Everywhere I turn, I am reminded that she is gone. I can't escape the constant reminders.
When I am vacuuming, I get to the spot where her swing was, or her bouncy seat, and my heart breaks.
I was cleaning out my pantry last week. In the back of one of the lower shelves, I found all her baby food, and puffs I had bought before she was even born. I was so excited for her to come to our family. Bananas were her favorite, so kept one in the cardboard, it just felt right.
Every night when we tuck Kate into bed, my stomach is just doing flips. I use to have two kids to tuck into bed. I use to nurse Ruby and get her into her jammies, and rock and sing her to sleep, while Matt got Kate all ready. Then we would have family prayer together, and Kate and Ruby would snuggle for a little while. It is just so obvious that she is not there.
Doing the laundry is strange. Ruby went through a lot of outfits in a day. The amount of laundry is so much smaller, and a lot less pink. I miss folding those tiny onesies.
Kate started preschool. When I signed her up 6+ months ago, I was excited to have that one on one time with just Ruby. Every time I get into my car after dropping Kate off, my car seems SO empty. I think, "What am I suppose to do now?" That is always the moment when it is very obvious that my life is not what I thought it was going to be.
Family outings are getting hard for me. Kate always declares, "Family HUG!" or says, "the whole family!" And my breath catches. It feels strange to be able to be out all day, and not worry about naps or bottles, or TPN, or meds. I WISH we had those things to worry about. Being spontaneous is not very fun anymore.
I know she is with us in spirit. I really think that she is around us all of the time, and participating in things we do, and making memories right along side us. BUT, I want her there physically as well. I want her in my arms. I want to be busy and stressed out, and tired and have spit up in my hair.
I see mothers everyday that look so upset and unhappy.
Do you know how lucky you are to have spit up in your hair? Do you know how lucky you are to have TWO crying babies in your cart? Do you know how lucky you are that you get to buy diapers? Do you know how lucky you are to have circles under your eyes from being up all night with your baby, and not from crying all night from missing your baby? Do you know how lucky you are that you get to nurse your baby? It takes everything in me not to walk up to mother's and just make sure they know!
Even though Ruby was just a baby, she had such a big place in our lives. I like that. I like that there are reminders around our home of her. It is painful, but it helps me feel like she really was and IS a part of our family.
When I am vacuuming, I get to the spot where her swing was, or her bouncy seat, and my heart breaks.
I was cleaning out my pantry last week. In the back of one of the lower shelves, I found all her baby food, and puffs I had bought before she was even born. I was so excited for her to come to our family. Bananas were her favorite, so kept one in the cardboard, it just felt right.
Every night when we tuck Kate into bed, my stomach is just doing flips. I use to have two kids to tuck into bed. I use to nurse Ruby and get her into her jammies, and rock and sing her to sleep, while Matt got Kate all ready. Then we would have family prayer together, and Kate and Ruby would snuggle for a little while. It is just so obvious that she is not there.
Doing the laundry is strange. Ruby went through a lot of outfits in a day. The amount of laundry is so much smaller, and a lot less pink. I miss folding those tiny onesies.
Kate started preschool. When I signed her up 6+ months ago, I was excited to have that one on one time with just Ruby. Every time I get into my car after dropping Kate off, my car seems SO empty. I think, "What am I suppose to do now?" That is always the moment when it is very obvious that my life is not what I thought it was going to be.
Family outings are getting hard for me. Kate always declares, "Family HUG!" or says, "the whole family!" And my breath catches. It feels strange to be able to be out all day, and not worry about naps or bottles, or TPN, or meds. I WISH we had those things to worry about. Being spontaneous is not very fun anymore.
I know she is with us in spirit. I really think that she is around us all of the time, and participating in things we do, and making memories right along side us. BUT, I want her there physically as well. I want her in my arms. I want to be busy and stressed out, and tired and have spit up in my hair.
I see mothers everyday that look so upset and unhappy.
Do you know how lucky you are to have spit up in your hair? Do you know how lucky you are to have TWO crying babies in your cart? Do you know how lucky you are that you get to buy diapers? Do you know how lucky you are to have circles under your eyes from being up all night with your baby, and not from crying all night from missing your baby? Do you know how lucky you are that you get to nurse your baby? It takes everything in me not to walk up to mother's and just make sure they know!
Even though Ruby was just a baby, she had such a big place in our lives. I like that. I like that there are reminders around our home of her. It is painful, but it helps me feel like she really was and IS a part of our family.
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46 comments:
i just appreciated my baby girl that much more. and i seriously didnt know i could love her more, thank you. ruby has left a legacy and what an amazing mother you are still, kate is adorable, keep on taking care of her. you're being watched :)
Thank you for the reminder. Ruby Jane is an angel & reminder of love to so many. You have a special connection to heaven. She is a beautiful girl. My heart & prayers go out to you.
Ani, I will never know just how lucky I am. You do remind me though, and I treasure motherhood so much more because of you. THANK YOU!
I'm so sorry you have to experience this. I didn't realize right after we lost Preslee that I would subconsciously make a mess where all of her toys used to be in our front room. Usually with my books and school work, but my husband clued in on it, and one day while I was gone, he rearranged the furniture. Not only in the front room, but in the kitchen as well. It made it not look so "bare" where her high chair and toys used to sit.
I also know the feeling, when you want to go up to someone in the store and just tell them to love their kids, even if they are screaming and throwing tantrums. Hang in there.
Love,
Ashley
Ani, despite being in so much pain, thank you for continuing to make posts. As you have in the past, today you have helped me remember to just chill out and be grateful for what I have. I was feeling tired after a long night and morning cleaning up messes from a flu bug, but you have reminded me to be grateful to have a little one to take care of, whether sick or healthy. I pray for you every night.
Ani, despite being in so much pain, thank you for continuing to make posts. As you have in the past, today you have helped me remember to just chill out and be grateful for what I have. I was feeling tired after a long night and morning cleaning up messes from a flu bug, but you have reminded me to be grateful to have a little one to take care of, whether sick or healthy. I pray for you every night.
(sorry for the repeat comments)
Ruby continues to touch many whom she never met. I hope you feel of the strength that Ruby has given to people like me who have made a charge to be better mothers and enjoy those moments you wrote of. May God bless you and your family.
I really needed to read this post. I have had a crazy hard last couple of days with the stresses of 2 non-stop cranky kids for no reason at all (and closing on our house- i know you know how that is). i have been on my knees crying in prayer about how to be a good mom to them, and then i think of you. i see ruby's picture on the fridge and i am grateful for my stressed out life. your words touch so deep. i am grateful for them.
When you said that your little girl says "family HUG!" it broke my heart because I hear those kind of phrases on a daily basis as well. I ache for you as I know what you are going through. I love how you word everything you say because I have felt all of those feelings and have never been able to put them into words. You are amazing with words as I wish more than anything it didn't have to be this way!
I just found your blog a week ago, through a friend of a friend. I spent hours that first night reading through the last few month's worth of posts...and I literally bawled my eyes out (and have again a few times since). I have two little boys--my youngest being seven months old. A week ago I was feeling very stressed out & even sorry for myself because of the busy-ness of having two kids. I don't feel that anymore. Now I look at my boys with so much more love, and I thank Heavenly Father every day for blessing me with the opportunity to be a mom--and to have those sweet boys to keep me busy. I cannot adequately express my gratitude to you for completely changing my outlook on life. I also cannot adequately express my sympathy. I want you to know that you and your family have been in my prayers this past week. I don't know you, and I was never blessed with the opportunity to know sweet little Ruby, and yet I feel that she has made a significant impact on my life. Thank you, thank you for sharing your experience, your grief, and your testimony with all of us.
Thank you for sharing this post. Ruby and her story have inspired me in several ways, one of which is to be a better mother and to feel less sorry for myself in the tiring, busy times, and more GRATEFUL for the blessing of having a child. May Heavenly Father fill your home with love and peace and may He always be with you. You are still in my prayers.
You know Ani, that just may be something you can do in the future. You already have touched so many mothers, mothers who are now taking the time to relax and enjoy their children more, to focus on being less stressed and more appreciative of this precious, but exhausting time with small children in their arms.
Maybe you should take one of your favorite pictures of Ruby and make a page with her picture and your story on it to give out to those mothers you see who are having a bad moment with their children. You could hand her the written evidence of your story so she can take it home and read it quietly and at her leasure. Help encourage her to enjoy what she does have, even though motherhood is the hardest job in the world. We all need reminders to cherish what we have and embrace every moment. We get too caught up in the everyday business and forget it can all be wiped away in an instant.
It would be another way of spreading Ruby's legacy. I wish someone had reminded me to enjoy every moment with my daughter more. I did love it, but they grow up so fast and I wish I had savored those days when she was my constant companion, they went by so fast.
I am now enjoying my grown daughter just as much. Because of Ruby I hug her more, tell her I love her more often and do the same with the two beautiful grandsons she has given me. I let her know and them know how precious they are to me because of little Ruby.
One time long ago my husband, small daughter and I were eating in out and enjoying ourselves. A man stopped by our table and left a note. It said, "You have a beautiful family. It is clear that you love each other very much. Well done."
I treasured that note so much. We all need encouragement, especially those exhausted mothers out with small children and losing their patience. Hearing Ruby's story might just be the thing they need to reach down and find even more patience and appreciation for the blessing they have.
Jaxx
My dear friend Tiffany lost her daughter just over a year ago. I wonder if some of her ideas and posts might help in some way.
She understands the loss that many of us do not.
http://checkoutmyangelbabies.blogspot.com/
I'm praying for you and thinking of you Ani!
Love,
Erin
www.someoneinmind.blogspot.com
Nothing but love. Thank you for offering so many mothers this perspective.
I feel like I can relate to you and feel exactly what you are going through. Two weeks ago we lost our baby boy as a stillborn and there is just a hole in our hearts. Life is not the same and we are constantly reminded of that. You are an amazing mom and i admire you, thank you for your strength.
I do now know you, but your family is in my thoughts and prayers daily. Your little Ruby touched my life in such a way I cannot describe it in words. You have touched me. Your family has opened my eyes in many ways, and for that I thank you. May God bless you all, may God help you in the ways you need and may you feel comfort.
I do now know you, but your family is in my thoughts and prayers daily. Your little Ruby touched my life in such a way I cannot describe it in words. You have touched me. Your family has opened my eyes in many ways, and for that I thank you. May God bless you all, may God help you in the ways you need and may you feel comfort.
Thank you for these reminders. I'm still reading, still praying for Ruby and your family, and still so sad along with you b/c of how much I know you miss her. That little girl changed me, and I think of her ALL the time. Truly!
Thank you for posting. I think about how lucky I am every day to have my 2 miracles. Do I KNOW how lucky I am like you KNOW? Probably not. But I am SO appreciative of your constant reminders, and your willingness to share your heart. I think of Ruby every day still. And of you. My heart continues to ache for you. Sending love to you...
Thank you for the reminder. Today, I was the stressed out mother in the grocery store with three whining kids. And the mother who was just complaining how her three year old son keeps coming to her bed in the middle of the night. thank you for helping me to remember just how blessed i am. thank you for reminding me what is important. i am so deeply sorry for your loss but so thankful for your insight that will help me to be a better mother. I am also so very thankful for eternal families. my heart and prayers are with you.
I was talking to an old friend of mine today about perspective (he is not LDS) as he told me his wife has ovarian cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy. I told him about your darling Ruby and how I have been impacted because of her and you and your example and writings. I strive everyday to be more like Ruby and you Ani and to keep the right perspective! Ruby's legacy continues and today's post is just one more example of how you are blessing the lives of mother's all over the world by your willingness to share such honest and tender thoughts with all us, helping us to be better mothers.
Just as a side note I can totally understand you like having the reminders even though they are painful. I believe I would be the same way!
Still praying for you everyday!
Love Sarah
Honestly, anytime i'm stressing over my 3 year old and 5 month old I stop myself and think of Ruby and your family.We can't let life take over and bring us down. You truely inspire me. Thank you for helping me get through tough days.
This past Sunday our RS lesson was on the spirit world. Not sure if your's was too. Anyways, I was thinking of you a lot during this lesson. The lady teaching it said she felt really impressed to share something at the very beginning of her lesson. She told a story and made a point that grieving and being sad for a loss is not a sign of a lack of faith or weakness. She repeated that many times throughout the lesson. I was thinking of you and how strong you truly are. I know you are feeling so much pain still and I hope you never get down on yourself for that. Never think that you aren't being "faithful enough" or "strong enough". It is part of the process. Just rely on the Savior in those moments as much as you can and he will make your burdens lighter. She also talked about how the spirit world is here on earth and those spirits are all around us each day. I am sure you feel that. I know it isn't the same as actually holding your sweet baby girl, but it is still pretty tender and sweet to know that she really IS there. I am sure Heavenly Father has her doing amazing things right now. I am sure she is telling all her other siblings how wonderful your family is:)
I heard about Ruby the morning after her passing. I have twins that are about Ruby's age and of course reading her story brought me to tears, and still does each time I read your posts. With the twins, and two older kids, there's plenty of laundry, dishes, diapers, crying in shopping carts, spit up/snot/and what have you in my hair, headaches from lack of sleep, etc. However, I truly am grateful for ALL of it. Because of knowing of your sweet baby, and your blog posts, I feel like the two of you are my constant reminders to turn my patience up a notch when it's going own hill. I hate that you are suffering and my heart breaks for you. I don't personally know you or your family but I think of you often. As hard as it must be, thank you for sharing some of your deepest thoughts with all of us.
I know you are acquainted with Krissy. She is one of my closest friends. Sunday was our primary program and my five year old little guy was having a day and would not go up with the rest of the primary kids unless I sat up there too. I was embarassed and frustrated but as I drove home I thought back to a day that I know I came close to losing that same little guy and I thought of Krissy and Jayci. It made me appreciate the sacrament meeting that I had just spent on the stand with my little stinker. I know I don't appreciate my little ones as much as I should but Krissy's example and the examples of mothers like yourself help me put things in perspective.
And Krissy is right, you have an amazing way of expressing yourself. She's told me more than once that the words you have written explain exactly what she couldn't express.
My youngest is exactly two months younger than Ruby and it breaks my heart to see your posts on her month birthdays at the same time I am celebrating my little guy's monthly milestones. Again, it gives me a whole new appreciation.
Your girls are beautiful.
Ani, you have NO idea just how much you have changed me as a mother! Thank you for the constant reminders of how blessed i am to have two healthy children! my attitude has changed completely and i have enjoyed them so much more since hearing Ruby's story a couple of months ago. i am so so sorry for that feeling of emptiness that you have when you are reminded that she is gone. i hope that you can find comfort in those hard times and truly enjoy Kate even in the midst of such heartache. i think of your family daily and hope for peace for you all!!!! xo
I don't know what to say...I keep typing and deleting it. I feel like nothing I can say will help with the pain of missing your beautiful Ruby. Thank you for sharing her life with us. She is a blessing and a miracle to the whole world!
Thank you so much for your unselfish love of people. We all learn so much from you.
I wish I could say something to make you feel better but only having Ruby back can do that.
I cry tears for you daily. I am praying for you.
You are amazing! Ruby and Kate are lucky to have you as a mother.
You are amazing! We pray for your sweet family daily!
dear ani, thank you for this post. you are so right. i cannot imagine how much your heart aches or how much you have endured. I was able to donate a dress I had made to ruby's auction and have continued to think of you and your family before and since that. it meant so much to me and I was grateful for the opportunity to do a special service for another family. i know you know this, but i just want you to know that you and your sweet angel ruby are impacting people in so many [positive] ways. you have impacted my life and i certainly look at motherhood in a whole new light. thank you.
Ruby's photo sits in our family room and she reminds me every single day to be calmer, to be more patient... to enjoy and cherish and appreciate all the chaos that my children bring to my life. I don't get much sleep, and I have a ton of laundry each day, and I have messes and my house is never as tidy as I'd like it. But oh, how I appreciate my life. Thank you for this post, for your words that tear at my heartstrings but yet keep me focussed on what is really important in life.
i am brought to tears again.. But its ok, because you keep reminding me to be happy for what i have and to not take advantage of it. I had a rough day today but i would do it all over knowing that my girls are here with me. You are a wonderful mom and you keep making me strive to be better!
xoxo
Stephanie
Dear Ani! Thank you for your open heart and sharing your thoughts with the world. The world would be a better place if we had more "Ani's" and "Ruby's"!!! You have made me a better Mom, Wife, Person and a donor! Thank you for that! Your an inspiration to so many people! Your family is in my thoughts & prayers!
Ani, one of your friends sent me your way after reading a post of mine about liver disease. My son has biliary atresia and we lost some dear friends' baby to BA as well.
This post makes me cry. I hate liver disease and I will be doing a post soon about organ donation.
Praying so hard for you right now.
You are such a strong mother for going through this and still being there for Miss Kate. When I started following you when you were going through all the medical issues with Miss Ruby I changed as a mother, I can not get mad at my girls who are 4 and 1 anymore knowing what you are going through with the loss of a child. I can not even imagine how you must feel or how you get up in the morning. I know you must do it for Kate. It is never easy losing a loved one but your strength is amazing and I hope any other mother out there knows how lucky they are like you had mentioned. I know I have changed as a mother and couldnt be happier. We have Ruby days and just go outside and enjoy the fresh air and family time together. Stay Strong and Ruby will be there right beside you enjoying every moment with her loving family!!! God Bless you all!!
I just wanted to let you know that I (as I'm sure many others) think of you, your family, and sweet angel baby Ruby Jane all of the time. I hope you are surviving the best that you can, Ani. I can't imagine the pain that you are feeling. Please know that so many people love you, even those that you've never met. I've re-read your blog numerous times thinking that maybe if I read it one more time, the outcome will be different. We all wanted so desperately for little Ruby to make it and stay here on Earth with her Mommy, Daddy & Sister Kate. I'm sure she is smiling down on all of you from Heaven and waiting for the day when you can all be together again. You're in our thoughts, always.
Love,
Katie
Thank you for this post and know that your words inspire me to appreciate motethood more. I'm so sorry about your baby girl and I can't imagine your pain. Just know that even though we are strangers you're in my heart and thoughts. Especially on those " hard" days when I get frustrated with the kids. I think about your story and others like the Sullenger's and I start appreciating the tantrums and the spit up. Angel Ruby along with your words are making other's better.
I can't imagine your heartache, your pain... your emptinesss. I cry everytime I read your posts... I cry for you because as a mother I know our children are our world, our everything.... I cry for Ruby because I want her to be there with you too... I cry for my two boys because they are healthy and I always want them to stay safe and healthy... I cry because you are living out my biggest fear and my biggest nightmare and its sad and its scary! I want you to know that I am a young mom of 2 little boys ( Michael is 3 and Nicholas is 1) and I truly know how lucky I am, I appreciate my children and I love being a mommy and I believe through your heartache and pain and posts you are teaching many other tired and overwhelmed mothers to stop and look around and appreciate and be thankful for their children, their famalies and their lives!!! I am praying that you can find peace and happiness again, you and Ruby are on my mind alot and your baby girl has changed and touched more lives in her few short months than most people do in a lifetime.
your family has been in my thoughts. sending many prayers your way.
you are an amazing mum.
it just isnt fair this pain.
your ruby has touched my life. i pray her and my mini are dancing in heaven.
i pray for you.
xoxo
Have you watched and listened to Hilary Weeks song "Beautiful Heartbreak" I just watched in on LDS Living and it touched my heart and I thought of you. I can't imaging the pain you feel. Thank you for helping me be a more grateful mother. My prayers are with you and your family.
thank you, Ani.
in honor of Ruby Jane.
ava-n-isla.blogspot.com
Thank you. Ruby has changed my life. You have changed my life. Thank you. You are right! I'm am sometimes a stressed out mommy. I forget in the moment how blessed I am.
You help so many people and me. You seriously do. I'm in the airport right now in tears but I don't care! You move me. This post made me want to comment because I totally feel that way sometimes. Not everyone knows this but I've had so many fertility problems that I never thought I would experience, and now that I'm having them, I can't help but look at pregnant women, and want to shake their shoulders and say "DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE!" You should not be complaining of back pain because I would KILL FOR IT. Or nausea or any of that!
Anyways- I appreciate every word on every post you post. We pray for you every day. Keep your head high for Kate!
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