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| Lola Bloom, 7 months old |
Milestones. They are always there. They haunt. They creep up, they linger, and sometimes they scream in your face.
I have been dreading this milestone for a long time, even before I was pregnant with Lola. Lola is older than Ruby was when she passed away at 7 months and 1 week. It might sound silly and insignificant, but I thought about that date creeping up on us a lot. The anticipation of these dates are usually harder than the actual day.
The past couple of months as Lola has reached the size that Ruby was, I would be bathing her, or changing her diaper, or lotioning up her little sturdy body, and my heart would just break. I would look at her perfect tiny body and without any warning I would have flashbacks of Ruby's precious little body. When I think of all that she went through physically at such a young age, I just want to curl up into a little ball and cry. Ruby has been gone for 2 and half years, and sometimes she seems larger than life. Does that make sense? So when I really look at Lola, and think that Ruby was here just like Lola is now, and she was as small as Lola is, and went through so much. It makes my mama's heart break over and over again.
When we woke up to Lola's 7 month, 1 week, and 1 day birthday, I felt gratitude. It was an unexpected emotion. I was bracing myself for fear, for regret, for longing and pain, but it was just gratitude. That day was a day I never got with Ruby. It is a blessing that we have our Lola. WE KNOW how precious each day is. So the fact that we had this extra day with Lola that we missed with Ruby, was a big deal for me.
We went to Disneyland as a family. We had fun together, watched the fireworks, and thought a lot about our 2nd little daughter that we wished was there.
We have been through the first of a lot of things now, and that feels like a big accomplishment in our grief. We survived the first holidays, birthday, angel day, the birth of a new baby, and this new milestone.
Every day I miss Ruby, and every day I look at Kate and Lola and know just how lucky I am to have them here with me.
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12 comments:
This may be one of your most articulate, touching posts ever. Definitely one of my favorites. So grateful for all three of your beautiful blessings and your different relationships with each of them. Love you!
I love you sweet mama! I loved you the moment you walked out my door telling me you didn't do puke... Brandon and I laughed and laughed thinking, wait until she is a mom.... Sweet lady, you can do a hell of a lot more than puke. You can do what not one of us wants to even imagine, and you have done it with such grace and such dignity. I am continually amazed by you and at you. Nothing more to say... except that you and your darling Matt make dang cute babies!! xoxo
I miss you!!
Lola is stunning, just like her big sisters! Your example and lessons shared through your journey continue to inspire me toward being a better mother and woman. Thank you for continuing to open your heart publicly!
Lola is beautiful.
I miss your blog voice..I love reading and catching up with your family..you are truly amazing Ani your faith and strength inspire me...I think about your Ruby very often as if she were apart of my family...I love the Taylor family and thank you for allowing us to travel this journey with you..,god bless you all
You have three beautiful girls. Thanks for sharing so much with the blog world. You are an inspiration.
Inspiring! Your story, your truth, your courage and even your pain is inspiring to so many. You are such a wonderful writer, you help us, the reader, understand where you're coming from. Thank you for sharing Lola with us. Thank you for your honesty. Keep remembering Ruby, and keep enjoying the love and laughter of those two beautiful girls every day! Take care!
And she is a DOLL!
Glad you made it emotionally...that must be hard.
She is absolutely gorgeous. Your story is so inspiring...I can't thank you enough for sharing with us. I still wear my Ruby bracelet everyday :)
What a beautiful gift to find your sweet words here this morning. You truly are an amazing light for all of us. I know you will always miss your Ruby, but I am so proud of you every time I read about the way you are always moving forward one step at a time. Your example is a blessing. Love to you! <3
She is adorable!
Your words are exact. You're so blessed.
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