Update

We have been keeping busy, and we wanted to update everyone!

Service Opportunity in S. CA:
There is an Angel of Hope statue at "Ruby's Place", and every December 6th, there is a candle light service for friends and family of angel children. We will be going that morning and cleaning up the headstone, and leaving a flower for each angel child. It would be a nice surprise for these families when they come to visit that evening to see their child's place looking beautiful. We need a lot of help. This is a great project to bring children to. If you can attend, we will be going on:

Tuesday, December 6th, at 11am.
El Toro Memorial Park, Lake Forest, CA

We are looking for flowers to be donated.
Please bring baby wipes, a grocery bag, and maybe a little broom.
Email me for more information.


Service Opportunity in Utah:
At the Angel of Hope in Ogden, UT, there will also be a candle light service. The cemetery will provide the flowers. It would be very nice to have the headstone looking beautiful here as well.

Tuesday, December 6th
1875 Monroe Boulevard
Ogden, UT

Email me for more info.


Run for Ruby 2012
We have been working away trying to ensure this is a fun day to celebrate Ruby, and to spread the word about organ donation. We would love to see you all there! Registration is open, and just take a minute to do.

January 7th, 2012
Rancho Santa Margarita, CA 92688

http://www.imathlete.com/events/RunforRuby



And to keep up on the latest with the Foundation:

1. Please "like" our Facebook page:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Ruby-Jane-Foundation/163486743725357

2. Visit our website:
http://www.rubyjanefoundation.org/

3. Follow us on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/#!/RubyJFoundation

It's the destination that matters

I use to have my life perfectly planned out. It was a naive life. There was no pain, and no suffering. It was headed down a road that was safe, and pretty, and happy always.
And then real life hit me like a train.

I woke up, and my life was not so naive anymore. There was pain, and suffering. And a lot of it.

It seems like I should be headed down a different road now. It seems like the EXIT for LOST CHILD doesn't exists in this world. On that exit, all painful reminders of my new life do not exist. Target wouldn't have a baby section. There would be no medical shows on TV. The baby toys out at Costco for the holidays would be gone. Everyone would acknowledge my loss. Everyone would know what to say, and how to act. That road, doesn't exist.

I am forced down this same road with a new perspective, nothing else changed, but me. We are traveling with people who are still naive, like I once was. They think big problems are poopie diapers, messy houses, and money. And I can't blame them.

My perfectly planned out life has changed. It's not always safe. The road is unsure and not pleasant at times. But, I am learning that we are all headed in the same direction. That is what I am focused on. Instead of planning out the journey, I am now planning my life for my destination.

My Sunshine

My thoughts are all over this morning. I am learning how to avoid thinking about certain things, and how to distract myself easily, but sometimes, it just takes me over.
This morning when I woke up, it felt so cold, but it was sunny outside. It brought me straight back to last winter. I had both my little babes with me every morning. We would come down stairs and immediately turn on the heater. I would lay Ruby down in her bouncy seat, and then turn on the cartoons for Kate. Then I would opened up all the blinds. The sun was always shining right into our living room. Ruby loved the sun on her face. I would get breakfast, and meds, and change diapers, and get everyone dressed for the day, and then go upstairs to put Ruby down for a nap. When she was tiny, I would nap her in her bouncy seat. I would swaddle her nice and tight, and then rock her and sing to her, and get her very sleepy and then situate her in the bouncy. I usually put her in the sunshine in my room, and she would fall right to sleep.
It makes my heart hurt so badly to think I use to have a perfect sleeping little Ruby upstairs sleeping away in the sun. Little baby.
I am not quite sure how to get through these holidays. I am not quite sure how to get through time, period. I dread moving forward, because it means she is further behind. I dread staying stuck here, because it is painful, and it hurts, and I know I need to progress and better myself, and look forward to the day I can hold her in my arms again.
It still feels like a dream. A terrible dream that I can't wake up from. I know she is so close to me now, and that helps a lot, but there are moments of complete despair when the reality really hits me. Usually when I go into her room, and see everything untouched by my baby. Her empty crib. Seriously? An empty crib? How is that fair? And then I usually find the peace that I long for flood my heart and mind.
I know where she is. I know she is perfect. I know she is happy. I know she is close to me, and looking after our family. I KNOW I will see her again, and have her for all eternity.
I am trying to feel happiness as the memories flood my mind, and not just feel sadness that they are only a memory now. I need to learn that the sun shining in my windows should be a reminder of the sweet little sunshine that we had in our home and in our lives.
And that she is always here.

I miss my girl.

The foundation and the run have been a good distraction from the pain, but when I step back, and realize why I am busy, why we are starting this, my heart just sinks.

Her blanket doesn't smell like her anymore. There is a closet full of clothes with tags on them that she never got a chance to wear. Her sling is hanging in the coat closet, and hasn't been used in over 3 months. There was a little dust on it, and it made my heart break a little more.
I hate that it has been 3 months since she has been in our home. I hate that her bottles are getting pushed further and further back in the cupboard. I hate that the shelves that use to be hers for medical supplies, now shelve bread, and glass vases from all the flower deliveries, and odds and ends.
Want me to be honest? I just want her back. Everyday is just a struggle. If Kate were not here to pull the covers off me every morning, I would still be in bed. I find myself trying to find ways to keep her alive in our home. I want to talk about her. I want her to be talked about. I want her to still have a place in this family, and play a part.
I am not looking forward to the holidays. I secretly want to just hibernate until February. Last year we were preparing to move into our new house, a house that had room for another baby. I was 8.5 months pregnant. I remember thinking how next year I could not believe we would have a baby crawling and maybe walking around, and a 3 year old on Christmas morning. I was so worried about when Ruby was going to arrive. I was worried if it was too close to Christmas that no one would come to her birthday parties in the years to come. We were worried about tax returns, and insurance. Seriously? It makes me sick to my stomach that I was worried about those kinds of things.
I remember turning into a crazy lady about finishing Ruby's room. I was waddling through the mall, during the busy Christmas rush, looking for the perfect curtains, and shade of pink for her lamp shapes. I wanted it to be done and perfect before she arrived. Looking back now, I know that if I had not done that, her room would have never been finished after she was born. I am so thankful every time I go into her room. It was a perfect nursery for her. I loved rocking her in there, and nursing her, and putting her into beautiful girly outfits. Her room is a little piece of heaven. I feel so peaceful in there.
I miss Ruby. I miss her everyday. I miss her smell, her blue eyes, her smile, and her giggle. I miss holding her, and brushing her hair, and changing her diaper. I miss having two happy girls in my home, and two happy girls that need their mother's attention. Instead of planning a huge event, all I really want to be doing is making baby food, cleaning bottles, singing silly songs, and loving on my girls.
For now, I have the next best thing. I have Kate who needs me more than ever. And I have a great cause to put my extra energy into.
I found this in my photobooth. Forgot all about these pictures. I am inhaling her. I am so glad I did that. Every part of pictures with Ruby are so meaningful now.
I see a tired mom from being up all night. How lucky I was. I remember putting those jammies on her, and they were a little too small, but looked to cute on her.
In her left hand she is holding onto her PICC line. Little stinker always did that. Her right arm is on my shoulder. Makes me cry to think of that little hand just resting on my skin. I also see bright yellow stain on her right arm. Her vitamins were that color, and she had thrown up that morning. The flower on the table? Those are from a trip that Kate and Ruby and I had taken to Lowes together. I see the excersaucer I had gone out to buy just a week before. She went in it twice.

RJF Website

We would like to finally announce The Ruby Jane Foundation website. We are very excited about it. Everything is now in one place! Please check it out, and let us know what you think!


We want to thank Tyler Jorgenson of BIZNINJA for helping us with the website, and to Ashly Lark for the graphics!

*fixed the links!

Run For Ruby!

Just a week or so after our sweet girl passed away, the idea for this run started to turn into a reality. It seemed so far away, and so hard to pull together, but we have done it!

This Run for Ruby has really given us something to work for, and look forward to. It has been a great event to plan, at the same time helping us heal. We are so thrilled that it is getting so close. As her first birthday is getting closer and closer, my heart just aches for my baby. I wish I was planning a first birthday party, and in a way, I feel like I now am.

We wanted so badly to have the run in our hometown. When Ruby was home from the hospital, we were always outside, enjoying our community. We spent a lot of time at the lake, the parks, and walking on the trails. The run will be on a trail (paved) that we walked on with Ruby. It will also pass by our home.

There will be a 5k, and 10k race offered. We are going to have the Red Cross truck be there for those that would like to donate blood. Be the Match will also be there with their kits to screen potential donors for bone marrow. The goal of this annual run is to raise awareness about organ and tissue donation. With the help of our family, friends, and community, we can safe lives.

We are planning on having fun booths, great music, and a fun day celebrating Ruby’s first birthday!

REGISTRATION is now OPEN!

http://www.imathlete.com/events/RunforRuby?z=1320187410691

If you sign up before Saturday, Novemeber 5th, you will be entered into a giveaway for a photography session!

All you need to do is:

1.Register for the race.

2. Share the link on your Facebook.

3. Comment on our RJF Facebook page when you are finished.

If you are unable to run/walk with us, and you would like to volunteer, please let us know!

We can’t wait to see everyone there!

Get running!!!

(I hate running, like a lot...but thinking about my Rubes, keeps me going. If I can do it, YOU can do it!)