I want to go back.
Sometimes it is hard to not feel picked on.
Sometimes it just hurts to bad, and so deeply, I wonder how I can keep myself breathing.
I know Ruby is so close to me, but I just yearn for her to be here physically. I want her to burrow her head into my neck. I want to give her a bath. I want her smell, her touch, and her giggle.
I want her back, and I want it so bad, it is hard to fathom that my pain and love are not enough for that to happen right now.
I don't want to be the girl who people look at and feel sorry for. Or the girl people admire because I am holding it together. I rather be the boring mom out in the hall at church with a crazy baby.
I want to be planning a first birthday party and watch my baby enjoy it. I want to be Christmas shopping for two sweet daughters.
I want, I want, I want...
And I don't want to wait. It just seems so far away.
It's not alright. I know it will be alright someday...but today it just isn't ok that she is not here.
Sometimes it is hard to not feel picked on.
Sometimes it just hurts to bad, and so deeply, I wonder how I can keep myself breathing.
I know Ruby is so close to me, but I just yearn for her to be here physically. I want her to burrow her head into my neck. I want to give her a bath. I want her smell, her touch, and her giggle.
I want her back, and I want it so bad, it is hard to fathom that my pain and love are not enough for that to happen right now.
I don't want to be the girl who people look at and feel sorry for. Or the girl people admire because I am holding it together. I rather be the boring mom out in the hall at church with a crazy baby.
I want to be planning a first birthday party and watch my baby enjoy it. I want to be Christmas shopping for two sweet daughters.
I want, I want, I want...
And I don't want to wait. It just seems so far away.
It's not alright. I know it will be alright someday...but today it just isn't ok that she is not here.
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28 comments:
Dear Ani,
There is probably nothing I can say that hasn't already been said and even if there was, it certainly wouldn't take your pain away. But I wanted to comment anyway, to let you know that not a day goes by that I don't think of you and ache for the hole that is in your heart. I wish I could ease your burden and rewind time for you. I hope it's not strange to say that I hold you and your family close to my heart.
As I have tears streaming down my face right now, all I can say to you is that i love you. You have profoundly changed my life.
Sending you my love. I gave the lesson in Young Womens this past Sunday and the topic was "Preparing for Change". I brought Ruby's picture and read your "Waves" blog post. There was not a dry eye in the room. We love Ruby and wish she were physically here for you to hold and love on. Til that day, we will hold her in our hearts.
You are in my prayers. Hang in there. He is with her, and she is with you.
It isn't ok and it is so unbelievable to even begin to comprehend. I ache for you sweet Ani. I also have faith that some day you will be healed. Please continue to ache and go through what you need to right now. Those of us who are in a season of strength will use our faith to help make you whole once again.
As it was said earlier there is nothing I can say to make it better just know my heart aches for you tremendously and I pray for you daily, I look at your sweet babies pic I have ganging by my front door and I pray and so do my children. God bless you guys
I wish you could have all that you want. I don't know you personally, but I think about you and Ruby every. single. day. My heart goes out to you.
It's just not right. And it's ok that you are not feeling strong - how could you be? I can't imagine how your arms ache for her. Thinking of you...
Thanks for sharing your story. My baby girl is currently waiting for a heart transplant to save her life. I would never wish for anyone to ever experience this situation, but sometimes it's nice to know you're not alone in the boat from Hell!
my heart still breaks for you!
I cry for you. I pray for you. I want for you too. I really wish that there was more I could do.
Thinking about you and praying for you daily.
I found your blog and sweet Ruby's story tonight. There is probably nothing I can to help, but I am so very sorry for you and your family. 9 1/2 years ago we lost our 2. 1/2 mth old daughter while she was waiting for a heart transplant. It's not alright, but the best counsel I got was from a fellow angel mother who looked me straight in the eye and assured me 'you will be happy again.'. So simple, but currently seemingly impossible.
Thoughts, love and prayers.
I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way but I just wanted to say that I totally get the "I want... and I don't want to wait" feeling. I remember when I was single (I got married 2 weeks before turning 31) people would always say "it's ok or don't worry, you will get married someday... That should give you hope". It was always so hard to explain to people (and most times I didn't even bother trying) that just because I had faith I would one day (in this life ior the next) get married it didn't help the loneliness and suffering and want in my heart that I experienced every single day. People would also always say "it will all be worth it and someday you will look back and say it was all worth it". Am I grateful for the man I married and that I married him, yes but do I wish I could have met him 10 yrs earlier and that I wouldn't have had to endure the loneliness and suffering of heartbreak after heartbreak during all my single years, heck yes. again I am not saying being single is the same as losing a child...not in the slightest. I guess what I'm trying to say is I understand and agree with you. She is your baby girl and you want her with you and need her with you now. And just because you know you will see her again doesn't mean it takes away the daily heartache you feel of not having her with you right now.
I so wish that the separation didn't have to be so long for you... I'm sure it seems like an eternity you will have to wait and so many days to get through... So many many heartbreaking days. I really can't imagine. But I can pray, so that's what I will continue to do.
I'm aching for you.
You are one of the stongest women I have the fortune of "knowing". Prayers and hugs on this day.
Ani, it isn't fair at all. You are absolutely right. Keep writing. It will be part of what saves you.
Much love!
EJ, www.thesearemyreasons.blogspot.com
It is so not right and so not fair. I would definitely feel picked on. I am so sorry you have to go through this and I wish that you didn't. That you could be just blissfully ignorant to the pain that people go through. I hate that this life is not fair and that the waiting part is so long because I am sure each day is a struggle. I know it will be worth it someday, but I wish for your sake that it was today!
Hang in there, it will get better with time.
Let it out! And, know we pray for you.
you're strong, it will be okay.
so sorry, dear ani.
I know how you feel.
I know, my baby. There will be joy again, in a different way, and in time...
i thought of you as I read this blog of another grieving mother. http://sunshinepromises.blogspot.com/
Ani...I have cried as hard as you have, I have felt those exact feelings...I have "lost" both my daughters...don't know where they are, whom their with, how they look, what their doing, or if I'll ever hear their voices again. Why did you have to have her for so little a time, and I long enough to do all the hard work and yearn for the good times only to go without? I'm twice your age and have been without my girls for twice as long as you've been without your sweet daughter and I'm STILL trying to recall the smell at the top of their heads, recall the touch of their hands, and the giggle in their laughter. You know where Ruby is...whom she's with, what she's doing, and what she probably looks like doing it. Hold on to that much. Hold on for now. Hold on for the rest of your sweet family. I'll pray for you and yours and we'll endure until the end.
So much love & prayers being sent your way, Ani. Your grace & strength inspire me beyond words.
Lots of love and prayers for you. My son Noah passed away on October 8th 2011 and my husband passed away on January 26th, 2012. I know how much it feels for it to not be okay. Thinking of you all. xxx
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