We had just pulled into the garage after a long busy day. The sun was just about to say "goodnight" as Kate would say. As Matt unbuckled Kate from her carseat, I made my way into the house, empty handed. Like a ton of bricks had just been dropped on my heart, I fell into pieces.
My mind quickly realized that I should be caring a sleepy Ruby into the house. I should be walking up the stairs, into her nursery and changing her into some cute jammies, and then putting her into her crib. It has been 9 months since I have done that, but it just seemed that night that she was so obviously missing from our family routine.
There have been times when I have felt her presence really strong. The temple is one of those places. It has happened a few times. My heart practically leaps with joy, and I want to just stay there forever. At the Run for Ruby, when Matt, Kate and I were just about to finish, I knew she was there with us. At my nephews baptism, I was practically looking around the room, I was so sure I would see her, because I felt her so strongly.
Last night we went to the park across the street at 9, way passed bedtime, because Kate wanted to play with Daddy. She has just been gifted a fancy light-up bouncy ball, and wanted try it out in the dark. Even with bare-feet on the cold wet grass, she giggled as she chased and threw her ball in her jammies. I jumped on Matt's back, and he took off running with me. We were all laughing, the stars were out, and I thought, this is pretty close to perfect....if we just had Ruby here. And then the thought quickly came to me, "Of course she is here, she wouldn't want to miss out on this fun family memory."And I was ok. I felt like I was ok to have fun, and not feel guilty of sad that she was not there. Because she was, I just knew it.
I think a lot of the times we are missing her the most, she is probably near us. I find a lot of comfort in thinking that she is a very active participant in our family still. I wish I could feel her more often. I wish I was more sensitive to feeling when she was close. I am learning that even though I might not feel her close, she is here.
My mind quickly realized that I should be caring a sleepy Ruby into the house. I should be walking up the stairs, into her nursery and changing her into some cute jammies, and then putting her into her crib. It has been 9 months since I have done that, but it just seemed that night that she was so obviously missing from our family routine.
There have been times when I have felt her presence really strong. The temple is one of those places. It has happened a few times. My heart practically leaps with joy, and I want to just stay there forever. At the Run for Ruby, when Matt, Kate and I were just about to finish, I knew she was there with us. At my nephews baptism, I was practically looking around the room, I was so sure I would see her, because I felt her so strongly.
Last night we went to the park across the street at 9, way passed bedtime, because Kate wanted to play with Daddy. She has just been gifted a fancy light-up bouncy ball, and wanted try it out in the dark. Even with bare-feet on the cold wet grass, she giggled as she chased and threw her ball in her jammies. I jumped on Matt's back, and he took off running with me. We were all laughing, the stars were out, and I thought, this is pretty close to perfect....if we just had Ruby here. And then the thought quickly came to me, "Of course she is here, she wouldn't want to miss out on this fun family memory."And I was ok. I felt like I was ok to have fun, and not feel guilty of sad that she was not there. Because she was, I just knew it.
I think a lot of the times we are missing her the most, she is probably near us. I find a lot of comfort in thinking that she is a very active participant in our family still. I wish I could feel her more often. I wish I was more sensitive to feeling when she was close. I am learning that even though I might not feel her close, she is here.
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19 comments:
She is there and close but my heart goes out to you in those moments, the heavy ones. They weigh on the heart. I lost my mom(my closest friend) recently and feel the same way so many times. I'm glad you are enjoying those beautiful family moments. I look at the sweet picture of Ruby daily and pray for your family.
She is there and close but my heart goes out to you in those moments, the heavy ones. They weigh on the heart. I lost my mom(my closest friend) recently and feel the same way so many times. I'm glad you are enjoying those beautiful family moments. I look at the sweet picture of Ruby daily and pray for your family.
I know she's with you. All the time. Hugs
I love this.
Stay close Ruby!!!
I read your blog every time you post and I always am amazed at just how strong you really are, even if you don't feel it. Doing that run for Ruby and every other little thing you do it just amazes me. But this post, this is one that has truly brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for what you are going through and just know that you are right, she is there with you every second of every day.
I can't imagine the hole you feel. She is close, she is with you. But in some moments, it must not feel like enough. You are amazing. So is your family. Kate is adorable in this picture:).
Oh! I loved this post. Last night sounds magical and I'm sure she was there with you. My heart started pounding when I read the part about you feeling her presence in the temple. It's an amazing place and I"ve felt my dad there many times. It's something nobody can describe until they go through it. You are an amazing, strong woman and you and your family are a perfect example of how families should act and feel together.
Since my brother passed away almost 11 months ago my Mom and I have talked about that a lot. Where he is, what he's doing, how he's participating. We all feel his presence, especially when we are together. And if not - we pray he's there and that he gets to enjoy it with us. My mom had an experience where he told her that he can't be with her all the time anymore, he has other people to viist and other things that he has to do. However, he could be with her whenever she was in the temple or when she really needed him, he would be there. He has stayed true to his word. They don't leave us alone. They love and miss us too. I'm sorry for your loss, but this post helps to solidify my testimony that life is eternal.
A few weeks ago in church our speaker was talking about the things she had learned from recent deaths of her parents. She said she learned how close spirits really are to our world. How it only takes a small moment for someone to slip from this world to the next, the spirit world is THAT close. I wish Ruby was in your arms, but I'm glad that your getting moments that you can feel her presence and love. I'm sure she so so proud of you and what you are accomplishing (I'm proud of you and I don't even know you!).
What a fun night laughing and playing in the dark, and feeling Ruby close :)
I think my most favorite part is to hear that you feel that it is ok for you to have fun and not feel sad!!!! I am so glad for that! Also that you feel Ruby near you, im glad you are healing! <3
I agree with everyone else, I am sure she is with you far more than we could ever know! I wish she could be with you physically right now, but I am so glad to hear you had fun. I know she would love that and she definitely wouldn't want to miss out. You are so incredible, thank you for sharing your life!
Good perspective Ani. Thanks for sharing.
I read your posts & it is like reading my mind from 6 years ago.. when we lost a newborn baby girl, Lily.. we have had 2 boys since& I feel strongly that Lily helped God pick them out. They talk about her like they know her,& I often tell them that God & Lily just new I needed a Leo & a Max. :) You will think about Ruby every day, she is a piece of you, but I promise, it will get less raw & you will continually grant yourself permisson to feel happy more & more. Ruby would want that. Thank you for making your blog public.. you & Ruby are helping many by doing so.
~ Susie from SD
Kate is so beautiful. Ruby is perfect. You are blessed. I am so glad that Ruby stays close by... I love it when you said "of course she is here, she wouldn't want to miss out..." I completely agree.
What a beautiful thought... It's kind of like how the sun is always there even though sometimes we can't feel its warmth because of clouds, but it is still always there. Your Ruby Jane is always there with you and your family!
Dear Ani,
I had a long drive home tonight and my thoughts turned to you and your family. You and Ruby have been on my mind a lot this week. Just wanted you to know that.
families are forever. it is such a beautiful thing.
Hi Ani. I am sure you don't remember me. My name is Jessica Epson (or Macias from the college days) I am Jamie's college roommate and I was friends with Matt in college as well. We met at Jamie's wedding I think.
But I just wanted to let you know how amazing I think you are! I am so inspired by the mother you are and what an amazing daughter of God you are! I have a little boy who is a year old and it is truly the best gift our Father in Heaven can give us, is to serve as Mothers.
Thank you for your post and sharing your beautiful testimony of eternal families. You have a beautiful ETERNAL family. Thank you!
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