Looking back at my photos from July 18th, I can tell it was a good day. There are pictures of Kate dressed up in princess clothes, Ruby taking cat naps, and sisters watching cartoons together.
I appreciated those days to the fullest. I felt SO lucky to be home. I felt so lucky to care for Ruby at home. I felt so thankful to be with Kate full time. I was soaking in my life.
I remember that night very clearly. I was exhausted from that day. Caring for Rubes at home was a lot of work for me. Being home meant I had all the medical things to worry about, on top of being a mommy to Kate and Ruby. And a wife to my Matt. And keeping the house clean, and dinner made. It was a lot. I remember walking down the hall to check on the girls before I fell into bed that night. I checked on Kate first.
I took this photo:
And then I slipped into Ruby's room and took this photo:
I will never forget the feeling of complete contentment I felt as I walked back down the hall into my room. I know I must have had a smile on my face. I just felt so lucky. And so proud to be a mother to my daughters. It was such a moment of intense feelings, that I knew I would never forget it.
It was one of the last nights that Ruby spent in our home.
Each night after I check on Kate, I still go into Ruby's room. I usually look into her crib, and imagine her laying there, like she was not too long ago. As I walk down the hall to my room, I remember the night I felt so content. I have a gaping hole in my heart where I know contentment should reside. But, what hasn't changed is how proud and lucky I am to have been chosen as a mother to my two beautiful daughters.
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19 comments:
Came across your blog for the first time and I sobbed and sobbed for you. My baby girl is 7 months and 10 days old today. My heart is broken for you and your family, but I am inspired by your story and hope you know that you ARE making a difference. Your daughter's life means something to me, even if I never knew her. What an angel she is! Prayers are with you..
I registered to be an organ donor today.
Beautiful.
I am so grateful that you have shared your life and your precious Ruby with us. It must be hard to do this, and I just want you to know that all of your posts have touched my heart, and even though I'm not yet a mom, it has made me want to be a better daughter, sister, friend, so that someday I can be as wonderful a mom to my kids as you are to your beautiful daughters.
Thank you, sending love your way.
Over the last few days I think I have read almost every entry on your blogroll. I admire your dedication to your sweet little blog- please know that I am touched to have heard your story, as are so many others. I send your family loving thoughts to encourage your healing. Bless you.
You are such an amazing mom and person. I too just recently came across your blog and I too have read every post. I cried, I laughed and I felt the spirit strongly. Thank you for sharing your Ruby and your family. You are so inspiring. I too feel complete content after checking on my boys late at night before I retire to bed. Your children are beautiful and so lucky to have amazing parents. I wish you blessings of comfort when they are needed most and may your faith help you to heal and your knowledge bring you hope, love and understanding. I am so thankful for your message and finally checking yes to organ donation.
The day I read your blog for the first time, was a day I really NEEDED it. A room got flooded, the house was a wreck, I was a wee bit grouchy. I cried and cried as I read your thoughts and feelings about your time with Ruby and your anguish at losing her. I appreciate you reminding me that all the little things in life that can bring you down, are so trivial. I thank you for sharing your story and pray your heart will be healed and you will continue to find peace. You have a beautiful eternal family!
what warriors you are! i learned of ruby's story today and what a gift she is to the entire world. i cannot thank you enough for doing what you are doing, your passion is a beautiful thing and truly is making a difference.
i was born with a rare disease called cystinosis, that occurs about 1 in every 200,000 births. part of the disease is renal failure and although a kidney transplant does not cure my condition, i was so lucky to have my mother as my donor. i don't know when or if i will need another kidney, but the work you are doing is so important. bless you.
love & light.
xo.
Hi, came across your blog yesterday and just had to read from the beginning. What a beautiful family you have. Your little girl Ruby was amazing.
Sending lots of love your way x
I have read your blog for a while and it is truly inspiring. You have a beautiful way of uplifting everyone who reads your blog. Today while at church on Mother's day your "Perspective" post was read during a talk and I know that people were touched by the spirit through your words, so thank you. I hope you have a wonderful mother's day.
Love this Ani. And you were chosen to be their mother because you are exactly what and who they both need!
I don't think I will ever understand why we get the trials that we face in our life. I only know that from the trials I have had to face they have made me a stronger. Hugs to you.
i've been reading your blog for 10 months now. since i first heard about ruby. and every time i read a post--there's this yearning in my heart. it's like i'm begging my heavenly father to make the outcome different. when you talk about being there with kate and ruby--i find myself really believing if i close my eyes hard enough and have enough faith that the outcome is different. that ruby gets a liver and you go on to have this miraculous organ donation story.
and yet the outcome is always the same. it's an outcome i know but i try to forget. and i get a hole in my heart and the tears start to flow and i'm overcome with this sadness for you and what you have lost and what you continue to lose every day that you don't have your baby with you.
and then in my own grief for ruby, a child i don't KNOW i find you lifting me up in to faith through your testimony. i'm so inspired by you every post and every word. i love you ani. i pray for you. always.
thank you for the reminder of cherishing every moment. thank you thank you. i admire your insight and grace.
I love you. So grateful you are my friend and so inspired by you all of the time. You might make me cry a lot, but that is ok :) Love you and your girls and your family. You guys are so special.
Still think of your family and sweet Ruby often. But sometimes it is not often enough. Thanks for posting this on FB today. I needed the gentle reminder.
*tears* knowing Ruby's story makes me squeeze my little boys a little tighter. such an inspiration. what a beautiful post
-megan wright
I'm lying here in bed reading sobbing, I know it's silly. I honestly don't know the pain your heart feels but I do know that at this moment my heartaches for you still. Everyday I look at your beautiful angel & seeing her picture makes me smile!! Thank you for being so inspiring Rube Jane, I wish I would have had the opportunity to meet you!
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