needed to write for myself. Being a grieving woman, but also a mother to a 3 year old, I needed that reminder. And still do.
In the end, I believed that the whole reason for my blogging, was because we needed that audience to be able to find her donor. If I had never blogged about her, we couldn't have asked for help. Those final 3 people that showed up, gave us hope, until the last minute. Something that Heavenly Father knew we needed as parents to Ruby.
And now? Sharing how I feel, how I grieve, how I survive? Not fun. If you have been around me in the past 4 months, you know I don't like to talk about how we are REALLY doing. I write a lot. And sometimes I choose to share those feelings on my blog. Every time I do it, I wonder why. Every time, I am reassured by a comment, or email that it helped someone.
It's not fun blogging about this. I don't like it. But, I was asked to do it, and I have. And I really believe that I have been blessed with friends, experiences, and love that I wouldn't have, had I chosen to ignore that prompting that day.
There were a few blogs that I have followed since I became a parent. Each of these mother's had lost a child. I feel in a way, they prepared me. After I lost Ruby, I felt so grateful for these mothers for sharing their feelings and stories.
And now? I hope the more people that can learn about Ruby, the more lives will be touched by her sweet spirit that is so strong that it can be conveyed somehow on these pages.
I hope that her story will continue to inspire, and continue to save lives.

Running for Ruby

January 7th
Santa Margarita Ford
Check in Starts at 7am
10k: 8:30
5k: 8:40

We are really excited for the first Run for Ruby. We would love for everyone to come out and support us, and the Foundation. We are so passionate about raising awareness of organ donation. Register here:
http://www.imathlete.com/events/RunforRuby

We are having a blood drive at the run as well. If you would like to sign up for an appointment, here is the link:
https://www.givelife.org/index.cfm?group=op&step=2&opid=932001

Be the Match, the American Red Cross, and Donate Life will all be there. We are all trying to save lives, and it is so exciting that we can do that in Ruby's honor.

Please come!

I need her.

I want to go back.

Sometimes it is hard to not feel picked on.
Sometimes it just hurts to bad, and so deeply, I wonder how I can keep myself breathing.
I know Ruby is so close to me, but I just yearn for her to be here physically. I want her to burrow her head into my neck. I want to give her a bath. I want her smell, her touch, and her giggle.
I want her back, and I want it so bad, it is hard to fathom that my pain and love are not enough for that to happen right now.
I don't want to be the girl who people look at and feel sorry for. Or the girl people admire because I am holding it together. I rather be the boring mom out in the hall at church with a crazy baby.
I want to be planning a first birthday party and watch my baby enjoy it. I want to be Christmas shopping for two sweet daughters.
I want, I want, I want...
And I don't want to wait. It just seems so far away.
It's not alright. I know it will be alright someday...but today it just isn't ok that she is not here.