My heart is aching.
Usually the aching comes, and I can eventually shake it by distracting myself with something like giving Ruby a bath, or cleaning up her bedding, or painting my nails. But this morning, it just hurts and isn't going away. When I got up this morning and walked over to Ruby I noticed a tiny little scratch by her eye. I got a wipe, and gently tried to get the blood off. But it wouldn't come off. I looked closer, and it seems like it might be like a broken capillary. The first words out of my mouth this morning were, "How much more will this baby need to go through?" It is odd that little things that push my emotions over the edge.
My heart just breaks looking at my poor girl. Her eyes are tired. Her little body is just tired of fighting and not working properly. It is time to get her fixed up. She still has not given up a smile, it has been 8 days now. I couldn't sleep again last night, so I looked at old pictures of Ruby smiling. I am glad I did, because I dreamed of her smiling so big and had that sparkle in her eye again. I am yearning for that day.
It is hard to be always longing for tomorrow. It is hard not being satisfied in today. I don't know how much longer I can watch my poor daughter suffer through this trial. I know it is in His hands, but I sure wish He would hurry up!
I thought writing through my aching heart would relieve it, but looks like I will need to try some chocolate or a good cry.
I'll try the chocolate first!
Usually the aching comes, and I can eventually shake it by distracting myself with something like giving Ruby a bath, or cleaning up her bedding, or painting my nails. But this morning, it just hurts and isn't going away. When I got up this morning and walked over to Ruby I noticed a tiny little scratch by her eye. I got a wipe, and gently tried to get the blood off. But it wouldn't come off. I looked closer, and it seems like it might be like a broken capillary. The first words out of my mouth this morning were, "How much more will this baby need to go through?" It is odd that little things that push my emotions over the edge.
My heart just breaks looking at my poor girl. Her eyes are tired. Her little body is just tired of fighting and not working properly. It is time to get her fixed up. She still has not given up a smile, it has been 8 days now. I couldn't sleep again last night, so I looked at old pictures of Ruby smiling. I am glad I did, because I dreamed of her smiling so big and had that sparkle in her eye again. I am yearning for that day.
It is hard to be always longing for tomorrow. It is hard not being satisfied in today. I don't know how much longer I can watch my poor daughter suffer through this trial. I know it is in His hands, but I sure wish He would hurry up!
I thought writing through my aching heart would relieve it, but looks like I will need to try some chocolate or a good cry.
I'll try the chocolate first!
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20 comments:
Ani,
You dont know me- I'm a friend of a friend, but I have followed your blog for several months now. I have been inspired by your strength and touched by your simple, yet complex testimony of our Savior. Although I do not know the pain you have felt during this trying time, my heart aches for your family. I pray for your sweet girl.
Every morning I wake up and check both Facebook and this blog for one status "she has a new liver."
As a mother of a young baby as well I don't know how you do it day in and day out. All I know is that when Ruby is grown she won't remember any of this. All she'll know is that once upon a time she was sick and her mother took such good care of her.
When I was young (about Ruby's age) I was also very sick and the doctors couldn't diagnose the virus at the time (this was in 1978 mind you). My mother watched in misery as my first birthday rolled around and I was stuck in a hospital and weighed only 14 pounds. The good news...I eventually got better and I have no memory of any of it. All I have are pictures of my mother holding me tight. It turned something tragic for my mother into something cherished for me.
I know it will be the same for you and Ruby :-)
Hope the chocolate cheers you up today!
I too am a friend of a friend and I too check your blog multiple times a day, hoping that a refreshed blog will be up saying that you have a donor. Please know that even though you feel weak, your strength is what keeps this little girl of yours going.... so give her a smile, because even though she isn't smiling back, it's your smiles that keep her going. I'm sending you my strength and praying for you.
I'm so sorry your lovely family is going through such a trial. Please eat all the chocolate you want.
Jaxx
Oh Ani!!! I can only imagine what your heart is going through- I know for sure the pain of seeing your child suffer is like no other pain!! Hang in there- we are all praying for Ruby and your family, and know that all will be well...on His terms...which I know hard hard that can be!! LOVE from AZ!! XOXO
You don't know me either, but I am completely inspired by your strength. I too check your blog in hopes that your little one is doing better...The way you speak and write and blog is truly an inspiration to so many, especially me. I was a better mom today because of your last post...Thank you for keeping your blog open so we all may pray for you and your sweet family. Thank you for being real. Prayers from Florida.
Ani. So hard. So so hard. I am sorry. I hold, play, laugh, read, kiss, sing, listen, feed and tickle my children all the more because of your inspiration. I love you and sweet, sweet Ruby Jane.
Go ahead and take a break, I've eaten chocolate and shed some tears for you. Still praying that something positive happens soon. Kiss those little chubby cheeks for all of us.
In case you didn't take a minute to cry, I'm crying for you. Hang in there, my friend. A shiny, new liver is coming your way soon, I can feel it.
Ani- My heart is aching for you and sweet Ruby. I agree with so many others that your example of love and dedication has pushed me to be a better mother. Every time I kiss my babies I'm thinking of Ruby and sending my love to her. His time is so hard to understand. But someday you will understand. Ruby has touched so many already. She is such an inspiration of the resilience of her spirit.
Hang in there, Ani...we are all thinking good thoughts and sending prayers your way.
Oh ani...I am so sorry. I know I have no idea how difficult this really is but my heart aches for you just thinking about Ruby and hearing how she is doing. We are all crying and praying with you for your Rubes. I hope you are able to see her smile again soon....that its been 8 days is heartbreaking in and of itself.
Oh sweet Ani!! My heart breaks for you and your sweet family when I think of this huge burden that is yours to carry. Prayers and many hugs are being sent your way. I hope you can receive some comfort and peace as your big heart is overloaded with emotion. Much love.<3
This post made my heart hurt. Thousands of people's hearts are aching for you, people you don't know and people you do know who love you and your family so much. And just so you know Kate was hilarious, sweet, cute, smart, and polite today. She told me she had to potty twice and said, "I'm not ready to go yet" when your dad came, but then gave Jenna the sweetetst hug and left. She danced for me and twirled her little blankie and shook her hips, hilarious.
My sweet sister- I would do anything to shoulder some of this pain for you. I thought the same thing when I was there yesterday, holding her... Ruby is tired. I know her new liver is right around the corner. Hang in there sista- those smiles will be back soon. XO
Ansten. You're simply a rock! I put Rubes name in the temple here in SLC. Also praying for you and Matt. You're truly an inspiration to us all. Love you!
Ani - my heart aches for you too... I check your blog frequently, hoping for wonderful news. You and your family are in my prayers, and I'm not always a praying person. Sending well wishes Ruby's way..
Someone gave me this poem when I was going through what seemed like unbearable pain & trials. It has always touched me. I truly have a testimony in the Atonement & its power to heal, both your heart, your family's, and Ruby's little body.
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the King's men
Couldnt put Humpty together again,
But the King can.
I think your tireless efforts to endure this trial and nurture and support little Ruby Jane are monumental! Heavenly Father must be so very pleased with the depth of your love and unfailing strength for His little Ruby. He knew she would need a special mother, and you have shown how very special you really are. I love you, my sweet niece.
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