Yesterday was a pretty "normal" day, which I really wanted it to be. It was Kate's 3rd birthday party. She wanted a Princess Jumpy House, and all her friends to come. She got her wish! It was such a fun day for her. She has been put on the back burner these few months, and we really wanted her to have a day that was all about her. We thought about cancelling it a few times, but knew it was something that she really needed right now. I am so glad we did it! (post to come)
In the middle of the craziness of the pinata, as I was watching my little birthday girl with all her friends, and my phone started to buzz in my pocket. I got a little nervous seeing as most the people that normally call me, where there. Then I saw the dreaded area code of 310. LA. My heart sank, and I panicked a little bit.
It wasn't "the call", but it definitely gave me a taste of how it might feel. It can come at any time. In the middle of breakfast, playing dolls with Kate, during bath time, or during a birthday party. It is like this dark scary cloud that just hoovers over. Those safe moments, are no more.
The night was a long one with Ruby. She was up most every hour. It is always scary when she cries and cries, and we can't figure out how to calm her down. I held her and rocked and rocked her to sleep. And then I just cried watching that sweet little face. She is so innocent. She has no idea what is in her near future. My heart sinks thinking about getting that call, driving her up there, and handing my tiny baby over for the fight of her life. I can't stand it.
Her belly is big today. Too big. I know she is filling with too much fluid again. Her poor little eyes are even puffy. All she wants is to held and loved. Oh, and binky and her little blankie, just like her sister.
Tonight she and I escaped up to her room. Light pink jammies on, and her little hair all combed. I am only allowed to nurse her once a day, so it is a time I look forward to, and savor every night. I rocked her and nursed her, all the while singing. After she was done, I rocked and sang to her some more. I swear she was looking straight into my soul. And her tiny, little, warm hand softly caressed my cheek and lips. It was heaven on earth.
I told her I loved her. I told her everything was going to be ok. And I prayed. I asked for a few things, but mostly I thanked. I thanked my Heavenly Father for this sweet baby. I thanked Him for sending her to our family, sending her to me. Thanked Him for picking me to be her mother. Thanked him for trusting me, with her. Thanked him for the things we have learned, and the things we have yet to learn from this trial.
I sure love my baby girl. And I love our little stolen moments away from the world.
Photo by Jylare
In the middle of the craziness of the pinata, as I was watching my little birthday girl with all her friends, and my phone started to buzz in my pocket. I got a little nervous seeing as most the people that normally call me, where there. Then I saw the dreaded area code of 310. LA. My heart sank, and I panicked a little bit.
It wasn't "the call", but it definitely gave me a taste of how it might feel. It can come at any time. In the middle of breakfast, playing dolls with Kate, during bath time, or during a birthday party. It is like this dark scary cloud that just hoovers over. Those safe moments, are no more.
The night was a long one with Ruby. She was up most every hour. It is always scary when she cries and cries, and we can't figure out how to calm her down. I held her and rocked and rocked her to sleep. And then I just cried watching that sweet little face. She is so innocent. She has no idea what is in her near future. My heart sinks thinking about getting that call, driving her up there, and handing my tiny baby over for the fight of her life. I can't stand it.
Her belly is big today. Too big. I know she is filling with too much fluid again. Her poor little eyes are even puffy. All she wants is to held and loved. Oh, and binky and her little blankie, just like her sister.
Tonight she and I escaped up to her room. Light pink jammies on, and her little hair all combed. I am only allowed to nurse her once a day, so it is a time I look forward to, and savor every night. I rocked her and nursed her, all the while singing. After she was done, I rocked and sang to her some more. I swear she was looking straight into my soul. And her tiny, little, warm hand softly caressed my cheek and lips. It was heaven on earth.
I told her I loved her. I told her everything was going to be ok. And I prayed. I asked for a few things, but mostly I thanked. I thanked my Heavenly Father for this sweet baby. I thanked Him for sending her to our family, sending her to me. Thanked Him for picking me to be her mother. Thanked him for trusting me, with her. Thanked him for the things we have learned, and the things we have yet to learn from this trial.
I sure love my baby girl. And I love our little stolen moments away from the world.
Photo by Jylare
Posts
9 comments:
I am so proud an honored to have your presence and influence in my life I sure do love you and your beautiful family
Tears. Beautifully written. I'm lucky to be your friend and to stand in the presence of your faith and strength. Lots of love.
Ani-
It's Hayley. I love your blog! So cute and pretty. And I love reading it. You are so sweet and so strong. I can feel how tender of a moment that must of been with your precious Ruby. These little babies are so tender and innocent and I really hope she gets her transplant soon.
You want to join me for a lake walk on Wednesday this week??
Our prayers are with you!
What a nice post. I'm tearing up at my desk. :)
Ani, I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I'm not a mother yet, but I can't even begin to imagine all of the emotions you're having to deal with. This post was beautifully written.
ani, i obviously don't know you, but i've read your blog for years and feel like i do. i have been reading these last few posts and sitting here crying. i can't even begin to imagine what your family is going through. i won't say that i know what it's like because i don't, but i am sorry it is happening. i have been praying for you since i first read about ruby going into the hospital. i didn't know what the reason was, but i started praying. i can't even imagine having a sick baby. she is so precious. i am so sorry your family is going through this. it sounds so cliche and lame, but i wish there was something i could do. i guess i can just keep praying. i have faith that little ruby will be healed and happy someday soon. i know everything will be okay.
I have tears reading about your sweet moment with Ruby and Heavenly Father. You are a wonderfully brave mother in the face of a bad situation. The love you have for your girls is evident. Hang in there, you are in our prayers. And thank you for sharing your story with me. It has helped me as a mother appreciate my little miracles.
This post is so sacred, I feel like I am close to heaven just reading it, Ani. There are no words to describe the beautiful mother you are and the marvelous privilege you have been given to be Ruby's mother. I am so very proud of you.
Precious....what a precious gift God has given you Ani. What an incredibly mom you are!!!
Post a Comment