The thing about waves is that they continually come in.
Sometimes the sets are huge, and close together, other times they are small and spread out. But they are always there.
I feel like I am standing right on the edge of the water. Sometimes the tides come up, and I feel panicked, and scared. A huge wave hits me, and I am drowning. She is gone, my baby. I have to live a lifetime without her. How will I do this?
Other times, the tide is out a ways, and I see my toes in the damp sand. The pain is there, but not taking me over. I can enjoy the beauty of the ocean, and the small waves that barely reach my feet. She is always mine. Families are forever. I have 7 months worth of precious memories.
Standing at the edge of this vast ocean is something I have never experienced before, but have been preparing for my whole life. I can swim. I won't be swallowed up, even if it feels like it. I have the faith in my Savior and faith in the Plan of Happiness. That gives me the strength that I need to swim when I am drowning, and to enjoy the beauty when I am not.
Do I wish I wasn't standing in this place?
Yes.
But, I know that my Heavenly Father has me just where I should be.
Sometimes the sets are huge, and close together, other times they are small and spread out. But they are always there.
I feel like I am standing right on the edge of the water. Sometimes the tides come up, and I feel panicked, and scared. A huge wave hits me, and I am drowning. She is gone, my baby. I have to live a lifetime without her. How will I do this?
Other times, the tide is out a ways, and I see my toes in the damp sand. The pain is there, but not taking me over. I can enjoy the beauty of the ocean, and the small waves that barely reach my feet. She is always mine. Families are forever. I have 7 months worth of precious memories.
Standing at the edge of this vast ocean is something I have never experienced before, but have been preparing for my whole life. I can swim. I won't be swallowed up, even if it feels like it. I have the faith in my Savior and faith in the Plan of Happiness. That gives me the strength that I need to swim when I am drowning, and to enjoy the beauty when I am not.
Do I wish I wasn't standing in this place?
Yes.
But, I know that my Heavenly Father has me just where I should be.
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52 comments:
I've never posted before, but I just have to tell you that your strength continues to inspire me. I suffered a loss last year, one that has been exhausting for me to get through, but hearing you be honest about your pain and about the waves... it's inspiring! I hope that knowing that your helping others who have felt great loss, helps to heal your heart a little bit. Your precious Ruby touched so many lives, I think about her great example and impact daily. She is truly an angel that was sent here for an enormous mission, that she pulled of with as much grace as anyone could have ever imagined, as you continue to do. Thank you for sharing your story and your strength.
Your words are beautiful and from the heart. You would be amazed to know the lengths Ruby's legacy has traveled thus far. So many people have been touched by her and by you and your truth and honesty. I know that your example has strengthened my testimony so much. Seeing the amount of faith you and Matt have has only inspired me to stand stronger in mine. For that I thank you. Stare out at the waves and admire their beauty and know that sweet Ruby is making them for you. She's always there with you.
Your strength, testimony, and words are absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us.
And what a sweet, sweet picture of the two of you.
<3 to you and your family...
Ani,
I have a friend who recently lost a baby, as well, and she just posted this quote on her blog as something that helps her keep going:
"When the mother is deprived of the pleasure and joy of rearing her babe to manhood or to womanhood in this life, through the hand of death, that privilege will be renewed to her hereafter, and she will enjoy it to a fuller fruition than it would be possible for her to do here. When she does it there, it will be with the certain knowledge that the results will be without failure; whereas here, the results are unknown until after we have passed the test."
-Joseph Smith quoted by Joseph Fielding Smith
I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet little Ruby, but I am amazed by your eternal perspective and your strength. You are in my thoughts and prayers!
Gina
I love that quote from Joseph Smith. I believe that with all my heart. Your reunion is going to be so BIG and sacred someday. I wish you could have her now and then also, though.
You have such amazing strength Ani, I do not know how you do it but it is so amazing. You have a very loved little girl who will always hold a place in your heart, and she is ALWAYS watching down on you and your family, she is now your Angel. I had a friend who recently passed due to a car accident she was only 21. at her funeral they talked about how on headstones they have the year you were born and the year you passed seperated by a dash. The dash stands for how you lived your life so make the best of it. Little Ruby Jane spent the little time she did touching so many peoples lives, and saving many more. Just look how many people are now organ donors because of your little girls story. I understand times are hard as they should be. But find peace in knowing your little girl lived her dash to the fullest and you have so many memories with her. She is in Gods hands now and I pray that my friend who was a nanny is now spending time caring for your precious little Ruby!!! Hang in there you have so many caring people who love you and your family!!
How do you translate you emotions into words like this? You explain your emotions so clearly as you deal with your pain. You are amazing. And you are never alone.
You are so eloquent in describing your grief. And the picture is gorgeous - I can literally feel the love in it. I still think of you and Ruby every day - and I am a better mom because of what the two of you have taught me...I wish you weren't standing in this place as well...hugs to you.
Ani, you will continue. First and foremost because of Kate and Matt. They need you. And the world needs your strength here, until it is time for your family to be whole again!
You are amazing and youe ability to put your feelings into words are wonderful!
I do hope the waves will come more seldom.
Lots and lots of love!
Your words leave my husband and I breathless. We cannot imagine the pain you are going through but your words speak them so loudly that it touches a persons soul. Your faith is inspiring and a constant reminder that our Lord has plans for us. We may not fully understand nor are we supposed to know his greater plan for us but Ruby gives me hope that he has something great in store for you. I tell everyone about that little girl and how she touched my heart so deeply and I didn't even know her but yet I feel I've known her forever.
Many blessings
Heather and Brett and family
Ani, you are a beautiful writer. Ruby story has touched so many because of your ability to convey your experiences. Maybe some day you could write a book about this time in your life. It seems like it would be a great way to raise awareness to Ruby Jane's Foundation, and some money to put towards it too. I know I'd buy it.
so beautiful, ani. tears for the hugeness of your pain and for the hugeness of your faith to match it. xoxo.
I'm a mom to a little boy with a disability. That's been hard for me. Hearing your story & "feeling" your strength through your challenge has helped me find joy in this journey with him - Thank You! Prayers to you that you find the strength you need as well.
That was beautiful and inspiring and it made me cry. Your strength blows me away, though I know you're suffering more than I can fathom. Your sweet Ruby is so loved and so missed by so many...my heart goes out to you.
What a beautiful post Ani. It just amazes me how beautifully you write and how well you are able to convey so much emotion in your posts. And as usual your testimony and faith shine through your grief. You my dear are such an inspiration.
I read your last post "Waves" the other night on my way to bed and have been meaning to comment on it ever since. I wanted to say that I really appreciate your honesty as it helps me to know what to pray for specifically for you. I hope that you can feel our prayers and our love.
Thanks again for continuing to share your Ruby and your heart with all of us.
i cry with you for the little girl you lost and the heartache you have to endure. i know you will see her again.....you will! thank you for sharing your joy, your pain, your faith and your strength. i check in on you periodically. you've both touched and changed so many lives. including mine. your little girl will never be forgotten!
Beautiful post. A very good analogy. I admire that you recognize your purpose in God. We will someday be reunited with our little ones in Heaven. God Bless and may you feel many hugs from your little blessing.
The book "Heaven is for Real" is an excellent book. If you haven't already read it, you should. Absolutely love the picture you poste. I totally agree with the comment above that I can feel the love by looking at the picture. Ruby is missed by a lot of people.
This is a beautiful post.
That was beautiful! I love you Ani! I think about you and your sweet family constantly. My babies still talk about Ruby Jane. I hope they never forget her sweet name.
Beautiful writing. You have a beautiful soul, and I'm praying for you, sister.
EJ, www.thesearemyreasons.blogspot.com
This is one of the most beautiful and descriptive messages I have ever read. Bless you and your family. Our hearts reach out to you and pray for your comfort and faithfulness in trial. You are right you have been preparing for this your whole lives. She is adorable...as is Kate.
Ani, I am sorry. I strive daily to be a better Mom because of your circumstances. Thanks for the inspiration.
Hang in there. I know how overwhelming the pain can be. Here's a wonderful article about grief.
http://www.reviewjournal.com/lvrj_home/2006/Feb-26-Sun-2006/living/5987837.html
Ani, you are amazing. That is the best description of grief. I pray for you all day and every time I am sad. I read in a book about a man's trip to heaven and he was met by family and people that influenced or help his walk with the Lord. Ruby is going to be so busy meeting people that she has helped. You and your family are amazing ! I pray for many blessings in your life . You have had enough heartache now it is time for great blessings!
With love and prayers, Melissa D'Avanzo
I found your blog on my friends blog. My heart goes out to your family. My boys and I have been pray for your family. Your strenght is amazing! Thank you for sharing the story of your sweet little Ruby!
Oh how I love love love that picture. You look so at ease holding her.
You and Ruby have so much in common. You are both wise beyond your years, incredibly brave, and stronger than you think you are. When you feel yourself sinking just know that your girl is watching over you.
I hope with all my heart that waves of peace find you more often than those of sorrow.
We all love you and will hold you up when you feel you just can't find the strength to swim. You aren't alone.
I just happened upon your blog by accident and have read through your every word of your story through a flood of tears. I don't have kids, by choice, because I never wanted to go through anything bad that I couldn't handle. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Your daughters are both beautiful.
I know we don't know each other, but I enjoy reading your blog. You are such a strength to me. I have not lost my baby, but have had many trial with her. I keep wondering what I am supposed to learn from all of them? We have been in and out of hospitals so many times I have lost count, been in the NICU, and have already had 2 big surgeries, and still need another big one and she is almost 10 months old. When I start thinking I am picked on, I just think of you and your family and I find strength to move one. Thank you for sharing your story. I know that through prayer we can get through anything
painfully beautiful and true...thanks for writing ani...
That was a beautiful post. What strength you have!
You are a testimony of what this life is all about. I don't know you, but your story, and little Ruby Jane's, has impacted me deeply and I think about you every day. I've always been grateful for the gospel in my life, and for my eternal family. But through your story, and example, my appreciation has grown in ways that cannot be measured. Please know that my little family is praying for yours, and while we wish this burden was not yours to bear, we are grateful for the grace and strength you have shown throughout. You inspire me to be a better and more patient mother, and most of all to hang on to the precious moments with my girls and forget the little irritations that don't matter. I ache for you, for the pain of losing sweet Ruby. I hope that when the waves come crashing in, you can also feel the love and support of the thousands of people around the world who have been affected by your great example.
I loved this post.
the image of Jesus Christ as our 'lifeguard' out in the stormy sea came into my mind. He can and will save you from drowning when the sets get too big to handle. You are right Ani, you can swim. better than the rest of us. YOU ANI, YOU are OUR swimming coach, teaching us how to swim like you when the waves knock us down.
and we are all grateful for that.
XO.
Beautiful. This is completely true. I'm so sorry you don't have your sweet Ruby in your arms.
My heart is hurting with you, Ani! I have a sweet daughter Reese in Heaven, too.
This life is just a dot.... in eternity!
Beautifully written. Thinking and praying for you & your family.
What a beautiful, precious picture of you and your little angel. Hold on to memories like those from the picture!
this picture makes my heart break again and again. i am so sorry for your loss.
I also came upon your blog by accident, but I'm so grateful I did. I've been reading your posts for about an hour and crying the entire time. I want you to know that I am so touched by your story and by your sweet baby girl. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings during such a difficult time. I've been truly inspired by your thoughts and testimony of Heavenly Father's plan. You've reminded me to cherish the small things and the people that mean the most to me because you never know how long they'll be with you. Even though Ruby was only on this earth for a short time, she touched hundreds of lives, including mine. Thank you. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
So beautiful, Ani. We are always thinking about you guys. Love that little Ruby Jane. Hope to see you soon! You are truly inspiring.
Ani your words are always so lovely. You and Matt are so incredible and inspired thousands through your trial. Now in your grief you continue to strengthen and fortify us all. Love you and continue to pray for all of you.
You are so amazing...your strength and the power of your words and absolutely incredible.
I think of you and Ruby every single day...last night when one of my babies was fussing (twins), I began to get frustrated...then, I thought of Ruby (4am)...I think of her in little moments, and random moments...
I hate that you and Ruby had to lose so much and go through so much to be able to inspire and teach so many...but you surely reached an amazing amount of people in such a short amount of time.
Just wanted you to know youre thought of everyday and that you both have truly touched my life and enriched it through your story and experiences. Thanks for sharing so much with us all.
I found your blog this afternoon and have been overcome with emotion while reading your story. A heartfelt thank you for your sincere and honest words, written with so much love and faith. What a blessing to have the knowledge that your family will be together for eternity. I loved your analogy about the waves. It reminded me of Elder Hollands beautiful talk Broken Things to Mend. The Savior truly is out on those waves with you and your family. He will see you through. http://lds.org/general-conference/2006/04/broken-things-to-mend?lang=eng
May the Savior's love fill your heart with peace and comfort. You'll be in my prayers.
Ani, your baby girl inspired me when I first started reading about your journey together. I started to REALLY pray again, and be more spiritual and go to church and show gratitude for all the good and tough things that we may face in a day. Instead of complaining to God before bed, I thank him. This is all due to you letting us be touched by Ruby. Thank you, may the Lord bless your whole family and may you continue to find seconds, at least seconds, of comfort everyday.
My heart aches for you. What a beautiful family you have. I pray things get easier and you are able to deal with the loss of your beautiful Ruby.
It's been a week since I first read about you and your baby and like so many others, I couldn't stop thinking about Ruby. I've thought about her every single day. So today I came back to say what so many other people have already said. I am so sorry for your loss and pray for you and your family in this difficult time. I am amazed by Ruby's strength and your courage...you and your baby are extraordinary in every way. She is such a gorgeous little girl and she is in a much much better place where she will never again suffer. She was here for a short and rough time, but she has done more good than most people do in a lifetime. I can't imagine how much you're hurting, but it's only a matter of time until you're with her again.
Dear Ani, this is Taylor (Ball) Harrison. I've been looking for your for a while now, and came across a video of you on another blog a few weeks ago. I didn't know your new last name. You entered my prayers after I learned of your sweet girl. Today I came upon your blog. I am sorry to hear of your loss. I'm glad that you take comfort in future reunions. It helps us breathe to trust in such things.
Today, your blog strengthened my ever-interesting and moving testimony. The feeling of waves can be applied to many sorrows. Know that I and many others stand on such sandy beaches around the world. We can't always see one another over the horizon, but know that we are there. And know, more importantly, that He stands on your beach, and in the sky above it, and in the water and in every grain of sand beneath. You already know that. Thank you, and Ruby, for strengthening me today. I hope this note does something to reciprocate a bit of peace. Perhaps all these notes and prayers together can add a bit of beauty to the sunset over your ocean today.
What a beautiful post. Your description of grief is so powerful. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
Beautiful post Ani. You are one amazing woman. You probably don't remember meeting me at your wedding reception but I am Jill Facer's mom. We have been friends with your parents for many years. My heart goes out to you at this time in your life. You are teaching all of us so many things about life and love. I cannot express the sorrow I feel for your loss but love that you are so open and honest about all you are dealing with. Hugs to you!
That picture is so beautiful... My heart aches for you and your family and my thoughts and prayers are with you -xox-
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