This morning, I am feeling robbed. I went to sleep thinking of how to make Ruby's little birthday celebration special on Thursday, and dreamed about it all night. But I woke up thinking about how it will never be what I want it to be, because she is not there. It's all I want. It is all I want for FOREVER.
I look at picture of myself from January-August 12 and I feel sick to my stomach. I look so happy. So content. Even with a very sick child, I am content to have her. To have both my girls in my arms. I wonder, will I ever feel complete joy again? Will I ever be content again? It is like a life sentence, this grief. It is just something I will carry for my whole life, and that is that. But truthfully, if I can't have her, I need to grieve her.
Kate talks about Ruby all day. I am so happy she thinks about her, and wants to talk about her like we do. She often prays, "Please bless us that Ruby can stay." It use to make me so sad to hear those words, and think that Kate didn't understand. But, I really think she does understand, and I like to think she is talking about her spirit that we want to stay with us every minute.
I told Kate yesterday that it was Ruby's birthday next week, and she got so excited and ask, "Will there be cake? I love cake, mama."
I am thankful for my Kate. I am thankful for her innocent and pure little testimony of our forever family. I am thankful for Ruby, and that she has instilled into our hearts everything that is important.
I look at picture of myself from January-August 12 and I feel sick to my stomach. I look so happy. So content. Even with a very sick child, I am content to have her. To have both my girls in my arms. I wonder, will I ever feel complete joy again? Will I ever be content again? It is like a life sentence, this grief. It is just something I will carry for my whole life, and that is that. But truthfully, if I can't have her, I need to grieve her.
Kate talks about Ruby all day. I am so happy she thinks about her, and wants to talk about her like we do. She often prays, "Please bless us that Ruby can stay." It use to make me so sad to hear those words, and think that Kate didn't understand. But, I really think she does understand, and I like to think she is talking about her spirit that we want to stay with us every minute.
I told Kate yesterday that it was Ruby's birthday next week, and she got so excited and ask, "Will there be cake? I love cake, mama."
I am thankful for my Kate. I am thankful for her innocent and pure little testimony of our forever family. I am thankful for Ruby, and that she has instilled into our hearts everything that is important.
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23 comments:
Dear Ani,
Thinking of you today and hoping that you and your family are able to feel Ruby's spirit stronger than ever.
Love, Jana
Whenever I read your thoughts about Ruby, I hear the words "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine" run through my mind.
Your pain sounds like agony.
So thankful you have Kate to be a light and to help in continuing to let her Ruby's light shine, shine, shine.
Keep going, Ani.
Ani...every time I go to write a comment I never end up sending it. I never feel like I can adequately put into words what I am trying to convey and then I just give up. But I just wanted to tell you that you are so much stronger then you even realize, and it shows as you post your honest feelings and thoughts. I have four sisters, and would have had one brother however, he passed away when he was about a month old. A lot of little complications at birth that resulted in him returning back to Heavenly Father. I talked to my mom about it the other day, (we would have only been 13 months apart had he lived) and she told me something that I thought I'd share with you. She told me that as she was holding his little hand as he laid in the incubator (she couldn't hold him b/c he was all hooked up to things) and she pleaded with Heavenly Father to let him stay here with her. And than she received this assurance, that she gave him the one thing he came to this Earth for; a body. This life is hard, and sometimes unbearable. But what makes it worth living, is knowing that if we endure it, we will live with the ones we love for FOREVER. Ani, you gave Ruby the one thing she came to this earth for, a body. Like my brother Brennen, she was to precious and pure that she didn't have to endure this life. So all we can do is to endure so that we can see them again. And we will. I admire your strength and, like my mom told me...you take a day at a time and each day will get better and better as you realize its one day closer to seeing them again!
love you and praying for you always.
I am so thankful you have Kate too. She is simply precious.
Ani, you're never far from my thoughts. Still praying for you every day.
Ani, I have been following your blog for sometime now. I wish I could write down words that could help make you feel better but I don't know exactly what those are. I have heard people say that death gets easier to deal with in time. I am sure it is hard to think about moving forward, but you will, not ever forgetting all Ruby's precious memories. I think of Ruby often and she has definitely left an impact on my life.
Oh, momma, it sure is a life sentence isn't it? Grieving is hard work and missing her will always be a part of you. I'm always thinking of you, every day...especially now as you get ready to celebrate this very special day in honor of Ruby!
I can't imagine what it feels like. This pain. You are always in my prayers. You are one of the strongest women I "know".
happy birthday to sweet ruby!! my thoughts and prayers are with u and ur family. i think u are an incredible, strong woman and i know that one day u will hold ruby in ur arms again and see that sweet smile that will melt ur heart all over again. keep faith, and know u are loved!
I keep writing and deleting.... writing and deleting... there is nothing that I can say to bring her back to you and that's all that I want to do.
my evenings are different because of YOU... it used to just be routines, but now it is slower pace and we appreciate the little things more- that aren't so little.
thank you.
Ani...thank you. It does feel like a life sentence. How can we ever let such pain go. I will be thinking about your sweet ruby this coming week. I hope you had some sweet and peaceful moments this Christmas.
Oh Ani, I really wish the pain could somehow go away and it wouldn't be a life sentence for you. I've heard others say it gets easier with time but right now I can only imagine how that seems so impossible.
So glad you have Kate and your hubby and family!
Love and prayers always,
Sarah
I am still praying for you/your family!
My brother passed away in June of this year. He was 19 when he died. December 21, 2011 was his 20th birthday. It was terribly hard day for my family. Living through this has been difficult for all of us. I want to know so badly what I can do for my parents, to help them cope, to help them be happy. Although I know I cannot replace him, and I don't want to, I can help to fill their holes with the joy I have to offer. Reading your blog helps me to understand my mom's point of view. I want to know how she is feeling and sometimes it's so hard for her to express it. You and I share the same religion so it's helpful to see your perspective. I am sorry for your loss. But thank you for sharing. It helps me at least be more confident in sharing my feelings as well.
Ani, you inspire me to live every moment of life. To breath my children in and hug them close. I often think about sweet Ruby. She is special. She has left an imprint on my heart even though we never met. My heart aches in a way only a mother'sheart can and I pray for you often.
xo
Molly
Dear Ani,
I know you have struggled this year. But Ruby will always be in your heart. I know you will continue to create hope for others by having this run.
I hope you have a happy new year. I can only hope that your year is much better then 2011.
Dear Ani,
I appreciate you sharing your innermost feelings and thoughts about your beautiful family and baby girl. Emotional pain can leave deep scars that last much longer than physical pain--but they are all for our learning and experience and you WILL have Ruby again! This life comes with every kind of challenge and heartbreak. I know that as you rely on the healing power of the Savior's atonement you will find peace and comfort and relief from this pain. Ruby is waiting for the rest of her family to join her with Heavenly Father. She is in a state of peace and joy right now and it would pain her to know how much you are suffering. Take joy in the daughter you have now, your husband, and the knowledge that you will all be with Ruby again as the forever family that you are. You will find joy! You will find peace, contentment, and assurance because the Plan of Salvation provides all those blessings and more! Know that good things lie in store for you.
Love, Chrissy
I happened to visit the Mormon Temple in Laie with my mom and newborn son and we walked through an exhibit (for lack of a better word) emphasizing family and that families are forever. It really stuck with me and of course I bawled like a baby. Less than six months later he died unexpectedly. I am so thankful I went with my mom that day. It makes me less sad that he's passed because I know I'll see him again too.
Hugs to you and Happy Birthday to your little Ruby!
It was my dad that died.
I just found your blog yesterday by some random occurrence and your family has been in my thoughts and prayers since. I too have a 3 year old and a now 8 month old daughter and I am brought to tears every time I see little Ruby's face. What an inspiration to us all. I'll never truly understand why God gives and takes away but some day you will see her again and until that day try to find comfort in the family you have on this Earth. Much love to you all and big hugs and kisses go up to little Ruby. Happy Birthday angel.
I don't know if this will make you feel better but my friend wanted to share her story with you. She lost her little brother when she was six so she knows the grief a family feels at such a huge loss. But when she read your blog she said how good it was that you were allowing Kate to share in your grief, that you both were getting through it together. Her mother shut everyone out and refused to talk about the loss so my friend grew up thinking that the only way she too would be special to her mother was if she died. Their loss split their family into pieces while it seems your family is drawing closer together. So much healthier for each of you.
Jaxx
Thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts. Reading your blog has strengthened me knowing that I can work through the hard things in life. When I read your words I am reminded what is important and for that I am so thankful.
I think about your baby when I kiss mine. She is a beauty. When you're feeling overcome, I hope you hold to Kate's pure testimony, she knows it in a way we, as adults, fight to hold onto. My thoughts are with you.
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