I miss my girl.

The foundation and the run have been a good distraction from the pain, but when I step back, and realize why I am busy, why we are starting this, my heart just sinks.

Her blanket doesn't smell like her anymore. There is a closet full of clothes with tags on them that she never got a chance to wear. Her sling is hanging in the coat closet, and hasn't been used in over 3 months. There was a little dust on it, and it made my heart break a little more.
I hate that it has been 3 months since she has been in our home. I hate that her bottles are getting pushed further and further back in the cupboard. I hate that the shelves that use to be hers for medical supplies, now shelve bread, and glass vases from all the flower deliveries, and odds and ends.
Want me to be honest? I just want her back. Everyday is just a struggle. If Kate were not here to pull the covers off me every morning, I would still be in bed. I find myself trying to find ways to keep her alive in our home. I want to talk about her. I want her to be talked about. I want her to still have a place in this family, and play a part.
I am not looking forward to the holidays. I secretly want to just hibernate until February. Last year we were preparing to move into our new house, a house that had room for another baby. I was 8.5 months pregnant. I remember thinking how next year I could not believe we would have a baby crawling and maybe walking around, and a 3 year old on Christmas morning. I was so worried about when Ruby was going to arrive. I was worried if it was too close to Christmas that no one would come to her birthday parties in the years to come. We were worried about tax returns, and insurance. Seriously? It makes me sick to my stomach that I was worried about those kinds of things.
I remember turning into a crazy lady about finishing Ruby's room. I was waddling through the mall, during the busy Christmas rush, looking for the perfect curtains, and shade of pink for her lamp shapes. I wanted it to be done and perfect before she arrived. Looking back now, I know that if I had not done that, her room would have never been finished after she was born. I am so thankful every time I go into her room. It was a perfect nursery for her. I loved rocking her in there, and nursing her, and putting her into beautiful girly outfits. Her room is a little piece of heaven. I feel so peaceful in there.
I miss Ruby. I miss her everyday. I miss her smell, her blue eyes, her smile, and her giggle. I miss holding her, and brushing her hair, and changing her diaper. I miss having two happy girls in my home, and two happy girls that need their mother's attention. Instead of planning a huge event, all I really want to be doing is making baby food, cleaning bottles, singing silly songs, and loving on my girls.
For now, I have the next best thing. I have Kate who needs me more than ever. And I have a great cause to put my extra energy into.
I found this in my photobooth. Forgot all about these pictures. I am inhaling her. I am so glad I did that. Every part of pictures with Ruby are so meaningful now.
I see a tired mom from being up all night. How lucky I was. I remember putting those jammies on her, and they were a little too small, but looked to cute on her.
In her left hand she is holding onto her PICC line. Little stinker always did that. Her right arm is on my shoulder. Makes me cry to think of that little hand just resting on my skin. I also see bright yellow stain on her right arm. Her vitamins were that color, and she had thrown up that morning. The flower on the table? Those are from a trip that Kate and Ruby and I had taken to Lowes together. I see the excersaucer I had gone out to buy just a week before. She went in it twice.

RJF Website

We would like to finally announce The Ruby Jane Foundation website. We are very excited about it. Everything is now in one place! Please check it out, and let us know what you think!


We want to thank Tyler Jorgenson of BIZNINJA for helping us with the website, and to Ashly Lark for the graphics!

*fixed the links!

Run For Ruby!

Just a week or so after our sweet girl passed away, the idea for this run started to turn into a reality. It seemed so far away, and so hard to pull together, but we have done it!

This Run for Ruby has really given us something to work for, and look forward to. It has been a great event to plan, at the same time helping us heal. We are so thrilled that it is getting so close. As her first birthday is getting closer and closer, my heart just aches for my baby. I wish I was planning a first birthday party, and in a way, I feel like I now am.

We wanted so badly to have the run in our hometown. When Ruby was home from the hospital, we were always outside, enjoying our community. We spent a lot of time at the lake, the parks, and walking on the trails. The run will be on a trail (paved) that we walked on with Ruby. It will also pass by our home.

There will be a 5k, and 10k race offered. We are going to have the Red Cross truck be there for those that would like to donate blood. Be the Match will also be there with their kits to screen potential donors for bone marrow. The goal of this annual run is to raise awareness about organ and tissue donation. With the help of our family, friends, and community, we can safe lives.

We are planning on having fun booths, great music, and a fun day celebrating Ruby’s first birthday!

REGISTRATION is now OPEN!

http://www.imathlete.com/events/RunforRuby?z=1320187410691

If you sign up before Saturday, Novemeber 5th, you will be entered into a giveaway for a photography session!

All you need to do is:

1.Register for the race.

2. Share the link on your Facebook.

3. Comment on our RJF Facebook page when you are finished.

If you are unable to run/walk with us, and you would like to volunteer, please let us know!

We can’t wait to see everyone there!

Get running!!!

(I hate running, like a lot...but thinking about my Rubes, keeps me going. If I can do it, YOU can do it!)

Her Leaves

I have not loved the changing of the season. I knew it meant it was just that much further away from us seeing her, and that upset me, but I knew it was something more than that.
This morning, I was pulling out to take Kate to preschool, and the leaves were being racked up in my front yard. At that moment, I knew. Those leaves were leaves that Kate, Ruby and I laid under during the hot summer. Those are the leaves that shaded us in our backyard planting while Ruby sat in her bouncy. Those are the leaves that she watched while laying on the couch. Those are the very leaves that we walked under when I took her outside to get her to stop fussing. It took a lot for me not to run over and explain just how precious those leaves were to me.
We have big, tall windows in our family room. We moved in this winter, and the trees were bare. I remember coming home from a 2 week stay in the hospital in the Spring, and the trees had tiny light green buds all over. It was symbolic for a lot of things for me. It seemed like every time we would return after a hospital stay, the leaves were the first thing we noticed. They were always greener, always bigger. Maybe since my baby was getting weaker, and sicker, perhaps that was a little hope for me. I don't know, but I have an attachment to those leaves!
At the park the other day, I had the same feeling. We spent a lot of time at that park. I sat on the bench, under the trees, nursing, and watching Kate play. The leaves will all fall. And new leaves will come. But those leaves have never watched us play. Those leaves have never seen those sparkly blue eyes. They have never created the shade that danced across her face. They aren't hers.
I know this must sound so strange. But, it is how I feel.
I feel the same way when I toss out food I bought when Rubes was with me at the grocery store. Or when I emptied the bottle of shampoo I used at the hospital. Even buying a new shirt, I feel like, Ruby never got to see this shirt! I guess these are all just signs that life moves on. The leaves change. Food goes bad. Who knew those things could be such a trigger?
I would be forever content rewinding to those hot summer days, laying under the trees with my girls.

When I vacuum.

Everywhere I turn, I am reminded that she is gone. I can't escape the constant reminders.
When I am vacuuming, I get to the spot where her swing was, or her bouncy seat, and my heart breaks.
I was cleaning out my pantry last week. In the back of one of the lower shelves, I found all her baby food, and puffs I had bought before she was even born. I was so excited for her to come to our family. Bananas were her favorite, so kept one in the cardboard, it just felt right.
Every night when we tuck Kate into bed, my stomach is just doing flips. I use to have two kids to tuck into bed. I use to nurse Ruby and get her into her jammies, and rock and sing her to sleep, while Matt got Kate all ready. Then we would have family prayer together, and Kate and Ruby would snuggle for a little while. It is just so obvious that she is not there.
Doing the laundry is strange. Ruby went through a lot of outfits in a day. The amount of laundry is so much smaller, and a lot less pink. I miss folding those tiny onesies.
Kate started preschool. When I signed her up 6+ months ago, I was excited to have that one on one time with just Ruby. Every time I get into my car after dropping Kate off, my car seems SO empty. I think, "What am I suppose to do now?" That is always the moment when it is very obvious that my life is not what I thought it was going to be.
Family outings are getting hard for me. Kate always declares, "Family HUG!" or says, "the whole family!" And my breath catches. It feels strange to be able to be out all day, and not worry about naps or bottles, or TPN, or meds. I WISH we had those things to worry about. Being spontaneous is not very fun anymore.
I know she is with us in spirit. I really think that she is around us all of the time, and participating in things we do, and making memories right along side us. BUT, I want her there physically as well. I want her in my arms. I want to be busy and stressed out, and tired and have spit up in my hair.
I see mothers everyday that look so upset and unhappy.
Do you know how lucky you are to have spit up in your hair? Do you know how lucky you are to have TWO crying babies in your cart? Do you know how lucky you are that you get to buy diapers? Do you know how lucky you are to have circles under your eyes from being up all night with your baby, and not from crying all night from missing your baby? Do you know how lucky you are that you get to nurse your baby? It takes everything in me not to walk up to mother's and just make sure they know!
Even though Ruby was just a baby, she had such a big place in our lives. I like that. I like that there are reminders around our home of her. It is painful, but it helps me feel like she really was and IS a part of our family.

Wristband and Picture Notice:

We apologize for the delay in shipping out wristbands and pictures. Due to the overwhelming response we ran out of wristbands and had to order more which are scheduled to arrive around the 18th. At that time we have volunteers coming to help us pack and ship them. So again, sorry for the delay and you should have it by the end of the month! Thanks!

Between the lines

There are certain conversations that are just very painful and I just want to scream and pull my hair out. But I just breathe and breathe, and then I don't feel like I am dying after while. I give the answers they are looking for, but inside I am having a battle with myself because I want to pour my heart out and make them understand.

Long story short, our insurances use to pay for massages on our old plan, and I had some I never used because I was pregnant, and had to use them up by a certain date. So, for the past 3 weeks, I have gone weekly. The massage therapist always asks me, "Are you hurting any where in particular?" UM YESSSS!!! And then comes, "Are there any injuries I should know about?" YES, A TERRIBLE INJURY! Then I spend the next 10 minutes taking deep breaths and trying not to cry. I just want to be a lady who comes in and is sore from lifting her children and pushing on them on the swings all afternoon. I want my injury to be my leg or arm, or anything but my soul.

I just got off the phone with someone in the medical field. She said, "And you had a neonatal death, correct?" Well, my beautiful, sweet, funny, and amazing daughter passed away 8 weeks ago today. She was 7 months and 1 week old. Is that what you were referring to? And then she later asked me how many weeks I was when I miscarried. I CARRIED HER in my ARMS! She was 7 months and one week old! And then went on to ask how many pregnancy I have had. Two, a 3 year old, and Ruby. "So you only have one child?" NO! I just told you. I HAVE TWO.

I have two children. I have a deep and serious injury that may never ever heal. Can someone make me a shirt?

9 Months

My little Rubes would have been 9 months old today. I can't help but wonder about what her tricks would be this month! I think she would have had a lot more teeth. That girl had 3 teeth, and was going strong! If one of those liver would have worked out, she would have been home and healthy by now. I think she would have been sitting up, and maybe trying to crawl. She loved applesauce and bananas, and by this point, I am sure she would have been eating lots of other yummy things. She was a pretty good sleeper when she felt good. I think she would have been sleeping through the night for sure. Baby girl loved to nurse, and I am sure she would be still loving that.
You know what stinks? It stinks that I have to wonder about these things. It sticks that she is not here in our home to physically see and watch, and laugh with. It just plain stinks. I don't want anyone under the wrong impressions that I am doing this well. It is SO hard. It is hard for 99% of the day. There are a few moments, sometimes only one, that I can understand. I am thankful for that relief in the grief.
Ruby, you are truly amazing. Everyday I am still learning from you. I know you are hard at work on the other side, and making sure your family and friends and being cared for. I know you are our little angel, and touching our lives in more ways than we understand or notice. I love you so much Rubers.

What Makes it Bearable

We went on a little getaway for the weekend with my parents. Everyone left the pool for a minute and I was people watching. I immediately spotted a baby girl, around Ruby's age, sound asleep on her mom's chest. The tears started to flow, and then came the body convulsions. When you feel like your a missing your insides, it makes you convulse I've learned. It is so hard to look around and see so many healthy, happy babies, and then feel the heaviness that is my empty arms.

Just a few minutes later, I received an email from a mother who had just lost her son days before. She shared with me that the choice to donate his organs, were made easier because of Ruby. I can't even describe the joy that brings to me. It is hard to understand most of the time why Ruby is gone, and why we have to endure this, but her impact on thousands leaves me speechless. It is hard not to feel comforted and more peaceful hearing a story like that.

And today, I bumped into a mom with a cute baby at Target. I have never met her before, but she shared with me how much Ruby's story has touched her life, and made her want to be a better mom. She also said she was now an organ donor. I tried hard not to cry in the middle of Target, but the tears came.

That is my Ruby girl touching people left and right. I am so proud of my daughter. I am so lucky, in so many ways.

When I see and hear the tangible ways that Ruby has touched lives, it reminds me of her purpose on this earth, and reminds me that our Heavenly Father truly has a plan for every one of us. Ruby has a pretty amazing plan. I am so happy to be a part of that.

I love you Rubers.

Missing her Ruby

The last time Kate held her baby sister. It was a very special moment, and one I will never forget.

Every morning I walking into Ruby's nursery, and opening up the blinds, and say,
"Good morning Rubes!"
Most of the time Kate is with me, and she says it too.
At night we close her blinds and turn on the lights in her room.
It just makes us feel good.
This morning when Kate and I walked into her room, Kate saw the box of Ruby's clothing and blankets that was just returned to us. Her whole demeanor changed. She ran her hands across the box, and gently touched her clothes. She looked up at a picture of Ruby and then back down to her things. I asked her, "What are you feeling Kate?" She looked at me and very quietly said, "I am feeling very.....I am feeling like I really want to see her."
So we sat down on the floor and went through her things and talked about Ruby. I pulled her into my lap, and we just rocked and were quiet until Kate said, "I really miss that Ruby."
Me too Kate, me too.

Nap on my chest

I remember this perfect day, it was about 8 months ago. Ruby was so tiny. Kate was so thrilled about her baby sister. Matt had gone back to work. I was feeling a little more like myself again, and so content with my role as a mother and wife. I was proud of myself because I had gotten ready that morning, and gone to the park with the girls. After a fun morning, I put Kate down for a nap, and nursed Ruby Jane.


I was about to lay her down in her cradle, but I just couldn't! She feel asleep on my chest. She was so sound asleep, and was curled right into me. She also had my necklace in the palm of her hand. She loved playing with my necklace. I thought I would just enjoy holding her for a bit, and then lay her down and get things done. But, I had a little voice tell me to just hold her. So I did. I held her for 3 straight hours while she slept. Kate slept the whole time. So it was just me, and my sleeping newborn on my chest. Oh how thankful I am that I did not go lay her down. I would not be sitting here recalling that perfect afternoon. Oh how I wish I could go back to that day.

Preschool

Kate has been excited for Preschool for months and months.
I actually remember taking a walk with her when she was probably 20 months old, and she heard a school bell, and said, "I want to go to school!" We have been counting down to this day, and it finally came. We laid out her clothes the night before, and talked about how to be a friend, and she was beaming! She was so excited all morning, but then got really shy when we walked in. It was so fun to see her in a school setting, and interacting with all the kids. I am so thankful for my big preschooler!













This girl is impossible to get a normal picture of! But I sure love her silly faces.

One Month

It has been one month. One month since my world changed forever. Well, to be more accurate, it has been 8 months, and 2 weeks since my world changed forever.
We spent the weekend being spiritually nourished. The feelings of peace were welcomed, and the things I have learned have given me much to think about.
I feel stuck. I don't want time to move forward, because it means it was been that much longer since we were with our girl. But, I want time to move forward, bringing us closer to her. I am just not ready to do anything. I am functioning. I am getting up, I am getting dressed, and I am staying busy with friends and family. I am eating. I am drinking. I am running. I am breathing. But that is really it. I am going though the motions, and trying to avoid the emotions.
Last night, when all was quiet in our home, we ended up on the couch watching little videos of Ruby on our phones. That is when it hits me the hardest. Pictures or videos of us with her. She was REAL. She was our baby. We held her and bathed her and sang to her. She knew us, and loved us, and smiled and laughed at us. That is when the reality of our life hits me. We won't get that back for a long time. We have our memories. We have thousands of pictures (thank goodness I was obsessed with taking pictures of her). We even have videos. We have read books, and talks. We have talked to other families in our situation. We have talked to a general authority even. We have testimonies. We have SO much. But, we at the end of the day, we still don't have her in our arms. It doesn't matter what we do, how much we suffer, how much we learn, how much we cry or scream...she is still away from us.
So, one month out...where are we? We are here. We are just here. The longing and missing are worse. The memories of those last 48 hours, are getting foggier, thankfully. We have strengthened testimonies. We are closer as a family. But we have a huge gaping whole in our home right now.

Today I am missing Ruby so much I feel like I am slowly dying inside. We went to Target today, and just being there, walking the isles, just felt wrong. To me, going to Target was always my way of show myself that we were a normal family. We might have been hooked up to pumps, and have Ruby hidden away in her seat, but gosh darn it, we were normal.
Today I didn't feel normal. I felt like I had a big black X on my forehead. I felt so wrong to be acting like a normal little family shopping around, when all I wanted to do was cry. I could not look at the baby section. I almost went down one of the isle by habit, and when I realized I wouldn't be needing anything, it felt like a huge pit in my stomach, and a fresh wave of grief washed over my whole body.
You know where I feel the most normal these days? The cemetery, at Ruby's place. If I look sad, or I am crying, whoever is watching knows the reason why. If I am smiling and happy, whoever is watching knows I must be remembering a sweet moment.
I haven't accepted that she is gone. I am realizing this. When I allow myself to really think about what has happened, I can't describe what goes on inside of me. Sometimes I honestly think it is a dream. How could it NOT be a dream. Oh please be a bad dream. But, it is not. This is my life now.
I have moments where I think everything makes some sort of sense, and I relish those moments. I know I will get to the point where I will be more healed, and more at peace, but I am just not there yet. I feel my Father in Heaven. I feel His arms around me. But, I know there are times that he has to back up a little bit, let me feel, let me grieve, let me ask "WHY!!!?". He knows that I need those moments to heal. But he is there. He is there when I need him.

She would have been 8 months today. You know what? I am not strong. I am not doing this well. How does one grieve the lost of a child well? You don't. You survive. One excruciating second at a time. I just want her in my arms. I want to stare into her eyes, and have her look back, straight into my soul so she can feel how much I love her.